Meditation

As I lay in bed last night thinking about the day ahead of me, I analyzed my body to determine whether or not I should go for a morning run or do some yoga.  I have been so tired and weak lately it is a nightly internal argument as I am setting the alarm for the next morning.  I have been an avid runner for over a decade.  In the small town that I live I have forged a route that I love.  It happens to be along many school zones so I have to get up early enough to beat the school traffic if it is going to be an enjoyable run.  It is something my body yearns for and I feel I cannot let it go.

I have been told by numerous doctors that I need to stop running.  I have been told that it is too strenuous for such a fragile body.  I have also been told I will not have the strength to continue running.  Exercise is such a crucial part of my life, I just cannot imagine not doing it.  A quote from a pharmaceutical commercial comes to mind, "a body in motion stays in motion. a body at rest stays at rest."  Doctors have suggested several different alternatives such as swimming, biking, walking, elliptical, and yoga.  I have tried them all.  Nothing seems to give me the same good feeling at the end.  I suppose that's where we get the phrase "runner's high".  If this is what I am going to be addicted to, I figure it is better than the alternative.

A common comment I get, that honestly cuts me to my core, is "Well, I see you out running so you must not be too sick."  As I am laying in bed thinking about this day all these thoughts go in and out as they do every night.  Guilt, I think, is a constant in someones life with chronic health issues.  "Am I doing more harm than good?  What will I do when the day comes that I have to stop?  Will I be able to handle it?  How can I feel so awful and still get out there and do this everyday?"  I generally fall asleep to these thoughts with a sigh of relief telling myself, "I will cross that bridge when I get to it.  I do not care if it is harming me, the mental impact is so much greater than anything else.  Allow yourself some slack."

I will admit that in the past few years I have listened to my body a great deal more than I used to.  I used to run anywhere from 5 to 8 miles a day no matter how I felt.  I was in denial.  I did not belief I could be as sick as it seemed I was.  I ate healthy, I was able to run these amazing runs, there is no way something is wrong with me.  I lived at an altitude of a mile high and pushed a running stroller with my baby for 7 miles a day when I first started having seizures.  I was incorrigible. 

I remember sitting at the Mayo Clinic back in 2008.  My mom and dad were there with me.  We were in the waiting room with several other people awaiting my initial evaluation.  Trying to foresee what they would say or what was wrong, my parents and I tossed ideas back and forth trying to pass the time.  I remember my dad asking, "What if they tell you to stop running?"  I looked him straight in the eyes and said, "They will have to cut off my legs.  I won't do it!"  End of conversation. 

I guess I feel this all needs some explanation.  As you read this I can imagine the judgements running through your head.  It must sound like I am addicted to exercise.  It must sound like I have a mental disorder like exercise anorexia.  The truth of the matter is, to me it is not about weight or body image.  It started out that way many years back, but quickly turned into something I needed.  I am not doing myself justice by continually saying I need this so I will take it a step further.

The doctor who sat me down and talked me into applying for disability and accepting the magnitude of the cards I had been dealt was of middle eastern decent.  She immediately saw my Type A personality and over achiever mode of operation.  This is not a good way to be when so much of your life is out of your control.  She encouraged me to slow or stop the running every time I saw her.  She encouraged me to look into meditation.  Finding a balance.  That inner peace.  Connecting to your core, getting centered.  I would listen, smile, and nod then walk out of her office thinking "How the heck do you do that?"  I'd shrug it off. 

As time rolled on, limitations got more dramatic and things that I loved were getting taken away piece by piece.  The one thing I have clung to is running.  Of course, throughout this all there is a lot of self awareness.  There is a lot of acceptance that needs to be made.  This includes a lot of analyzing and internalizing.  Just laying it all out and finding a way to piece it back together with these new pieces.  Changing, what I thought, was the person I would be in every aspect of my life.  Taking in the comments, suggestions, opinions, recommendations, and judgements from professionals to family to friends.  It all has to be organized in a way that I can accept myself and find what works best for me and my family.

Shortly after I started running so many years ago, it changed from something to improve my appearance to something I thoroughly enjoyed.  Not until these last few years have I been able to explain it.  With these recent digestive issues it has only become more crucial.  Running is a release for me.  It is my time of meditation (that I resisted so much from that wonderful doctor).  I spend my runs talking to God.  Asking Him for help, guidance, and strength.  I pray for friends and family members in need.  Anything and everything.  My morning runs are my one hour a day for myself.  I am alone with my thoughts.  It is everything I once resisted, yet it was always there even when I didn't realize it.

More recently it has become about other things.  Because of the digestive issues we are trying to work out, I run to gain an appetite.  I am not sure the science behind it all.  I have a very difficult time getting myself to eat, but when I run hunger creeps in to help.  I also feel it moves things along.  On days I do not run, my stomach issues seem so much more difficult.  I feel like I have rocks sitting in my gut after I eat which leads me to not wanting to add to the pile with 2 additional meals that day.  This may be completely mental or it may have some substance.  That's for the professionals to figure out.

So, as I lay there last night with this conversation running through my head, that internal battle, I decided, "Go for it."  When the day comes that it is life or death I will sit down and make the critical decision to stop running.  Until that day comes, I will use these daily runs to give myself the inner strength I need to continue.  I will say that I mix in some yoga to give my body a rest, especially on days where I am just utterly too weak.  I will not allow the comments from other or their judgements take anything away from me.  I am dealing with some difficult disease.  Exerting myself too much can be harmful.  The way I see it, mental health is just as crucial as physical health.  The fact that running contributes to both is just a bonus.  I will fight everyday for the strength to run.  It is my freedom. 

I am encouraged and inspired now.  That light bulb going off, giving me that clear understanding about the connection between meditation and running.  I want to look into meditation in a little more detail.  I would like to learn techniques and educate myself on the background and history of this practice.  This blog is allowing me to put my thoughts down and revisit them.  It is getting me to a place where I can center myself and find out what really inspires me and what I am really passionate about.  Everything I set out to do is falling into place and giving purpose to my life again.....without the 5 year plan I had engraved in my mind at the start of college.  Life is ever changing.  Roll with the punches.