It is 2021. Some are so excited to see 2020 go. I am but only cautiously. I think trauma is an easy word to describe what we have all been through and continue to feel. Last year at this time none of us saw this coming. I know I didn't. I was in physical therapy for my shoulder injury. I was eagerly awaiting graduating out of PT. Once the coronavirus became more known I remember a fellow patient coming in reporting he had heard it made it to the states. Then, a few days later he reported it hit NM. I remember a feeling deep in my gut, but I pushed the thought of real danger out of my mind. Little did I know a few short weeks later the world would halt.
I rarely set New Year's resolutions and when I do it barely lasts a day. This year I decided it would be different. I did not make a resolution so to speak. When I broke my foot back in May and things did not seem to start healing I made a conscious decision to change. I needed to recalibrate myself. My priorities were all out of whack as far as my self care went. No, I am not talking hygiene, but I am talking overall wellness. I was allowing negativity that surrounded me permeate. I was allowing distorted thinking consume me. I was focused on the wrong things. I decided then that I would take the time while I was healing to readjust. I knew the work would not be finished once my foot healed. Little did I know I would be laid up for 5 months then rehabbing for 12+ weeks. Essentially, I still have work to do regarding both my foot and wellness.
As I went about my healing journey I slowly worked in wellness exercises. One example is sleeping. I get tired fairly easily. I am super energetic by nature so I am like a firework. I light up bright and suddenly fall. I don't mind that about myself. I would rather use the bursts of energy when I have them. I had gotten into a habit of forcing myself to try to keep up with others. In an effort to stay awake in the evenings I would try to eat a snack or extra small meal. It would give me some energy so I could stay awake, but my stomach didn't like it one bit. So, I would wake up in the morning feeling awful. Food hangover. That would put me in a bad mood. That bad mood would trickle into everything else. One day I decided, I am going to go to bed when I am tired. Period. If I need a nap I will slip away. If I feel sleepy at 7 o'clock at night I will go to bed. No guilt. If eating late and getting a lack of sleep was making me feel crappy, why do it? Trying to keep up is not worth feeling awful.
To piggyback on that a bit, let's talk food. Those of you who follow me know I have gastroparesis, severe gastroparesis. I struggle to hang on to weight because I often cannot tolerate what I need to sustain. Working with a dietician a goal we set was to add in small snacks or meals for calories. The hope was that not only could I gain weight, but maybe be able to tolerate more if we start out small. While I tried that for a bit I realized there was no wiggle room. Yes, I can take in more calories, but it makes me feel awful. Imagine eating Thanksgiving sized meals everytime you put something in your mouth. The discomfort, bloating, distention, and the like can become unbearable. And food hangovers are the worst. As a diabetic, it throws off my insulin balance causing me to spike then drop like a roller coaster all day, if not longer. All of that leads to migraines and more exhaustion. I decided I cannot do that anymore. I may gain weight, but at the detriment to my blood sugars and quality of life. My more positive wellness goal is to not limit intake but not push beyond what I can reasonably handle. I am not counting calories by any stretch, but that means I cannot force them either. I am trying to avoid a feeding tube, but what good is that if that is the only thing I am doing. Wellness includes quality of life. That's a balancing act for sure.
Balance is key. We hear that often. Cliché. But it is true. Let's take social media. In a time where we are all stuck at home and often on our computers it is easy to fall into a rabbit hole. I'm guilty. I found myself acting out. I sometimes didn't recognize myself. I was getting angry easy. I was jumping on bandwagons and started listening only to those who thought like me. I have always been someone with an open mind so why was I suddenly digging in my heels? There was no balance. It was all in or all out. I found myself "part of the crowd" as opposed to thinking independently. What was funny about that was I was pointing my finger at those on the other side accusing them of this very thing. Yet, I still get sucked in. It is a working practice.
One day I got into a disagreement with an old friend. After a little back and forth I realized she was not backing anything she was saying with real facts. If I backed my argument she ignored what I was saying. I also realized she had never gone to college nor moved out of the small town where she was raised. This does not make her stupid! It does, however, create a mind that may not be well-rounded. When you are not exposed you do not know what is out there. That can lead to rigid thinking. Then I thought of how strongly she felt. I know I feel strong in my ideals. So why then, was I pushing my thinking on her if I was resisting her pushing her thinking on me? Am I better than her? Do I know more than her? The answer to both those questions is no. I was so self-centered I could not see past my own nose to validate her opposition. The more I scrolled through social media in the following days the more I recognized my increase in stress and anger.
That's when the light-bulb went off. Wellness alert. I needed to back off. I can stay up-to-date with newspapers and other credible sources. I can stay connected to loved ones through social media, but not use it as a tool to keep my fire going. I have always been independent. I do not need others to join me. I do need support, but social media does not qualify. Now remember, I am working on wellness. Quality of life. That does not mean deprivation. I get on social media for a few minutes here and there, but not daily. The second my emotions change, I'm out. For example, a woman was struggling with gastroparesis and I referred her to my blog. That got removed because it was marked as solicitation. I was taken aback because I was not promoting anything. The small comment boxes on social media could not help this woman. She was looking for information on someone else's experience. Me being me, wearing my heart on my sleeve, I got my feelings hurt. I was truly trying to help not promote myself. I make no money here. But, rules are rules. Why scroll through and continue to stew? So, I logged out. I am done for a bit. I got my gossip and funny cat video so there was no need to continue. Balance. And you know what, I do not feel bad anymore.
Another way I am helping myself be better is by standing up for myself. I tend to hide my feelings a lot to pacify those around me. I think I learned this at a young age because we have such a big and diverse family. I never wanted to rock the boat. I am sure social anxiety and being introverted play a role. But there are some things you cannot afford to let go. If someone starts treating me in a way I do not believe I deserve I speak up. It is a work in progress, of course. I am a logical, reasonable person. I can understand outside sources may play a role in someone else's mood, but that does not mean I deserve the backlash or that I need to fix anything. I will take accountability and I am always willing to ask for forgiveness when needed. But I made a firm decision to not let anyone gas-light me, use me as their whipping boy, or take advantage of me. Do not confuse kindness and anxiety ridden with weakness. I am strong, very strong. I am just not gregarious. I have spoken up quite a bit. It scares me, but then I often get a response that is welcome. With this new firmness I am being treated better by those around me and those I come into contact with throughout my days. It feels good to open my mouth and feel powerful. It feels good to say "This is me. Take it or leave it". It is too hard to live up to others expectations....or lack thereof.
And of course there is always my faith. Faith is a huge part of wellness. Christian or not, we all have some sort of faith that feeds our soul. I am Presbyterian. Our church has been holding virtual services for quite some time now. Before the pandemic, I was often too tired or sick to attend services. I have always noticed I move through life better when I am attending church. Some people feed their souls in other ways, but for me church grounds me. It is a weekly reminder of what is good and what should be good. I can always find something in my life in that moment that relates to the teachings and I carry that throughout the week. I read theology based books sometimes. I surround myself with reminders of God's love. In my recalibration phase, I have been attending the virtual services more regularly, setting a timer to remind me to log on every Sunday. I am no more outgoing in church than in life, but I like the community/family feeling. I like the kids and their fun ideas. I like all the different personalities welcoming each others quirks. And of course, I love the teachings and sermons. Feeling fed for the week puts a smile on my face and a warmth in my heart washing away the week's frustrations. I leave knowing that it is ok to be uncertain. Then, there's football to put a bow on top. Adding this part of my life back in on a regular basis helps keep me balanced. I am always happier when I am receiving these regular reminders of the importance of life beyond me. It is a form of therapy for sure. An exercise I will continue for the rest of my life.....but just like everything else, a work in progress for a lifetime.
Since I brought up exercise, as I do in most posts haha I re-centered my fitness as well. I had two bad injuries in one year, both taking far too long to heal. In my recovery with my foot I had to get creative. Exercise helps with blood sugar control and digestion so it is a must on my list for everyone. Needless to say, I had to readjust. Prior to my injuries it was a lot of walking and yoga. The problem with that is bigger than you realize. With no variety I was overworking body parts that are crucial for daily functioning. I was also not doing any strength or resistance training. With a broken foot I did a lot of mat work or chair cardio. Obviously, these work-outs targeting a multitude of muscle groups. Plus, I had a four pound weight of a boot/cast to lug around. My body got stronger in places I didn't realize had been neglected. It made me feel stronger. Once I learned I had osteoporosis I did more research and became even more creative. To protect your bones, you need strength and cushioning. And one last cherry on top, I got an elliptical machine just before I broke my foot so it was all pretty and clean when I needed to start rehab. Now, everyday is different. I make sure I get in resistance, physical therapy, cardio, and flexibility work every week. I usually do 30 minutes to an hour each morning. Not only is it helping my appetite, but it helps keep muscle mass on my body. All the endorphins and dopamine flow in first thing in the morning and just set me up for a strong day. Those good feelings make me feel more positive.
I work on optimism and gratefulness daily. It is also an exercise. No one is born eternally grateful. We grow and learn what to appreciate so it is a daily exercise to keep up with that growth. For my nightly prayers I avoid the struggles. Those prayers for help come throughout the day as things come up. At night I lay down and say a prayer of thanks for all that I do have. I pray for the people around me who are in need. But I always circle back to what I am so blessed to have in my life: my husband, our home, our son, his educational opportunities, our dog, my abundance of clothing, our abundance of food, my husband's job and reliable paycheck, our two working vehicles, our little luxuries like cable TV and cell phones, the health I do have that allows me to continue the good fight against my failing health, my ability to still exercise.....the list goes on. We are not rich. My husband works hard but his pay is much like many others in this nation and it does not fit the job he does...but he does have a job and gets paid so I chose to be grateful. In a time when there are so many unknowns and struggles I realize that even our broke family is truly blessed with real luxuries. The truth is my family is suffering as well, but I truly feel that our blessings are overwhelming.
We have lost so much in 2020. I have been a literal shut-in since March. The COVID-19 pandemic has kept us all in, but my immune system would not be able to handle what is out there. I am extremely high risk with Lupus meds that lower your immune response, brittle Type I diabetes, gastroparesis causing malnourishment, multiple digestive issues including lack of acid and mucus membranes throughout, pancreatic insufficiency, epilepsy, very premature osteoporosis, Hashimoto's, IC, and we know the list goes on. My immune system would rather attack my body than any virus or bacteria out there. We are all grateful a vaccine is finally out, but the truth is I may not be able to get it. The science is not thorough enough to tell. Hopefully by June or July 2021 the experts will have better knowledge about how the vaccine works in certain populations. Until then, it is a waiting game. It is stressful and scary. I worry constantly.
My worries don't end with my health. They go on to what the world will look like in 6 months or a year from now. It reminds me of when things really snowballed for me about 12 years ago and my whole world was ripped out from underneath me. Never in a million years would I ever imagine having to file for disability benefits or be seen at the Mayo Clinic or by Johns-Hopkins. Never did I think I would be forced to stop running and racing. Never did I think I would not be able to go to school. I am a constant learner. Weird, yes, but I love school. All of that happened. I lost everything I knew. March 2020 came and it hit all over again. I know we will never be the same. I am not good with change on a regular basis let alone changing my world. I also know that many have not been through what I have gone through so this immediate change is devastating. It is not just COVID-19 but it is the shut-down(s) and financial struggles also. I worry about how people are handling it all. I have had long talks with my husband about the resiliency of others. I have the kind of heart that aches when I know anyone is hurting. Goodness, I even felt compassion for the family of a man that killed my cousin. I knew that man's family would be in pain due to his actions. It broke my heart to think of how his mother must have felt. So knowing so many people are in pain right now drives me crazy. That's the key thing. It drives me crazy so I have to move past that. I have to move towards the more positive. I have to work on my wellness or I will go crazy. Who wants that?
This year is the year of rebirth, reconstruction, rejuvenation. This year is my year of wellness. I have these goals and areas of my life I would like to better. I know that I will slip and stumble along the way. There is no way to build better wellness without a few bumps along the way. I have to fall. I have to make mistakes. I have to get to know myself better. I have to truly love myself. That is the only way complete wellness can be achieved. I hope that by the end of this year my practice has given me the strength, will, know-how, and fortitude to continue my wellness growth. Focusing on the outside is useless. Everything gets distorted. Focusing on the inside will help me know myself better so I can be better.
