Welcome To A New World

   Well, it is officially December. 2020. This means it is a holiday season wrapped in pandemic struggles. I just think it is important for all of us to refocus our energy. We are all struggling, some more than others. Whether it be financial, emotional, physical, etc. it is causing us all pain. We are smack dab in the middle of the craziest (and probably most historical) election of all time. Everyone is divided on a number of issues causing a lot of relationships strain. We are all used to getting together with family for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and other holiday gatherings. This year that is not a safe decision. So what do we do when we feel helpless, hopeless, and lonely?

  First, start by taking away the labels. Yes, celebrate! Decorate, cook, buy gifts (online or by phone), donate. Whatever it is that brings you joy, do it. The difference is, it is not a safe choice to gather. One thing I told my mom years ago when she found out we would not be together on Christmas Day was, "The name of the day means nothing. We can get together and celebrate anytime." We ended up having Christmas at their house a few days early so we could be with the other grandparents on Christmas Day. We have approached all holidays this way. Now, I understand it is more difficult than just moving the celebration plus or minus a day this year. But why not enjoy the holiday remotely. Then, in a few months (have faith) you can gather in person for Christmas in July or something of the like. The label on the day does not make it law that it is the only day to celebrate that occasion. And why wouldn't it be fun to celebrate more than once, remotely then in person? I'd take any extra joy this year...or in 2021.

  Second, think of the dangers. In my health battles I have come to hear and use the phrase "Risk vs. benefits". Is it safe to get together right now? No. Yes, we can take COVID tests prior to gathering. That then requires quarantining. Self isolation still leaves you with minimal exposure. I, personally, would never forgive myself if I inadvertently got one of my relatives sick. It would be even worse if they lost their lives due to getting together for one holiday meal or party. It is tough not seeing one another during this time, but it would be devastating to never see one another again. Wearing a mask is easier than a ventilator. Washing your hands is easier than having long term damage from this insane virus. Being apart for some time is so much better than being apart forever due to someone's death. Believe me, I understand the natural yearning to be together, especially during the holidays.  For some, this is the only time they see their family. For others, the grief and trauma from the past year leaves you needing a big hug from the one who always makes you feel safe. It is so hard to resist the urge. But stay positive and remember this too shall pass and we can be together soon.

  Third, think of the good things you do have right now. For starters, you have life. That is a special gift we receive everyday. Obviously you have sight because you are reading this right now. So add to the list, literacy. You must have a computer or smart phone to be able to access the internet. And those are just the obvious from a person who is typing and does not know your whole story. But what else? There must be a few things. My life with multiple chronic illnesses is wreaked with loss. Everyday I am grieving the person I once knew as myself. Everyday I am grieving something new I may have lost. For example, my diet is constantly becoming more and more restrictive. This leads to weight loss, energy loss, lack of nutrition which causes other complications, and the general ability to have freedom with food options. So lately, I am grieving my sight. It is becoming more and more difficult to see. This has been going on for some time now so I should be accepting of the idea yet because it is slowly getting worse, I am slowly grieving each loss; color, detail, distance, depth perception, peripheral vision. I love sports. Try following a football on TV being thrown 30 yards. It saddens me. But the good thing is, I still have sight. Let's take clothes for another example. I am struggling with clothes because my belly is not happy having anything touch it. I am self conscious because I don't get to wear "pretty", "womanly" clothing. But flip that to the positive side and I see at least I have clothes. I also have a good reason to dress comfortably everyday. It is a good excuse for sweats and t-shirts. So, what things do you have that are special? Hold those close to your heart.

 Finally I have two things to point out. Recognize why you are celebrating. It should be focused on the holiday. What is the meaning behind it? All the family gatherings and parties are just a bonus. But what is the true meaning? Focus in on that. Diverting your thoughts to focus in on one intention does wonders for the human psyche. It can help quiet all the noise of those reeling thoughts that may be overwhelming you. Also, find some way you can help others. We do not have to be face to face to help one another. It can be a sweet card left at a neighbors' door or donating even $0.50 to a small business or non-profit organization. Donate food to your local food bank. If you can offer to help the food banks package or serve the needy. Send anonymous cards or small gifts to friends, family, nursing homes, where ever. Doing things for others helps take your mind off of your own struggles. It can open your eyes to the gifts you have. It will make you feel good to put a smile on someone else's face. You know, smiles are contagious. You will also be, most likely, working with someone else (socially distanced I hope), and the interaction will be uplifting. I spent every Wednesday at a homeless shelter serving food just after I got my gastric stimulator because I was so traumatized and overwhelmed that I needed an escape. I needed my thoughts to be on anything but my failing health. And you know what? It worked. It may have exhausted me thereafter each time, but the few hours I was there it was like I was my old self again, cleaning tables, serving, cooking, full of energy. Seeing the children was the most heart-breaking and heart warming. Their smiles are burned in my mind. They would be so happy and grateful for something as tiny as a Hot Wheels car or an extra candy cane for dessert. It really put things into perspective for me.

  I know some of these things sound cliché. And they are. But when you manipulate them to fit your current life and your talents or expertise they really can make a difference. I haven't learned a new language or learned how to cook fancy things. I haven't found a new craft or found a great new business idea. I am not rising above daily. I am not flourishing while others dwindle. I may sound self-righteous or all knowing, but I guarantee you I am not. These are things I tell myself daily to make myself feel better. I have to actively work on these things to keep it all at the forefront of my mind. I am still really struggling with depression and anxiety right now. It is a low swing for me. I just know that if I do not actively try to refocus then I will spiral and that is not what I desire whatsoever. 

  My son knows my struggles, but I want to show him you can trudge through the mud to get to the beauty. I want him to see that even adults struggle and that makes us human. But the struggle is making you stronger. To make a sports reference, when you are working your muscles hard they begin to shake. That shake is the struggle. But that shake is also a sign that the muscle is getting stronger. The next time you attempt that activity (after some rest) you will be a little bit better at it. As time goes on, when your body does that activity it becomes easier and easier. Same thing goes for emotional struggles. The struggle is actively working on these positive steps. The shakiness is that struggle. Once you come out the other side, you are stronger and ready to face that struggle next time. (Challenge: Do 10 push-ups everyday for 5 days. Take a rest day. Then do 20 for 5 days. Take a rest day. As you move along, within a month you can do 50 strong push-ups. You'll look back on that strength progression and be proud.)

  My point is, this is not all bad. Pandemic and insane election/politics is definitely a recipe for destruction. With destruction comes reconstruction. Look for the silver lining. There is always a silver lining. My health has proven to me time and time again that there is good in everything. I know way more about nutrition than I ever thought I would. That helps me keep my whole family healthier. I am a master at ratio: proportion math in my head due to medication dosing. I can plan like nobody's business. Packing food and medications and medical devices for any outing makes you really good at being efficient yet effective. My mental health leads me on journeys for new coping skills all the time. Breaking my foot caused me to learn new exercises which lead me to improve strength in parts of my body I really needed. It also opened my eyes to new things I would enjoy doing to stay active. I lost my dad when I was very young. But he loved me and taught me so much in the few years we had together. His energy/soul is always with me because he was a fighter. He lived his life to the fullest, often with no regret. With my tightly wound personality, that spirit is much needed at times. In that loss I gained another dad. One that loves me just as much. He did not replace my dad, I just got lucky enough to have two. Bonus, he came with a whole new family, including siblings, that loves me just the same. I could go on and on about my personal struggles and what silver linings I found, but I will not bore you with more of me. There are rainbows everywhere.

  What I want you to know is that I see you. I hear you. You matter to this world. There is a reason you are here. Do not dwell too long on the pain. Pain is not forever. I promise. I am no higher power. I am no expert. I am nothing special. But I am a woman on a mission to educate, enlighten, and encourage anyone I can because it is important you know you are not alone. I have felt alone many times in my life and it would send me looking for guidance or a road map. I often never found one. That hurt more than anything. You don't have to listen to me. You don't have to like me. But I don't care. I want to help make your life better. I want to help make this world a better world for those to come. You can do hard things. You made it this far. Please, keep moving one baby step at a time. And please think of your fellow man. Be thoughtful and careful. Be kind and generous. Call it karma, call it whatever you want, but your efforts will come back around to you. I know it.

The Struggle Is Real

  Fear escapes no one. I have been struggling the past few weeks from a stigmatized condition I rarely open up about. When I was younger I was diagnosed with both social and generalized anxiety. At times it can be debilitating. With that comes depression due to conflicted inner feelings. Intellectually I know what I am facing is a little scary but my body reacts with utter fear and irrational thoughts. That is part of the battle. Then it turns into a personal comparison with others around me who do not struggle with anxiety. I may see them uncomfortable in the same situation, but not to the severity of my own uncomfortableness. Why does my body not react that way? I wonder.  I know trying to force the anxiety won't work so I often just let it runs its course. Lately it is being compounded by depression. I believe this is partly due to the current pandemic and civil unrest in our country. A lot of it is stemming from my health as well.

  If you've followed my blog you know I have a complicated web of illnesses that continuously battle one another while continue to progress themselves. A year ago I injured my right shoulder and spent 9 challenging months in rehabbing before I had to abruptly stop due to the pandemic. With that I continued a program at home they laid out for me. I reached my final goal about 2 months later. Within days I broke my foot in two places. What should have taken 6-8 weeks to heal wound up taking a little over 5 months. All but the last 4 weeks I had to be non-weight baring. For an active person, that is torture. Endurance was the name of the game. But that was not all that I was dealing with throughout this time.

  In early September it was discovered that my gastric stimulator battery had died and needed to be replaced. Within 6 days I underwent the surgery. Prior to the surgery my blood sugars were so erratic it was driving me crazy just making it through the day. My lack of treatment from the gastric stimulator added to the lack of activity from a broken foot was the perfect storm for uncontrollable numbers. When the battery was replaced I noticed a slight improvement, but not a lot. I did have the stimulator turned up a bit, but the reality is my gastroparesis is far more severe than a lot of others who have a stimulator. Their batteries may last 5-10 years whereas mine has gone from 3 years, down to 2, and now it is estimated to be 18 months. Not only is that overwhelming, but it was a choice between this and a feeding tube. That decision will be revisited next time the battery dies in a year or so. Although I know I made the right decision this year, the decision for next time is looming. I try to focus on the present, but that thought is hard to push away. And yet my struggles did not stop there.

  Due to some discouraging news that I had osteoporosis discovered after m foot was broken, my endocrinologist worked with my gynocologist and primary care doctor to figure out an appropriate treatment for a young 37 year old woman. They decided on an infusion )administered by IV) I will receive yearly. They warned me of "flu like symptoms" in the days that followed, but what they should have said was "incredible pain from deep within accompanied by vomiting and diarrhea". I felt so horrible I thought I would die. I am good with pain and face things head on so you know this was rough. Thank goodness it is once a year and now I know what to expect. But this was actually tough emotionally because of my age. Not only am I frightened by breaking another bone, but I am being treated for osteoporosis in my 30's. My immune system is being beaten down.

  The second day of feeling so horrible I get an email from my gastroenterologist. She said I had active antibodies in my blood work. We are doing everything right so my antibody count should be down. She decided I need to have an endoscopy and some biopsies. This means I will be put to sleep to have a camera go down my throat to my stomach to take pictures and obtain tissue samples. I lost it. I was healing from a broken foot, surgery, and an aggressive treatment then I get an email detailing more concerns. Plus, who wants to fast only to be put to sleep and have something shoved down your throat? I wake up feeling awful. My throat tends to hurt for a few days. And I also tend to not handle food well for a few days following. In addition to that, what will she find? I rarely end up hearing "You're all good!" They have also warned of stomach cancer due to my digestive damage. I am actively trying to avoid those thoughts, but I don't want to be put under AGAIN.

  I am now rehabbing my foot. I am incredibly grateful for making it this far. My shoulder is good. It will never be perfect, but it's doing great. Big plus. Umfortunately the mental strain of the two is definitely lingering. Although I am glad to have a new stimulator battery I know what the reality is and I don't really like the view. I am now constantly afraid of falling or breaking a bone because treatments are not cure-alls. And now my immune system is kicking up unnecessary antibodies causing me to undergo more tests. I'm scared. I am strong. I am a positive person willing to be fulling active in my healthcare. I am hardworking. BUT I am scared. I have rarely asked myself, or God, "why me?", but lately it is creeping in more than I'd like to admit. I know God has a plan and I am impatient to see the end game.

  There it is. We are going through some incredibly unprecedented times. Relationships are being destroyed or damaged left and right throughout our country and the world. My poor only son has not been around his peers in months. He is doing hybrid learning, but he may not even be doing that soon. I am getting too concerned with COVID numbers rising and my health challenging me at every turn. Humans were not made to live this way and we have had no opportunity to adapt so our reaction of chaos and panic seems natural. My health and fears of what is to come are overwhelming. My body is exhausted but I push through because more needs to be done. I feel like a pinball bouncing from barrier to barrier but not getting anywhere. I am stressed, depressed, and my anxiety is through the roof. 

  No medication will help. I do not like taking meds anyway so I often refuse them if it is not life sustaining. The particular medications to help treat anxiety and depression cannot be used in a patient with my digestive disease because it is not absorb or metabolized properly. I do exercise daily. That boosts all the endorphines.

What Can I Say?

   I have had a case of writer's block. Possibly writer's fear or anxiety. The world is so chaotic, I am a ball of anxiety and fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of losing friends and loved ones, whether to the pandemic or differing feelings about the current state of our world. Not only are we in the eighth or ninth month of social distancing, lockdowns, and restrictions, but we are also in the midst of the most important election in a lifetime. In addition, there is social unrest due to racial disparities and injustices. Ultimately, I just have had no real, logical words to express myself. Had I attempted to write before now all that would be said would certainly be nonsensical, emotionally driven statements. I do not need to force my ideas on others and I am too sensitive for someone else to force their ideas on me. I finally decided I was rational enough to sit down and document where everything stands in my world today.

  Today is election day. Today we get to decide who our president will be for the next four years. Due to the pandemic, I voted by mail weeks ago. That took some weight off of my shoulders. As the day has gotten closer and closer, people have gotten less civil and more emotional. There is anger, fear, anxiety, righteousness, you name it. The tension has become so great there have been security measures set in place for riots and other violence prevention. We have a president who does not want to accept a loss and has said there will not be a peaceful transfer of power if he loses. We have a candidate who was once the vice president, and whose running mate is a mixed-race woman. Powerful things have been said on both sides. The outcome of the election is likely not going to be heard today. The country is in a serious state of unrest. I, for one, cannot wait for it all to be over with, no matter the outcome. Stop the insanity and bring back civility. That is all I have to say regarding our government.

  As far as I go, things are running as usual. One thing slows down and another thing arises. One of the best things that has happened recently is that I got a new insulin pump. Technology is always progressing making better and better tools for treating diabetes. This particular pump communicates with my continuous glucose monitor. It is called a closed loop system meaning it alerts me when my blood sugar goes high or low. If it starts to trend low, the pump can suspend insulin delivery for a short time to allow me to get fast acting sugar to correct it. This helps prevent severe lows and allows you to be a bit more active without having to prepare so much. Often before activity a diabetic will lower the amount of insulin they receive to prevent a low blood sugar. This pump helps. It also can predict a high blood sugar coming and adjust it by increasing insulin. For someone with gastroparesis, that is critical.

  Of course, I still have to monitor and manage my diabetes. This newer pump just adds that extra layer of protection. I have mentioned before how difficult managing diabetes is with gastroparesis. The food does not travel predictably through the digestive tract making it hard to fine tune insulin dosages. I often drop low too quickly and end up in the severe low blood sugar range. That is equally true of my high blood sugars. Part of the problem with that is the possibility of stacking insulin making it more likely, and more dangerous, that I will end up with a severe low. A common problem is a rebound effect. Your body recognizes your blood sugar is low, but it recognizes it too late, usually after you have taken some form of fast acting sugar. In turn, a few hours later your blood sugar sky rockets because it has corrected itself much later and you already treated with juice. Then a correction or extra dose of insulin is needed to bring it down to normal and often times that roller coaster continues. This new pump will not prevent highs or lows, but it will help reduce the occurrence of these roller coasters. Not only are they damaging, but they feel horrible too so it's a major score for me. (side note: inulin is not cheap and the government has not done anything to change that. Diabetics are supporting each other to help us all afford what we can get) But I can never forget that Type I diabetes is my only challenge.

  A few months ago I opened up about being diagnosed with osteoporosis at the young age of 37.  After a few months of doctors consulting and brainstorming they finally decided on a treatment to prevent the risk of more serious broken bones. It is an infusion called Reclast. It is given once per year so it seems easy enough. Well, yes and no. I went for my first infusion last week. It took almost two hours. I was in the infusion center alone because COVID is still spreading so there can be no additional people in the facilities. They warned me it may cause flu-like symptoms for a couple of days. What they should have said was, "You may feel like you are dying, but it only lasts a few days." The next day I woke up with a fever and every inch of my body hurt. I have a high pain tolerance and this HURT everywhere. I was vomiting and more. It was awful. Luckily it did only last about two to three days and luckily this will only be once a year. Now I will know what to expect. But wait, there's more.

  The evening I felt the worst I received an email from my gastroenterologist that said I had some antibodies in my blood work and she would like to do an endoscopy and some biopsies. Most of the antibodies are related to Celiac disease. I am very strict on my diet so there should be no active antibodies. At this point I have no plan. I want to hear from her exactly what the plan is and what she is looking for in particular. I also asked her to give me the worst case scenario and the plan that would follow. I have not heard back as of yet. My issue is simple. I am tired. 

  I spent almost a year in physical therapy for a labral tear in my right shoulder. Then I broke my foot four days later. I spent five plus months laid up. The last month of that I had surgery to replace my stimulator battery. I am in physical therapy now for my foot. It has been about five weeks. And last week I had one of the most difficult treatments with that infusion. I am not so sure I want to be put to sleep again, have biopsies done, wake up with a sore throat, and feel crummy for a few days. Honestly, I don't want more bad news. I am overwhelmed. I normally would face this head on and go for it, but not this time. I am just exhausted emotionally and physically. My thoughts are to wait for more answers before I agree to anything. And in the meantime I am going to spend some time with my son.

  So without further ado, I am signing off. My plan for the day is to watch Disney movies and avoid all news and commercials. We will sing, and laugh, and all that good stuff. As tough as it may seem to believe right now, God is here. He is asking me to be still and listen. That's what I intend to do. I pray that all of you are well. And go exercise your right to vote. The sun is shining, even through the clouds. Never forget that, especially on the hardest days!!

Self-compassion Is The Goal

   My goodness. I barely know where to start. The world is in chaos. I can openly admit I am exhausted. I am an extremely high risk person living in this pandemic. We are all experiencing COVID-19 fatigue, meaning we are so tired of it we are becoming a bit more reckless. This is understandable! Many are using the excuse that we cannot live in fear. The thing is, I am not living in fear. I am living in caution. I personally am not scared of dogs; however I would not walk into a group of dogs I am unfamiliar with because that would put me in danger of getting attacked. I do not live in fear, but I do protect myself from danger. This means as long as people are treating this virus as if it were as simple as the common cold, I cannot leave my house. I can wear a mask and wash my hands, but if those around me are not it takes away that crucial layer of protection for all who are high risk. I do go to the doctor or hospital if necessary, but those environments are the safest during this time. Even the physical therapy facility is taking serious protocols and following all CDC guidelines. I just would enjoy being able to rejoin the world beyond maintaining personal health.

  That being said, I did go to the doctor twice this week. I will start with the fun part. I had a follow-up with my podiatrist Tuesday. I have been doing physical therapy since September 15th, but I have still been in a boot. I really only worked on range of motion. At Tuesday's appointment I was cleared to graduate out of the boot. Funny thing is I had bought new shoes just days before I broke my foot. After five plus months in a boot and using crutches, most of my right foot shoes are really worn down. It was really helpful to have new shoes waiting for me in the box. I have to wear special orthotics. I will continue physical therapy to regain strength and range of motion. I am fine with that. 

  I am ecstatic to have the ability to sleep and walk without the boot. My foot does get tired easily. We take for granted all the work our feet do. There are muscles in places I never imagined. Again, I don't mind. I know with some work it will get easier. It is funny to watch it not move when I am concentrating so hard trying to move a muscle. If you know me, you know I like a challenge. I like to tackle and conquer challenges. That makes the rehab process for my foot rewarding. My physical therapist told me, "I'm so glad you are OCD. You are really trying to make sure you get it done right." It was part taunting and part complimenting. He is not the first to mention how rigid I can get so I took it with a laugh. He said many people go through the motions without making that mind to muscle connection so they end up hurt again. I cannot promise I will not hurt myself, but I can promise I will work to prevent it at all costs. That sort of connects to my earlier thoughts on COVID. Do not live in fear, but do what you can to prevent the worst. That baby step forward of graduating out of my boot was not the only excitement for the day.

  I was able to make it home for a quick lunch and some stretching exercises. Then my husband and I headed north to my general surgeon's office for a surgery follow-up for my gastric stimulator. She is about two hours away so it is a good time to blast some old music and enjoy the ride. This appointment was not nearly as eventful, but still productive. I am healing very nicely. I have not lost weight. She simply bumped up the voltage and cycles. This will make my stomach move just a little more. To put it into perspective, I was at a ten for voltage for the past 4 years. When she replaced the battery she had to start slow and low, at a six, to allow my body to adjust again. Now, I am at a seven but with a higher cycling time as well. The next best thing is that her office is near nutrition I love.

  Whenever we go out of town food is the main excitement. It sounds ironic because food is such an enemy to me. Her office is near a Smoothie King. Smoothie King is a smoothie joint that was started by a gentleman whose brother had similar digestive issues. He wanted his brother to have a place to go so he came up with this amazing business. They have smoothies of all sorts, but more importantly they make dairy-free, gluten-free smoothies. They also generally have snack food. We first came across this place in Dallas/Ft. Worth, but was surprised to find it had expanded to New Mexico. Then there is a burger joint my husband loves so he got his treat too. We drove home with the sun setting on the beautiful scenery of northern New Mexico. Since we drove south we enjoyed the sunset.

  All in all, things are looking up. I enjoy periods of time when I am showing improvement as opposed to frequent tough news. I will ride this high for a while. No one can take that away from me. I hold these feelings close to my heart. I still have the reality of being chronically ill. But I am a fighter.

  Let me tell you a little about me beyond "the sick". I enjoy most genres of music. Music is in my blood. Radio has been a huge part of my life thanks to my family working in radio for years. My grandparents met while my grandma was making money singing on radio commercials. My parents met while my dad was a DJ at my grandfather's station. I enjoy being active. Again, it runs in my blood. My dad loved surfing. My mom is a marathon runner. And my step-dad (hate that word) was a football player and coach. I have played and participated in sports all of my life. I love to read. I am that oddball that loves non-fiction, but I can soak up a fiction novel often as well. I really enjoy science, especially nature and human anatomy/physiology. I am known to break out in random acts of dance. I am a very faithful person. The Lord is my savior. I drive a truck because that's just who I am. I enjoy volunteering when I can, although in the past couple years I have not been able to maintain anything on a regular basis. In turn, I frequently find things to donate in any way I can. I mentioned earlier I like a challenge. I love the feeling of accomplishment thereafter. I am also stubborn. I can get passionate and the stubborn seeps in possibly causing a mushroom cloud. That's kind of a joke, but not really. I am very honest with my feelings. I could go on and on, but I will spare you.

  I just thought it was important to take notice of the fact that underneath all of this unbelievable medical issues is a bright human being. We all face challenges. We have all been given a hard deck of cards. The good thing is we have all been blessed as well. That is the joy of life. The up's and down's and what you learn throughout. It makes the high's even better. We are also all multi-layered creatures. We have gifts to offer. Celebrate your gifts. Highlight your blessings. Appreciate the challenges that teach you such valuable lessons. Be self compassionate. Focus on the good and the good gets better.

Recognizing The Good

  I am so proud. I have been able to get back to a lot of my normal activities since the surgery last Tuesday to replace the battery in my gastric stimulator. Having this thing working again is insane. I barely notice physical feelings from gastroparesis changing, but the underlying things you cannot see are remarkable. I do still feel overly full. That is constant but even moreso after a meal for a few hours. I have had some nausea with regurgitation. Last night I actually threw up twice. Although that sounds bad, it is actually somewhat of a good thing. It means my stomach is churning. Probably because I was so used to it being off, my body is reacting similarly to sea-sickness/ motion-sickness. That will subside. My belly does cramp. Again, that can be a good sign showing that muscles that have been stagnant are moving. just getting tired. I remember these from my last two surgeries and once they subside I am more comfortable. I will always have symptoms of gastroparesis since mine is so severe. That does not mean getting the stimulator or replacing the battery was in vain. There have been notable good signs.

  One of those welcome changes is my blood sugar. I did have a telemed (thank you pandemic) appointment with my endocrinologist last week. She helped me make a few changes, but overall thought I was doing very well considering all things. Our newest change was to give myself insulin for my meals 15-20 minutes after my meal. Most people need it before the meal, but since gastric emptying is delayed it is better to wait. So far that seems successful. But moreover, in general my blood sugar is reacting well to the food and insulin combination. I am not having random high blood sugars as often. That is so nice because high blood sugars do make you feel kind of rotten and the swings from high to low are even more taxing. I have had to lower my background insulin because I am not needing as much. This tells me food is not lingering as long in my stomach and small intestine. Eventhough I am not feeling this happen, my diabetes is welcoming the change.

  A big takeaway from my appointment last week was the praise the doctor gave me. Somehow in chronic illness it is easy to place blame on yourself. You feel like you brought this upon yourself. You also feel guilty for burdening those around you. And beyond all of that, as the disease progresses you feel as if you pushed it along as opposed to fighting it. To hear a doctor say she appreciated my tenacity and positive attitude spoke volumes. She expressed how pleased it makes her that I am on top of things and constantly learning and adapting. She touted my intelligence. All of this means so much. The day to day, minute to minute challenge can leave you feeling defeated as I have mentioned about myself in the past. Having someone who deals with a lot of people in the diabetes community recognize me for being a "great patient" makes me feel as if, as usual, I am too hard on myself on a daily basis. Have we mentioned Type A personality??

  The next thing I am hoping to see, since my blood sugars have changed, is my other blood work improving. My main highlight is cholesterol. With gastroparesis and all the comorbidities I literally cannot even think about eating animal fat without getting sick. Fat in itself is incredibly hard to digest, especially "bad" fats. On top of that, meat is incredibly hard to digest, particularly red meat. Yet, somehow my cholesterol is through the roof. My theory is a two fold. One part is that I take a lot of supplements to help with nutrition. Some supplements can give false results. Since my last blood test I have stopped taking those supplements for a short time. The second part of my theory is that cholesterol or triglyceride blood work needs to be done on an empty stomach. Although I have tried to go in on"good" stomach days thinking my belly may be empty, I bet it was not. If you drink even a tiny sip of orange juice, cholesterol will show up in your blood so imagine a full stomach. We will repeat the tests in a few weeks. I am hopeful we will get better results. No matter the situation the doctor does not want to put me on statins considering the fact that I am young, thin, exercise, and eat minimal fat. She suggested a supplement called Cholestoff, but I have not gone out and gotten it.

  In terms of the surgery itself, I am making good progress. I am able to do some chair cardio workouts and a little stretching. The wound is healing beautifully. And pain is decreasing daily. My belly is still a little swollen, but I seem to remember that part taking the longest to go away. I get tired easy. But I am sleeping through the night, which is awesome. I began physical therapy for my foot last week. None of the work they had me do caused any pain near the surgery site on my abdomen. I am proud of myself for all of this. I am helping my body heal by showing it some love and it is responding. Score.

  To talk about my foot for a moment, I'm going to jump subjects. I am actually writing this minutes before my next appointment. I am still in a walking boot for a while, but I can take off my boot for no impact work. I have done squats on a Total Gym machine, rode an incumbent bike, and today I will work on some resistance training. As much as I dislike physical therapy, I welcome the exercise and recognize its importance in the healing process., as well as preventing future injury. This is just another baby step towards recovery. The interesting thing is that I will see the podiatrist on October 6th to see if I can possible get out of the boot then I will jump in the car to head a couple hours north for a follow-up with my surgeon. Busy day, but killing two birds with one stone. I am encouraged I will get good news.

  As I write this I am feeling a little crappy from a sleepless night with some vomiting. I am feeling a little emotional for no discernable reason. But at the same time I am so happy with where I am. I feel like I am making good progress without pushing myself too hard. I am healing better than I expected. God is really working on me today. He has given me such a hard day yet so much positivity to balance it. I know tomorrow will be better than today. That makes things better. I am seeing what could be when all of this recovery is over. That is exciting. We all knew this was coming. It is just so difficult when you are in the middle of the whirlwind to believe it will ever end.

Acceptance is Key

  Today is 7 days out from my surgery to replace the battery in my gastric stimulator. It was such a difficult decision to make, but I have not questioned it since. I know I made the best decision for my lifestyle. I needed to gain better control of my brittle Type I diabetes while still being able to stay active. I was certain I was doing the right thing, but was waiting to feel that "buyers' remorse" type regret. I was afraid I would wake up from surgery and start thinking of the "shoulda done"s. That has not happened once which is such a relief!

  The dynamic of gastroparesis and diabetes is that of a toxic relationship. One entity trying to dominate the other. I have always been active. I was taught healthy eating at a young age and that just got more intense once I was diagnosed with diabetes. As a Type I we are able to eat like anyone else, we just give ourselves insulin to cover the carbohydrates in food. I began to limit simple sugars like candy once I was diagnosed, but we all should do that anyway. When being educated on insulin dosing and carb counting you learn there are different carbs like complex or simple. Simple carbs go through your body quickly causing a quick spike in blood sugar followed by a quick drop. Complex carbs are slow to digest so they help maintain a more even blood sugar. Think about pouring plain table sugar through a straw. It's like a pixie stick. Quick. Then think about adding crumbled oats to that table sugar and you would imagine it would disrupt the flow taking the sugar a longer amount of time to clear the straw. Same thing with your digestive system.

  Now, usually insulin starts to act within 15 minutes and continues working for about 2 hours. That would be great if you had a meal with protein and complex carbs like eggs with whole wheat toast. That would make a graph of your blood sugars look like rolling hills. If you ate Lucky Charms instead you would see the Rocky Mountains on that graph. The idea is to keep the rolling hills. So what happens when your body does not digest in the normal fashion? Mountains, valleys, hills, the works. Gastroparesis starts to win the battle over insulin.

  With gastroparesis food stays in my stomach for days. Yes, I said days. On top of that, sometimes things get pushed through by other food, sometimes it travels at a semi-normal speed, and sometimes nothing moves. Liquids are the easiest thing to move. We all know that fiber, fat, and protein slow the digestion process. Most healthy diets use them to help maintain steady blood sugars, even in non-diabetics. Typically a diabetic diet is high fiber, high protein, and good fats. Gastroparesis has limited me to 5 grams of fat per day, 10-15 grams of protein, and 10-15 grams of fiber per day. THAT IS NOTHING. Yet my stomach still is not moving food. So what does this mean?

  This means I am eating a diet that is 100% against the diabetic diet or the "Lauren" diet I used to love. I am eating only simple sugars with very little protein or fiber. But remember, my belly is not moving or digesting. I cannot give myself insulin right before I eat. It usually needs to be after because my body doesn't even begin to absorb the sugar right away. Usually 1-2 hours after I give myself insulin for a meal my numbers are fairly good. But wait an hour beyond that, then the next and suddenly my blood sugar is through the roof. Why? Well, because I gave myself insulin for the meal I was eating, not for the food that is in my belly. When food moves from the stomach to the small intestine, that is where most of the sugar is absorbed. Without knowing exactly what is moving from one organ to the next it is incredibly hard to predict what may be absorbed. All I know is what I just ate. Sound confusing? IT IS! And the worst part, no doctor can give you advice. They can monitor you, but they cannot tell you how to predict something or how to safely prevent more damage. Gut motility disorders are not well understood.

  When the battery went out on the gastric stimulator I had no idea. What did start to happen, and should have been my first clue, was my blood sugar would drop way too low after eating then spike way too high 3-4 hours later, remaining high for hours. If I tried to correct, it would plummet. I thought I was stressed out and adrenaline was causing some wacky things. Not the case. I was not digesting, moving, or absorbing properly. I could tell I was struggling to digest because the easiest things were starting to feel like bricks in my belly. I have said this before, but it feels like I eat an entire fast food meal plus a large pizza all by myself. I almost feel the fullness all the way in my throat. I don't even remember what it feels like to eat a regular meal and just feel satisfied. I always feel deprived, yet always feel incredibly full.

  As you can imagine, this wears on my emotions. Food is such an integral part of our culture. We have feasts for big holidays and cook-outs or gatherings to celebrate anything we can imagine. We meet up for lunch, dinner, or drinks just to catch up with a friend. Food is everywhere. As this disease progresses, and it is happening faster as I age, I am having to limit more and more while simplifying more and more. I spent hours on the computer last night looking up recipe ideas and anything else to help me feel more "normal". Of course, this is not the first time I have done this kind of research. Since so little is understood about motility disorders there is little to be found.

  I have discovered little tricks along the way. One of my tricks is exercise. More important is exercise involving twisting or crunching always involving the use of gravity to help break the food down while shaking it through my belly into the small intestine. Walking, yoga, pilates and similar exercises are my go to. The problem is I am having to do these things more than I want now. Most days I end up working out 2-3 times per day for at least 30 minutes. As much as I like to be active I also want to be lazy. On top of that, the exercise burns a lot of calories I just tried to consume. So I eat then exercise or just not eat at all. Neither of those options are good, mentally or physically. 

  I spent a lot of last night in tears. Then my ninja girl comes out and says "I will conquer this." Then I get mad. And the cycle often continues, but it ALWAYS passes. I just explained to my husband that I am envious of those of you who can eat regularly. I don't think I remember what a normal gut feels like. I want to run and jump and swim and hike. But I can't. Not just because of the gastroparesis,  but the other diseases limit me also. I want to be able to eat at a restaurant or leave the house without having to pack my own food. I miss baked goods so much. It is this all encompassing deprivation.

  My positive self comes out when I start to spiral like this. I have options. I spent today making chicken noodle soup, chicken with rice soup, and peeled and sliced potatoes I bake with a tiny amount of olive oil. My parents generously drove 2 hours to go to Whole Foods and grab me some unsweetened peanut butter and dairy free yogurt. I have plenty of frozen fruit I can use to make smoothies. I can tolerate eggs now that the battery has been replaced. Unfortunately, that is the extent of the excitement. Notice there is nothing crunchy on this list. Also, the soups do not have any vegetables because I cannot tolerate them. No beef or pork. No spices. No condiments really. So, I have options but not many. A human being instinctively needs to chomp. Eating pureed foods, soups, and baked potatoes does not give you that crunch. It seems like even if I do all the right things I will still feel deprived. It is overwhelming and unfair. Who said life was fair, right?

  The one tool I hang on to is gratitude. I do thank my body for allowing me to wake up everyday. I thank my body for the ability to move. I am proud of myself for continuing to fight this battle. I am proud of myself for finding something to smile or laugh about EVERYDAY. I hold onto my intention for every action. Sometimes my intention for a morning workout is simply to ground myself and not focus on the benefits it is having on the disease I fight. Sometimes my intention for an afternoon unplugged is to be present with my son. Most days my intention is to be me. I have so much to be thankful for. I complain. I whine. But I know my struggles are minuscule compared to so many others. As I enter this new chapter my intention is to accept. One of the biggest causes for depression is not accepting your challenges. I will learn and adapt as the diseases progress. I remind myself that I have faced similar challenges in the past and made it through. There is always a rainbow at the end of a storm. Usually that rainbow is that the challenge made me a better person. This too will make me stronger. I may desire more than I have, but when I look at how strong this has all made me I know the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Get 'er Done

  How amazing life can be. In the span of hours or minutes or even seconds you can go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. The trick is, ride the highs through the lows. The momentum from the high will often carry you through the lows. That's how I like to roll. Like any human being, I am not always perfect. Can you believe that?!

  Yesterday was a day to remember for sure. As most of you know, I am recovering from a foot injury. It has been four months now that I have been in a boot and completely non-weight bearing. I did manage to graduate from a tall boot to a short boot, but most would be healed by now. Not Lauren. So, yesterday morning I had a check-up. I was nervous hoping I could make a move forward, but prepared to hear I wasn't ready yet. To my surprise, I am now officially allowed to go without crutches. I still have to wear a boot for a while, but I can bear weight. It was such a feeling of gratitude, excitement, accomplishment, and all of the above. I also get to start physical therapy. Very light physical therapy, but I get to start. Baby steps towards success. Pun fully intended.

  I then had an appointment about 2 hours away with my general surgeon who monitors my gastric stimulator. It gave me a few hours to eat lunch, get a little bit of exercise and get things together. I was assuming not much had changed. The stimulator is turned all the way up so I knew there was going to be no adjustments. I also knew that my last stimulator battery lasted about 4 years. I have had this one about 2 1/2 so we knew it was just a matter of time, especially with the settings all maxed out. I am not sure exactly what I expected.

  As we have all become accustomed to, during COVID social interactions are being kept to a minimum so I have to enter all these appointments alone. This is a major struggle for me. I am a total introvert and horrible with small talk. I have social and generalized anxiety so sometimes it is almost paralyzing. That was where my focus was yesterday. My husband is a great buffer. He is a people person and a charmer. I just contribute to the conversation when I can otherwise I stay focused in on the issue at hand. My surgeon is a talker. How was I going to be able to be screened for COVID, enter the office and check in with a different person, be taken back by a nurse, and see the doctor without my anxiety taking control? I was giving myself out loud pep talks the whole way. My husband just kept telling me it would be over soon.

  We get to the office and I bravely made my way to the front entrance hobbling on my newly usable booted foot. I made it in, was quickly checked in, then quickly taken back to a room. Luckily, they are all comfortable with me and know my history so it wasn't as bad as my anxiety makes me think it may be. When the doctor finally came in she got her little device all ready, set up shop on my belly, and instantly said, "Yup. It's dead." I had no response. She stepped back and asked "What would you like to do?" My mind and body went into a small tornado of thoughts and emotions.

  We had talked in a previous appointment about what to do when the battery died. I need more surface area on abdomen to place my insulin pump and continuous glucose meter. The stimulator is about the size of a hockey puck on the lower left quadrant of my abdomen. It sticks out and sometimes hits my hip bone in funny places making it uncomfortable. I can't sleep on my belly and sleeping on my left side can get awkward. Because it was maxed out and I was still only getting very little relief from the gastroparesis I genuinely just wanted to take it out. The conclusion we came to at that previous appointment was to let it die, keep it in for 6 weeks or so and see how I felt after that just in case I was unaware of any benefits it may be having on me. At yesterday's appointment it showed that it died right about the time the world shut down, mid March to early April.

  Due to the timing she said, "Well, it has been a few months so what do you think?" Now, remember I had just gotten the news I was allowed to weight bear so I was on cloud nine not ready to come down. She then decided to talk this out with me to help organize my thoughts. It was at that moment that I think she realized I was better when I had that moral support of my husband or family. She went into what my options would be so that my decision would be a fully informed one. Here's what she laid out for me.

  First option is to remove the stimulator all together. If we did that she would simply remove the device, but leave the leads inside my body. Because they are connected to my stomach lining it is dangerous to try to remove them. It may perforate the stomach allowing sepsis to occur. There would be caps she could place at the end, but with no battery power there is no risk of shocking. I would still not be able to have MRI's due to the metal in the leads. That would be that and I would simply have the scars as battle wounds. That seems pretty straight forward. BUT imagine eating something like scrambled eggs yet feeling like you ate a super-sized McDonald's combo and a large pizza with all the toppings in one sitting. Do I want to risk having that feeling? I have been struggling with eggs recently yet they were all that kept me alive for years. They are so easy to digest when scrambled. Would this struggle get worse? Would I lose more weight? I lost 7 lbs since mid March.I was in the low 80's before the initial implant in 2013.

  Second option is to change the battery. This would allow us to at least set it at the voltage I had just a few months ago. I really hadn't notice a physical feeling of difference since I last saw her. I didn't know it had died. I knew I was starting to really struggle with the easy foods and I started to notice I was becoming less interested in eating. I would force myself, but just the minimum, I really hadn't craved junk food. We all crave sugar or salt at some point. Yet, I couldn't pin point a moment of sudden change. Would I just regret putting in a new battery just to complain about how much I hate the stimulator being there? Oddly enough, even my own pride slipped in wondering what would people think if I made a bad decision. Who was I going to let down?

  Third option is to finally give in to the feeding tube. She explained where it would be placed. It would leave my stomach available for "pleasure eating" but my nutrients would be coming from the feeding tube supplementation. I would have to feed for about 6-8 hours per day. She said most people do it at night so they can sleep through it and go about their day. Because I am a Type I diabetic the feeding may need to be broken up in 2 hour segments spread throughout the day. The positive of this would be a predictable stream of nutrients, including carbs, allowing me to better control my diabetes. With food randomly going through in bits and pieces, as it does now, it is really hard to get the right insulin dosages and timing to match when the small intestine will absorb the carbs that are ingested. This means, currently, I swing from high to low and back quite frequently. Now, hold onto that information. It is important to my final decision.'

  I brought up blood sugar control. I highlighted what I just laid out for you. Of course, she agreed because we have talked in detail about it for years. Then it hit me. "It died back in March or April, right?" I asked. She confirmed. My mind was a reeling movie of the past few months. I remembered having a conversation with my sister in early April about how stressed I was over the entire COVID-19 pandemic situation. I was additionally frustrated at the time because my blood sugars had suddenly gotten even more erratic than usual even though I was being extra diligent. I figured it was stress....but, if...huh? If the stimulator died around that time that meant that my fluctuating numbers could be partly due to the fact that the stimulator had died. Although it was not giving me much relief it must have still been moving food in a somewhat rhythmic pattern I could follow to dose my insulin better. Huh? It could be a possibility.

  That brought us to my final option. We replace the battery and if there is little relief we could put in the feeding tube and I would live with both. Wow. That would probably help a lot. I would love to be 10-20 lbs heavier and that option would get me there. It would also take up more belly space though. It would add additional attachments. Would I be able to cope with that in the long run? Or am I ready to try to cope with it knowing it is necessary? Tough one.  She asked again what my thoughts were. I decided to say, "I think I need to digest this information a bit. Haha no pun intended there. (literally just came out that way) Let me process it and get back to you." She ended that with explaining we could get this done in one to two weeks if I let her know by Friday (this was Tuesday). I told her I would definitely get back to her before then because the weight of the decision would be too much to carry around for very long. I was still taken aback even more when she said one to two weeks. In previous years it had been a few months of prep time.

  As I said earlier, this appointment was two hours away. That gave me time to think, but avoid thinking all at the same time. Again, just hours earlier I had received the great news that I could lose the crutches. I wanted to ride that high. I was enjoying it. The heaviness of this looming decision was allowing it to creep into my thoughts over and over. Getting rid of the stimulator all together would be ideal. I would love to have a little freedom over my own body again. But was it realistic? The feeding tube would help control my blood sugars protecting my eyes, heart and kidneys longer. And it would allow me to avoid force feeding myself. But it is a lot of maintenance. Then it hit me. It wouldn't affect my daily activities much, she had told me, but what about yoga and pilates? I have lived on chair workouts or floor workouts these past four months. I have to exercise. It is not a chore to me but a passion. I am not able to run so would I just have to take long walks for the rest of my life? I'd be walking like Forrest Gump ran. Could I lose another passion? I have already given up so much. These thoughts rolled on and on while I vocalized them as they came. I probably was not even talking in a linear fashion anymore, but my husband listened. 

  About 2/3 of the way home I just said "That's what I have to do..." After a long pause I laid out my logic. I am not ready to give up yoga, pilates, or floor barre workouts. They make my body feel so good releasing my mind and keeping me grounded. It's meditation and prayer. It would be like losing running and basketball. Devastating. That means the feeding tube is out. I am not ready. The battery has been dead about the same amount of time as my blood sugars have decided to go haywire. I cannot afford to lose more vision. I cannot afford to lose my sight. I cannot treat my organs as if they are expendable. I have to make a decision that is beneficial to my health overall. I hate having to wear an insulin pump. It is uncomfortable and highly inconvenient as well as a lot of maintenance. Yet, I do it because I have to control my diabetes. I have to look at my stimulator as if it were a different form of medication/treatment. Just because it is uncomfortable and inconvenient is that a reason to bury my head in the sand and toss it to the curb? No. My blood sugars were better prior to March whether or not my belly felt any different. I have to replace the battery. I decided to sit on that decision and sleep on it. AND PRAY...HARD!

  That's exactly what I did while barely sleeping last night. I woke up and got my son ready for school and my husband set out to work. I started one of my favorite chair cardio videos. This one is challenging and long, perfect for a lot of thinking to be done. Somewhere in the middle it hit me clear as a bell. I can still do chair cardio while recovering. See, I had been worried that any surgery was going to interfere with my foot rehab as well as taking away physical activity for a while. That won't be the case. I can do it all, just balance it. The battery replacement is an out-patient surgery. The first week or two you have to take it very slow, but the recovery time is 3-6 months. That's what I recall from 2017. Physical therapy for my foot was scheduled to start next week. I could still do that rehab while recovering from my surgery because it is my foot and ankle that need light PT for a few weeks before moving up to a more rigorous rehab regimen. Chair cardio places no impact on your feet AND it is not pulling, twisting, or bending your body so my belly can heal. In time I will be able to walk and do yoga and pilates. On top of that, we have a beautiful new elliptical machine gifted to us days before I broke my foot. I will have that option as well. Yay for sanity! "That's the best choice. That's what I need to do." So, as soon as I was done working out I called the doctor's office before I lost my emotional strength. "I want to replace the battery." I told the nurse.

  About two short hours later I get a call from my surgeon's office. The voice sweetly said, "Are you available Tuesday?" Surprised I asked, "This Tuesday?" My face was fully twisted. "Yes. Tuesday the 8th. Let's do the surgery Tuesday the 8th." I knew I had nothing scheduled that day so before I let my mind go too far and my frightened emotions take hold I agreed. She gave me some instructions I am sure I will forget. My mind was spinning. I just kept thinking "What is today? Wednesday? Yeah, Wednesday. Next Tuesday?! Really? Ok." Same thought going and going as she went on. I jotted down a few notes, but told her I assume someone will walk me through this as the week goes on. I quickly called my husband once we hung up. His first words "WHAT? TUESDAY?" then silence. Uh oh. What did I just do? I suddenly panicked. He took a breath, explained he was just caught off guard, but let's do it. He had literally only told his boss minutes before that a possible surgery could be happening this month. We didn't expect 6 days from now. 

  Here is the interesting thing that is so very important to document. We are living in the COVID-19 pandemic of 2020. I have to self isolate for 5 days prior to the surgery. That is no problem. Being high risk I am already self isolating. I also need to get tested for COVID-19 before the surgery. Remember me going into these appointments alone. Well, surgery is no different. Like anyone who is entering a hospital these days, I will be going into this surgery alone. I will fall asleep with only medical professionals surrounding me. I will wake up with only medical professionals surrounding me. You know how I get incredible anxiety in social situations? This will be insane. I will be at my most vulnerable in one of the most terrifying situations in my life. I may sound dramatic, but the struggle is real. This will be an interesting experience to say the least! All I can hold onto is that this will make me a better and stronger person in the end. I may suffer from shyness and anxiety my whole life. Oh well. It will be hard. Oh well. I will come out better because of it; better for my health, better for my family, better for taking care of me. 

  I will walk away from this with better blood sugar control. I will be preserving my sight, heart, and kidneys. I will be a strong example for my son. I will be here longer for my son. I will have faced a fear and overcome it. I can do this. I will still have my exercise to release all the pent up energy I have. I will be able to eat eggs without the feeling of bricks in my belly. There is always a rainbow. I will come out the other side brighter and prettier inside and out. Let's get 'er done!

  e

(insert name)'s awful, terrible, no good, very bad (insert time frame)

   We are all familiar with the children's book where the main character Max has one of those days where nothing seems to go right. At this moment in our lives many of us are going through this, but in a Groundhog Day fashion. All of our normal habits and rituals are all skewed. Humans, like most animals, are creatures of habit so this has been a big challenge. Understandably so! As the world changes and evolves animals usually follow suit. The thing is, this evolution happens over time allowing animals to adapt. The year 2020 tuned into a warp speed version of this...yet we humans are not able to adapt at warp speed. This is leading most of us to feel imbalanced. There is always positive in change. But try spinning around and around then focus on something you love. That positive thing you love is blurred for a few seconds. 2020 has spun our heads so fast it is difficult to stay upbeat all the time.

  Our household has been no different. There is so much good surrounding us. We are lucky in that my husband has a job that is essential so he has maintained his job. He is a pharmacy technician. He has health insurance and paid sick leave if needed. Because of this and the help of family our cupboards have stayed stocked. We have clothes on our backs and shoes on our feet. We obviously have access to the internet as I write this blog. We have two working vehicles. We have a home we are not at risk of losing. We have three church communities to rely on, one of which is my son's school. He attends a private Christian school we are able to pay for through tuition assistance. And to top it off, his school is prepared and ready for the new school year. How blessed can we be?

  Just like everyone else, we have all been sent into a whirlwind. Most days are good. We have found a new normal(ish). Since I am high risk I am really not able to get out much. COVID-19 is not a fight I want to be a participant in. My son stays home with me most of the time. Although he is 14, his autism keeps his maturity level a little low so he still needs more attention. My husband works at a grocery store pharmacy so he picks up groceries. What he cannot get there my parents get through an app that allows curbside pickup. We don't always get our preferred brands of stuff or all items we need. Nonetheless, we are still well taken care of. But in all reality it is driving me bonkers!

  I am a typical Type A personality, an introvert, and very independent. For decades I have been running my own errands, getting my own groceries, cleaning my own house, and so on. COVID has brought most of that to a halt. My acrobatics that broke two bones in my foot on Mother's Day made sure to top that list off. If I were the one going to the store and not being able to get a certain product it would be irritating but ok. When someone else can't find something I feel like if I had just gone I would've found it. Intellectually I know that is most likely not the case, but my controlling ways tells me it is. In comes the balancing act of making sure my frustration and anger are directed at the situation NOT the other person. I am not always good at that, but I am good at correcting myself when I realize I overreacted. So, where do those negative feelings go? 

  In view of the fact that I am an introvert, I struggle to really open up. I might share some surface stuff, but the real issues stay locked inside in a vault. Blogging helps give me an outlet. It is similar to journaling, yet the world can view it. It seems counter-intuitive. The thing is, I have a goal in mind. I am journaling outwardly to help people who are like me. When I was struggling so bad in my twenties with unrecognizable diseases and emotions I had no one to look to so I could tell myself "see, they got through it". That's what I am doing. I intend to compile this all into a book, but in the meantime the mission of my writings needs to be available to whomever needs it right now. So, it acts as a multi-tool. It is an outlet for me and a window for others.

  I think it is important to talk about mental health. It has always been an important issue that is getting more and more attention in the past several years. Like most things in 2020, it has hit warp speed and we all need to recognize it. I personally struggle with social and generalized anxiety, PTSD, and depression. That is really the first time I have openly admitted that in full. The thing is, it is real. Just like I take insulin and exercise to help control diabetes, I need to take steps to control my mental health as well. This year has really tested me....and continues. My best coping skill is putting things into perspective. "Where do I fit in all of this?"

  I cannot take anti-depressants. I have tried and tried, but the side effects are not worth it to me. Even on small doses I feel numb. I don't want to feel numb. It takes the joy out of life. I do have some medication for situational or acute anxiety, but I avoid those as much as possible because addiction happens quickly. Another fight I am not willing to partake in. A scientific note, most "feel good" hormones come from your gut. You would think they are in your brain exclusively. Not the case. Could my aversion to anti-depressants be due to my gut not working properly? Good possibility. But medication is not always the answer. Validation and acknowledgement is where it starts. Eliminating the stigma and accepting someone fully. Perfection is a word, not reality.

  I ran into someone yesterday who bravely disclosed to me that he had been suicidal for 12 years. The thing that pulled him out of it was the word of God and he returns to that more and more now as the pressure is on. The word of God is not for everyone, just like medication. I have known others who simply started exercising more consistently and it pulled them out of a hole. Exercise induces endorphines which your brain loovves! I also know several family members who rely on talk therapy. All of these avenues are being used at remarkable rates during the pandemic. I ask where I fit into all of this and the answer is right here. 

  I have no answer to solving the world's problems. I have no magic trick to calm everyone's psyche. What I do have to offer is an open door. I can empathize with those struggling. I can tell you, the struggle is real. The positive in all of this is that we do still have choices. We feel stuck or paralyzed, but we're not. We are all like snowflakes. No two are alike. What works for one of us will not work for all of us. But you do have to try. I am a layman. I can only speak from my own experiences. I have highlighted some good tools that can be used when nothing else works; medication, therapy, exercise, a higher power. None of this works without coping skills, though.

  I could write for days on this topic. So, to wrap it up I just want to say, be self-compassionate. Do not beat yourself up. We are all struggling. Find a creative outlet to grasp onto. Try adult coloring, learn a new skill, craft, DIY, write poems or songs, journal, watch or read the funny things, get dressed up, you do you. Keep yourself informed, but do not watch or read every news brief that comes out. Take a beat when you are in a tough situation. Try to name your emotion whether it be frustration, anger, sadness, panic, etc. What got you there? This way you can direct that emotion in the right place and calm it. I cannot direct my negative emotions at the pandemic because it is not tangible, but I can let those around me know what I am upset about. This prevents them from internalizing my negativity. I am not always mad at my husband, but he is there which makes him an easy target. When I tell him I am upset at the situation, he knows I am not taking things out on him. This is not easy. Practice makes progress. Remember, perfection is just a useless word.

  When you have an awful, terrible, no good, very bad day just stop. All it takes is three seconds to shift your processing. If you take those three seconds, maybe make it 30, you can find something good to focus on. When you focus on the good, the good gets better. I told my son today "It is like looking at a beautiful tree with a broken branch. Don't focus on the broken branch, acknowledge it. But focus on the beautiful tree." It is much easier to say than to do, especially when the negative you are facing is something as terrible as losing your home. In those tough situations acknowledge it is hard and emotionally unbearable, but what good do you have at that moment you can focus on. Maybe it is just a simple "hello" from someone walking by. As tiny as that seems, it is good. A building is built from bricks or wood, not as a whole but in small pieces put together in such a way it provides shelter. Continue to collect the bricks of the good you see around you so you can provide shelter from the struggles you need to overcome. I don't care who you are, you are a champion in your own right. Dig deep. If you need to, comment on this post and I can reach out to you personally and privately. Again, I am no professional, but I have two ears for listening, two eyes for reading, two arms for hugging (when that's allowed again), and tons of empathy and compassion. 

   

Osteoporosis Won't Break Me

  Osteoporosis. That is an interesting word to hear at 37 years old. That's what I got. I had to do a bone density scan last week. Not just because my broken foot is taking its sweet time to heal, but I am also very thin, malnourished, and I have ovarian failure. Yup. You read that right too. Ovarian failure. These are two things someone in their thirties rarely has to think about. This is now what I face. Although a little frightening, I see this challenge as a learning opportunity. It isn't a great deal of fun for a man to read about ovaries so I will keep that short and simple.

  For years I have had irregular periods. For a few years I was treated for ovarian cysts and that worked out great. When we moved from a metropolitan area in Texas to a rural area of New Mexico I kind of brushed it off not wanting to find an OB-GYN because, let's face it, who does? After 2 years and a serious lack of periods I finally broke down. I would love not to have one, but I am smart enough to know it is not good to not have them. There is not a chance of pregnancy. I had my tubes tied back in 2011 due to my fragile health. I found an OB-GYN. After a detailed exam and discussion she knew things might be more complicated. She ran some blood work and called back a few weeks later to notify me that I have ovarian failure. What's that?

  Well, I had been warned since my early thirties that many auto-immune diseases cause early menopause. My assumption was that may be what is causing me to be irregular. I have never heard of ovarian failure.  The Mayo Clinic refers to it as ovarian insufficiency. That word again, "insufficiency". Seems to be one of my running themes. Basically, my ovaries are not producing enough estrogen and/or eggs. This is not normal for women under 40. It is different from menopause in that women with ovarian failure or insufficiency can have periods on and off and possibly even get pregnant during this time (not me). Women who have premature menopause  stop having periods completely. Glad we got that sorted out. So the next question is what do we do about that?

  The doctor talked about hormone therapy and a few other things. All of which I listened to but barely understood. This is not in my wheel house and I have never even researched them. I am such an information junkie, I am usually ahead of the curve. She then explained she wanted to consult with an endocrinologist (specializes in hormone and hormone glands) as well as my primary care physician to go over options for any possible treatment. Her concern, of course, was starting something that may be dangerous considering my complex medical history. She heard I broke some bones in my foot so she decided to have a bone density scan done.

  I had to go to the local hospital. All diagnostic imaging is done there in our small town. That is a scary experience during COVID and I have been there several times since I broke my foot for different scans. A side note to this is the woman who checked me in was not wearing a mask. It is state mandated and it is a hospital. That made me uncomfortable. The scan took hardly any time. She did have to take my official height. I am proud to say I am officially 5'3". I am the tall one in my family haha Due to the pandemic, results get to the doctors faster. Radiologists are not having to do as much since healthcare is focused on necessity right now. The very next day the OB-GYN called to let me know I have osteoporosis.

  Now that was not what I was expecting. I am pretty good at being prepared for a new diagnosis. My gut instincts are good at knowing even before I consciously know myself.  Not this time. Because it is not something that was on my radar and no one in my family has really talked about it, I honestly had no concrete idea on what the different bone diseases/disorders meant. She explained and I listened, but I can't relay what she said. I don't think it registered at the time. Again, she wanted to consult with my endo and primary care doctor before starting any treatment, but some treatment is needed. I do take a calcium supplement and vitamin D because I do not absorb them naturally. She believes some hormone treatment may be necessary at this point.

  Osteoporosis literally means porous bone. Bones do have a blood supply. They also have two very important cells called osteoblasts and osteoclasts. The osteoblasts break bones down. Osteoclasts rebuild. Diabetics already produce more osteoblasts than osteoclasts which is why it takes longer for our bones to heal along with poor circulation. In osteoporosis there are also more osteoblasts than osteoclasts causing the body to lose more bone than it can reproduce. This makes the bones porous and brittle. Sometimes something as little as a sneeze or minor bump can cause a bone to break. The main concerns are the spine, hips, and wrists. I have read that even just sitting there a vertebrae may crumble. How do you protect yourself when you are a 37 year old mother?

  Strength training, impact exercises, and nutrition. So, we know I can only do so much nutrition wise. I eat as healthy as I can within my limitations. My body does not absorb all nutrients. I take supplements to help, but it is not a fix all. I am limited in protein intake due to my gastroparesis. Most of us know, protein is crucial for repair and development of the body. That one gets me. I have always exercised. In the past ten years it has really only consisted of long walks and yoga. Since my broken foot I have had to become more creative. I do a lot of floor or chair work which really strengthens your arms, abs, butt, hips, and back. Little did I know, that strength training is exactly what is necessary for osteoporosis. Score one for Lauren. The impact exercises will come in due time. They are things like walking, running, and jumping. But at least I know. Now, I can be sure to do a variety of exercises even beyond my foot injury. 

  I have mentioned this before, but I found some great content on YouTube for "hurt foot" workouts. Donovan Green (Dr. Oz's trainer) and Caroline Jordan are my two favorites. They make chair cardio videos. Caroline also makes floor barre and total body non-weight bearing workouts. I have come to really enjoy them. I used to be a long distance runner and basketball player. These workouts get me to that level of intensity. Who would've thought? Walking and yoga are peaceful, but nothing beats a runners' high. I am strengthening muscles I didn't know I had yet are so crucial to preventing injury. They have even gotten my shoulder feeling great. I had a labral tear last August and have struggled through physical therapy and more to rehab. These exercises really strengthen your posture muscles in turn strengthening your shoulders. I highly suggest you try it before you knock it, especially during this pandemic. It will reduce anxiety, help you strengthen, possibly lose weight (if needed), and as my son puts it, "It's somethin' to do". I recruited him for my evening routines. It has changed my life for the better.

  That is what is so cool. We all say, "there is always a rainbow at the end of a storm" or "the sun will come out tomorrow" yet it is difficult to really internalize. We also know there is power in positive thinking. Well, the shoulder injury and then the foot injury seemed horrible, but have now proven to actually be a blessing. They have made me really slow down. I tend to push myself beyond my limits then pay for it. These injuries have reset my mind reminding me to not push so hard. They also brought me to new exercises. I learned I really enjoy things I normally passed up. That has made me rethink trying other new things in other aspects of my life, These two trainers are incredible at educating while not judging. They are motivational. I have learned to be compassionate with myself. I am constantly reminded to be grateful for how incredible the human body is. It is one of the rare things that can heal and get stronger. I am better at pushing away negativity. I am better at focusing on my health. That helps all else fall in to place. 

  As I sit here with my foot propped up and no end in sight, I do feel thankful. I am excited for the day I can walk again because that just means I can add more to my arsenal. I will never get bored with the variety of exercises I can do. I may not be competing anymore, but I think I am stronger than when I was. I talk about exercise so much because I love it. Movement is medicine. Having a bad day> Exercise and get endorphines. Feeling tired? Exercise and get endorphines. Bored? Don't eat. Get up and move. The endorphine rush is real. The best natural remedy on earth. As long as you are doing it right and for the right reasons, there are only good side effects. Even as sick as I am, I think I was born with far too much energy and I have to get it out some way. 

So, welcome osteoporosis and ovarian failure. I am here to fight and win. 

Appreciate The Victories

  I wanted to write last week, but was honestly just too exhausted emotionally to get anything out there. I know I am not alone. Again, I am a positive person. I just do not think anyone is getting through this year unscathed. In an effort to avoid further conversation about the barrage of information that is being pushed down our throats currently, let's go back to talking about the main point of this blog; my absurd health and the events that unfold.

  My focus today is my biggest frustration of the moment. I have mentioned it before, but this darn broken foot of mine. I am typically confined to my home due to my health. I have to nearly pack up the house just to leave for a few hours; meds, emergency gear, protective measures, etc. The current pandemic has forced me to stay in even more, which has actually proven good for my Lupus. If only all others would fall in line. Lupus is really affected by sun rays so the less time outside is reducing inflammation inside my body. I am getting cabin fever though. With my foot broken it is limiting my activities even more and that is driving me crazy.

  I went to the podiatrist two weeks ago for a follow-up hoping I would be able to begin using only the walking boot with no crutches. No dice! Everything is still in place and aligned which is normally a big concern with diabetics. That one was a relief. However, my foot is not ready yet. I was moved into a smaller boot. The first one went up to my knee. This one is mid calf. But I still needed 2 weeks continuing non-weight bearing. Then, the plan is to move on walking with the crutches as support the third week. The fourth week I will be allowed to walk in the boot without a scooter or crutches for one to two hours a day. I will see him after that week.

  I am on the third week. Although I am feeling improvement I am not ready to put my foot down too much so I am using the crutches and scooter just as I had. I have put a little more weight on it, but not much. Next week I will try walking in the boot with the crutches. I am just too afraid to push too quickly and end up spending more time recovering. Let's get'er done by taking it slow.

  My shoulder injury that occurred last fall was supposed to be a simple eight weeks of physical therapy. That turned into sixteen weeks, then twenty four weeks.....and then COVID-19 caused the facility to close so I had a home program to follow. I continued that until I had reached my final goal/milestone. All in all it ended up going from October until May. Except, the facility opened up again in June so they called me in. As terrified as I was to leave the house I thought they would see the progress I made and release me. HA. Nope. They started me back up to finish out six more weeks. At this point, however, my foot was already broken so they had to modify a lot of my exercises. Although I enjoyed the challenge, I had to let them know that until I could bear more weight on my foot I just wasn't strong enough to be so active. That length of time has challenged my patience and emotions greatly.

  With my foot slowly moving along, I am becoming more fearful of the actual length of time for healing. Not only do I need to take baby steps to start bearing weight, it will then take six to eight weeks before I can possibly get out of a boot. Once out of the boot I will need special shoes and/or inserts to support my foot. I will also have a lengthy physical therapy/rehab time. I have come to accept that. I believe in about a year I may be where most healthy people are after four to five months. A very healthy person I know had a four year recovery from a sesamoid fracture of the foot. That bone is right near the big toe embedded in tendons. My fractures are of the calcaneus and cuboid, which is the heal bone and the bone that attaches it to the last three toes. Seems to me, I am no expert, but it seems to me they are similarly difficult to heal because of their positioning. That being said, I am just a little overwhelmed with the thought of it all.

  I am an active person. Sick or not, I exercise everyday, multiple times a day. Not just because I have always been an athlete, but when I eat I must get up and move otherwise the food sits like bricks in my belly. Trust me, I would be fine with a morning workout and be done for the day. I prefer to walk around or clean or something similar for the movement after food, but right now I have to find a creative way to move after lunch and dinner to get some movement in. We recently moved into a home that sits on front of a mountain. My husband and son have spent a lot of time hiking and discovering new "Goonie adventure's" as my son calls them. I am so envious. I try to push that down because it is just the reality of the moment holding me back from joining them, but I miss it. FOMO.

  We also live in an incredibly beautiful rural area of NM. There are so many hidden gems and well sought out tourist attractions. All outside and wide open spaces so during this moment in history it is perfect. I have yet to visit my favorite lake that I hear is pretty full right now. I haven't been able to get to that area to hike around either. My parents live in the wilderness, but it has been ages since I have been to their property even though it is a mere twenty five minutes from us. There is a lot of "I wish I could"s going on here. That only makes me feel sad because that is a lot of negative and fearful thinking.

  As this blog typically is, it is helping me iron out my thoughts in a cathartic way allowing me to see what I should be appreciating. I can definitely say I am learning a lot more about my body. Because I have had to get creative with movement and exercise I am probably stronger now than before. Most of what I do is upper body work so my arms and abs are steel right now. There is a lot of total body workouts I can do on a yoga mat without putting pressure on my foot so my legs are still be activated. The movements I am learning from the online program I came across have trained muscles I rarely used before. It is also helping my shoulder because the abs, hips, and butt are the center of your body. Making them strong creates balance helping strengthen your posture muscles. That comes along with shoulder strength so....bonus ;-) My only hope is that once I can incorporate weight bearing exercises I don't lose sight of what I have created now. That is a goal I plan on focusing on as I recover.

  It being the year of shelter in place seems like the best time to be laid up with an injury. My hope is that maintaining my active lifestyle while hurt will help during the rehab phase. Since I will be going to the same facility for physical therapy as I did for my shoulder, maybe they can get knocked out together and I can worry about something else. Isn't that human nature? When all goes well, we still find something we long for. The good thing is, I know that to be true. with that in mind it helps focus your mind and heart on what you do have that is positive.

  Everyday I wake up and work to find something I am proud of and hold it close. When life is so overwhelming, focusing on small victories is the best medicine. Today has not been my favorite day, BUT I have my small victories. I got up before my alarm meaning I had good sleep last night. I woke up in a good mood. I completed my workout, enjoying it the whole time. Man it was tough though. This Caroline Jordan health coach is awesome. It is raining so this high desert is getting some good moisture. I had no control of that, but it is nice. And I was able to get out and deal with an errand or two. Let me just say, rain and crutches are not easy. Believe it or not, writing this blog today is a victory.

  It seems I have so much to chronicle, share, and inform that I often second guess every word. I truly want to help someone out there who may be struggling with similar issues. I want to keep my friends and family up-to-date. When all this first began in my early twenties, I had no where to turn for a road map on how to navigate such a complex web of diseases. I had no one to look to as a role model for keeping your head above water and managing these disease that seem to fight one another.

  I am a professional student. I love to learn and research. I rarely found anything. One thing I found solace in was learning that President John F. Kennedy likely suffered from the same rare disorder I have, APS Type II. A little snippet, they actually had him isolated for a while to give him steroid treatments so when he began to run for president he looked healthy and vital. All the while, even during his presidency, he suffered in pain daily. His back and adrenal glands really took him out. That is a small pinhole picture for you. There is not a whole lot written about it. Anyway, I needed a JFK to look to during those first few difficult years. I want to make it easier for a layman who may be ill or have a family member who is ill to find some real account information. Not just medical jargon, but real world accounts. I hope that this blog reaches someone who truly needs it. I pray that it leads them to better scientific research to gain knowledge. Science talks the talk, I walk the walk. Together we can conquer.

The Battle We Fight Together

   This week has been a bit tough. I tend to stay on the positive side, but I am a multi-layered person. The confusion, unknown, and emotional roller coaster of COVID-19 is overwhelming me more and more as people continue to divide and shame one another. More people are rebelling against recommendations for safety, sometimes using politics as a guise. The truth is, we are all grieving.

   We are grieving the things we were used to having daily. We are grieving the freedom we had. When I say freedom I am not talking politically or liberties; I am talking about freedom from this pandemic. It is the pandemic that has taken away our freedom to run to the store for something trivial. It has taken away jobs and our freedom to quickly find financial resources/assistance. It has taken away the luxury of having fully stocked shelves with an abundance of non-essential items. We miss the salons. We miss the parks. We miss the gatherings. We miss knowing what tomorrow will bring. And everyone grieves differently.

   You hear about the five stages of grief. When we think of grief, we typically think of death. That is not the only source of grief in our lives. Some grief we can overcome, but some is cyclical. The death of a parent never gets easier, it just becomes more distant when the tears run out. The loss of a close friend by moving far away is something we tend to learn to deal with and get past. That often comes by creative ways of staying in touch or finding another outlet. The grief of losing the championship in your favorite sport will fade. Losing so much to illness causes great grief. This grief tends to be cyclical. I can only speak for myself, but after becoming so sick it became a disability I deal with grief daily.

   I had dealt with Hashimoto's disease since I was in 8th grade. I dealt with IC for several years. And I had learned to deal with Type I diabetes fairly well. They all frustrated me and caused grief, but I could cope with it. I was still able to be in school. I was still able to work. I was still able to eat regular food. I was still able to run and swim and play basketball. I was still able to be an over-achiever and proud of it. I thought I was just tired. I thought I was just stretching myself too thin. I brushed it all off thinking it was going to pass. I was wrong.

   When I turned 25 I was living the life I had planned out. I was achieving the goals I had set for myself and finding new ones along the way. I am not good at sitting still. Then the wall came tumbling down the day I went to the doctor to express my exhaustion. Maybe my medication dosage needed to be changed. It had to be something simple. As I was talking to the doctor she stopped me and said, "I thought you were coming in to get disability paperwork filled out. I would normally tell people no on first request, especially without knowing the patient. You, my dear, need to go on disability." I am sure my face twisted.

   I pushed back a little. I have always seen doctors as people of authority. I am not the type to resist authority. So I meekly asked her a million questions trying to understand why. It didn't matter. It had shocked and scared me enough. She said to quit school immediately. I was only a few weeks from my bachelor's so I said surely I could finish out the next few weeks. She said no. She worked in the same clinic building I did. She said I needed to take short term disability from work starting immediately. I know the whole time my face must have expressed shock and confusion. Then she began ordering tests and explaining in more detail her concerns.

   I left her office holding myself together. I think shock was keeping me numb. I reported to my boss. That was my last day of work. I went home and emailed my professors. It was too late to withdrawal so I simply had to ride out the next few weeks with the grades I had already gotten through previous assignments. There were three classes I was not able to complete to obtain my degree. I was devastated. I still believed I would return to work in a few months and maybe finish out school. I just assumed I needed to get stabilized. I had no idea it was going to grow to the spider web it has become.

   Months went on, test continued, and things got illuminated. I was sent to one specialist after another. I was rushed off to the Mayo Clinic. I was forced to go on permanent disability. More diagnoses rolled in, one after another. Then there was the trial and error phases of stabiliaing each condition. Within a few short months I had gone from a full-time working mother in college full-time to staying at home or living in doctors' offices. My diet was changed completely. My nightstand started to get filled with more prescription bottles. My freedom was slowly drifting away. Long gone were the days of spontaneity. Long gone were the days of competitive running. Long gone were the days of eating at a restaurant liberally. Long gone was everything I knew. The rug was ripped out from underneath me with no warning.

  There were days of sadness. There were days of anger. There were days of confusion. There were days that were kind of OK. And there were days with these all combined. I became creative with my food so I wouldn't feel so deprived or separated from the norm. I bought yoga videos and starting taking long walks to replace the sports I was no longer able to enjoy. I surrounded myself with good friends and family that didn't see the sick, they saw Lauren. I prayed. I kept myself going, and still do, knowing that this pain will not be in vain. I will see the beauty of this mess eventually, I thought. No one around me really understood what I was going through and I had no idea how to express it. I also did not know what to do to reclaim myself. How do I find Lauren in this new normal? Will I ever be happy with it? 12 years later I can tell you it gets easier, but it is definitely cyclical.

   It wasn't until I saw a therapist that I realized all these emotions were part of grief. I didn't think grief came from becoming ill. When she explained to me that I was mourning the life I was had, it all made sense. The Lauren that I once knew was gone. I needed to discover a new Lauren to help mourn what was now gone. Then I started analyzing everything. I was a double major in psychology and nursing so it made sense. As it became more clear I became more comfortable with the idea of grief. The thing is, I thought I would overcome it.

   The reality is, everyday there is something new. When you lose a loved one or a tangible item it is final. When you lose freedoms it can be endless. As my diseases progress things get tougher. More limitations are brought on by simply progressing. My two most recent injuries are perfect examples. I know that I have accepted my diseases. They do not define me, they are just simply there. Ok. Got it. What I didn't realize is that I am not accepting the less common complications and progression. Somewhere in my mind I think I assumed because I am so diligent and disciplined none of that would come up. I thought I was above all that. I now see how delusional that was/is. I am now facing some real problems I thought only happened to other people.

  This is much like the current crisis we are in globally and nationally. This illness that we do not understand has snuck in and taken over every aspect of our lives. It is affecting us as a whole yet individually at the same time in different ways. We have lost the freedom to simply run to the corner store for only milk or a soda. We have lost the security of knowing what we need will be at the store. We have lost jobs and opportunities. We have lost in-person contact, hugs, handshakes, etc. We cannot just go to the movies or a sit down restaurant. We have lost faith in our leaders. Yet we have nothing tangible we can fight, but one another. We need something to yell at, point a finger towards, blame. It is just this faceless, invisible, misunderstood virus with no emotions or thoughts or prejudices. Nothing we do will change its nature. We feel hopeless.

   The truth is, there is something to fight. It is not the person wearing the mask. It is not the politician who speaks as if they know this illness like they know the enemies we fight in war. It is not the doctor or scientist explaining their findings to us. And it is not the people who are trying to keep us safe by setting guidelines. What we need to fight is the virus. COVID-19. It has a name. Its face is that of those it has infected. There is power in numbers. No single man has ever fought a war and won on his own. He has a team, a military, a weapon. Our weapon, for the current moment, is simple hygiene and wearing protective gear like masks. Soon our weapon will hopefully be a vaccine and better treatment options. We have to go through this methodically and not rush anything. If there is anything we all know, it is that rushing leads to mistakes/oversights and set backs. 

   I believe. I have hope. I have faith. We will get to the other side of this. I know for sure we will be facing a "new normal". We have to find creative ways to fill the voids we feel in our lives. We have to do it together though. It is a must. We cannot battle one another. We must focus our battle solely on the virus. We are all multi-layered people living in a nuanced world so we are going to be dealing with other issues beside and combined with COVID-19. But we must remember, the fight is with COVID-19, not with one another. I send out love, hugs, and prayers to all. I send out faith.