Well, it is officially December. 2020. This means it is a holiday season wrapped in pandemic struggles. I just think it is important for all of us to refocus our energy. We are all struggling, some more than others. Whether it be financial, emotional, physical, etc. it is causing us all pain. We are smack dab in the middle of the craziest (and probably most historical) election of all time. Everyone is divided on a number of issues causing a lot of relationships strain. We are all used to getting together with family for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and other holiday gatherings. This year that is not a safe decision. So what do we do when we feel helpless, hopeless, and lonely?
First, start by taking away the labels. Yes, celebrate! Decorate, cook, buy gifts (online or by phone), donate. Whatever it is that brings you joy, do it. The difference is, it is not a safe choice to gather. One thing I told my mom years ago when she found out we would not be together on Christmas Day was, "The name of the day means nothing. We can get together and celebrate anytime." We ended up having Christmas at their house a few days early so we could be with the other grandparents on Christmas Day. We have approached all holidays this way. Now, I understand it is more difficult than just moving the celebration plus or minus a day this year. But why not enjoy the holiday remotely. Then, in a few months (have faith) you can gather in person for Christmas in July or something of the like. The label on the day does not make it law that it is the only day to celebrate that occasion. And why wouldn't it be fun to celebrate more than once, remotely then in person? I'd take any extra joy this year...or in 2021.
Second, think of the dangers. In my health battles I have come to hear and use the phrase "Risk vs. benefits". Is it safe to get together right now? No. Yes, we can take COVID tests prior to gathering. That then requires quarantining. Self isolation still leaves you with minimal exposure. I, personally, would never forgive myself if I inadvertently got one of my relatives sick. It would be even worse if they lost their lives due to getting together for one holiday meal or party. It is tough not seeing one another during this time, but it would be devastating to never see one another again. Wearing a mask is easier than a ventilator. Washing your hands is easier than having long term damage from this insane virus. Being apart for some time is so much better than being apart forever due to someone's death. Believe me, I understand the natural yearning to be together, especially during the holidays. For some, this is the only time they see their family. For others, the grief and trauma from the past year leaves you needing a big hug from the one who always makes you feel safe. It is so hard to resist the urge. But stay positive and remember this too shall pass and we can be together soon.
Third, think of the good things you do have right now. For starters, you have life. That is a special gift we receive everyday. Obviously you have sight because you are reading this right now. So add to the list, literacy. You must have a computer or smart phone to be able to access the internet. And those are just the obvious from a person who is typing and does not know your whole story. But what else? There must be a few things. My life with multiple chronic illnesses is wreaked with loss. Everyday I am grieving the person I once knew as myself. Everyday I am grieving something new I may have lost. For example, my diet is constantly becoming more and more restrictive. This leads to weight loss, energy loss, lack of nutrition which causes other complications, and the general ability to have freedom with food options. So lately, I am grieving my sight. It is becoming more and more difficult to see. This has been going on for some time now so I should be accepting of the idea yet because it is slowly getting worse, I am slowly grieving each loss; color, detail, distance, depth perception, peripheral vision. I love sports. Try following a football on TV being thrown 30 yards. It saddens me. But the good thing is, I still have sight. Let's take clothes for another example. I am struggling with clothes because my belly is not happy having anything touch it. I am self conscious because I don't get to wear "pretty", "womanly" clothing. But flip that to the positive side and I see at least I have clothes. I also have a good reason to dress comfortably everyday. It is a good excuse for sweats and t-shirts. So, what things do you have that are special? Hold those close to your heart.
Finally I have two things to point out. Recognize why you are celebrating. It should be focused on the holiday. What is the meaning behind it? All the family gatherings and parties are just a bonus. But what is the true meaning? Focus in on that. Diverting your thoughts to focus in on one intention does wonders for the human psyche. It can help quiet all the noise of those reeling thoughts that may be overwhelming you. Also, find some way you can help others. We do not have to be face to face to help one another. It can be a sweet card left at a neighbors' door or donating even $0.50 to a small business or non-profit organization. Donate food to your local food bank. If you can offer to help the food banks package or serve the needy. Send anonymous cards or small gifts to friends, family, nursing homes, where ever. Doing things for others helps take your mind off of your own struggles. It can open your eyes to the gifts you have. It will make you feel good to put a smile on someone else's face. You know, smiles are contagious. You will also be, most likely, working with someone else (socially distanced I hope), and the interaction will be uplifting. I spent every Wednesday at a homeless shelter serving food just after I got my gastric stimulator because I was so traumatized and overwhelmed that I needed an escape. I needed my thoughts to be on anything but my failing health. And you know what? It worked. It may have exhausted me thereafter each time, but the few hours I was there it was like I was my old self again, cleaning tables, serving, cooking, full of energy. Seeing the children was the most heart-breaking and heart warming. Their smiles are burned in my mind. They would be so happy and grateful for something as tiny as a Hot Wheels car or an extra candy cane for dessert. It really put things into perspective for me.
I know some of these things sound cliché. And they are. But when you manipulate them to fit your current life and your talents or expertise they really can make a difference. I haven't learned a new language or learned how to cook fancy things. I haven't found a new craft or found a great new business idea. I am not rising above daily. I am not flourishing while others dwindle. I may sound self-righteous or all knowing, but I guarantee you I am not. These are things I tell myself daily to make myself feel better. I have to actively work on these things to keep it all at the forefront of my mind. I am still really struggling with depression and anxiety right now. It is a low swing for me. I just know that if I do not actively try to refocus then I will spiral and that is not what I desire whatsoever.
My son knows my struggles, but I want to show him you can trudge through the mud to get to the beauty. I want him to see that even adults struggle and that makes us human. But the struggle is making you stronger. To make a sports reference, when you are working your muscles hard they begin to shake. That shake is the struggle. But that shake is also a sign that the muscle is getting stronger. The next time you attempt that activity (after some rest) you will be a little bit better at it. As time goes on, when your body does that activity it becomes easier and easier. Same thing goes for emotional struggles. The struggle is actively working on these positive steps. The shakiness is that struggle. Once you come out the other side, you are stronger and ready to face that struggle next time. (Challenge: Do 10 push-ups everyday for 5 days. Take a rest day. Then do 20 for 5 days. Take a rest day. As you move along, within a month you can do 50 strong push-ups. You'll look back on that strength progression and be proud.)
My point is, this is not all bad. Pandemic and insane election/politics is definitely a recipe for destruction. With destruction comes reconstruction. Look for the silver lining. There is always a silver lining. My health has proven to me time and time again that there is good in everything. I know way more about nutrition than I ever thought I would. That helps me keep my whole family healthier. I am a master at ratio: proportion math in my head due to medication dosing. I can plan like nobody's business. Packing food and medications and medical devices for any outing makes you really good at being efficient yet effective. My mental health leads me on journeys for new coping skills all the time. Breaking my foot caused me to learn new exercises which lead me to improve strength in parts of my body I really needed. It also opened my eyes to new things I would enjoy doing to stay active. I lost my dad when I was very young. But he loved me and taught me so much in the few years we had together. His energy/soul is always with me because he was a fighter. He lived his life to the fullest, often with no regret. With my tightly wound personality, that spirit is much needed at times. In that loss I gained another dad. One that loves me just as much. He did not replace my dad, I just got lucky enough to have two. Bonus, he came with a whole new family, including siblings, that loves me just the same. I could go on and on about my personal struggles and what silver linings I found, but I will not bore you with more of me. There are rainbows everywhere.
What I want you to know is that I see you. I hear you. You matter to this world. There is a reason you are here. Do not dwell too long on the pain. Pain is not forever. I promise. I am no higher power. I am no expert. I am nothing special. But I am a woman on a mission to educate, enlighten, and encourage anyone I can because it is important you know you are not alone. I have felt alone many times in my life and it would send me looking for guidance or a road map. I often never found one. That hurt more than anything. You don't have to listen to me. You don't have to like me. But I don't care. I want to help make your life better. I want to help make this world a better world for those to come. You can do hard things. You made it this far. Please, keep moving one baby step at a time. And please think of your fellow man. Be thoughtful and careful. Be kind and generous. Call it karma, call it whatever you want, but your efforts will come back around to you. I know it.
