(insert name)'s awful, terrible, no good, very bad (insert time frame)

   We are all familiar with the children's book where the main character Max has one of those days where nothing seems to go right. At this moment in our lives many of us are going through this, but in a Groundhog Day fashion. All of our normal habits and rituals are all skewed. Humans, like most animals, are creatures of habit so this has been a big challenge. Understandably so! As the world changes and evolves animals usually follow suit. The thing is, this evolution happens over time allowing animals to adapt. The year 2020 tuned into a warp speed version of this...yet we humans are not able to adapt at warp speed. This is leading most of us to feel imbalanced. There is always positive in change. But try spinning around and around then focus on something you love. That positive thing you love is blurred for a few seconds. 2020 has spun our heads so fast it is difficult to stay upbeat all the time.

  Our household has been no different. There is so much good surrounding us. We are lucky in that my husband has a job that is essential so he has maintained his job. He is a pharmacy technician. He has health insurance and paid sick leave if needed. Because of this and the help of family our cupboards have stayed stocked. We have clothes on our backs and shoes on our feet. We obviously have access to the internet as I write this blog. We have two working vehicles. We have a home we are not at risk of losing. We have three church communities to rely on, one of which is my son's school. He attends a private Christian school we are able to pay for through tuition assistance. And to top it off, his school is prepared and ready for the new school year. How blessed can we be?

  Just like everyone else, we have all been sent into a whirlwind. Most days are good. We have found a new normal(ish). Since I am high risk I am really not able to get out much. COVID-19 is not a fight I want to be a participant in. My son stays home with me most of the time. Although he is 14, his autism keeps his maturity level a little low so he still needs more attention. My husband works at a grocery store pharmacy so he picks up groceries. What he cannot get there my parents get through an app that allows curbside pickup. We don't always get our preferred brands of stuff or all items we need. Nonetheless, we are still well taken care of. But in all reality it is driving me bonkers!

  I am a typical Type A personality, an introvert, and very independent. For decades I have been running my own errands, getting my own groceries, cleaning my own house, and so on. COVID has brought most of that to a halt. My acrobatics that broke two bones in my foot on Mother's Day made sure to top that list off. If I were the one going to the store and not being able to get a certain product it would be irritating but ok. When someone else can't find something I feel like if I had just gone I would've found it. Intellectually I know that is most likely not the case, but my controlling ways tells me it is. In comes the balancing act of making sure my frustration and anger are directed at the situation NOT the other person. I am not always good at that, but I am good at correcting myself when I realize I overreacted. So, where do those negative feelings go? 

  In view of the fact that I am an introvert, I struggle to really open up. I might share some surface stuff, but the real issues stay locked inside in a vault. Blogging helps give me an outlet. It is similar to journaling, yet the world can view it. It seems counter-intuitive. The thing is, I have a goal in mind. I am journaling outwardly to help people who are like me. When I was struggling so bad in my twenties with unrecognizable diseases and emotions I had no one to look to so I could tell myself "see, they got through it". That's what I am doing. I intend to compile this all into a book, but in the meantime the mission of my writings needs to be available to whomever needs it right now. So, it acts as a multi-tool. It is an outlet for me and a window for others.

  I think it is important to talk about mental health. It has always been an important issue that is getting more and more attention in the past several years. Like most things in 2020, it has hit warp speed and we all need to recognize it. I personally struggle with social and generalized anxiety, PTSD, and depression. That is really the first time I have openly admitted that in full. The thing is, it is real. Just like I take insulin and exercise to help control diabetes, I need to take steps to control my mental health as well. This year has really tested me....and continues. My best coping skill is putting things into perspective. "Where do I fit in all of this?"

  I cannot take anti-depressants. I have tried and tried, but the side effects are not worth it to me. Even on small doses I feel numb. I don't want to feel numb. It takes the joy out of life. I do have some medication for situational or acute anxiety, but I avoid those as much as possible because addiction happens quickly. Another fight I am not willing to partake in. A scientific note, most "feel good" hormones come from your gut. You would think they are in your brain exclusively. Not the case. Could my aversion to anti-depressants be due to my gut not working properly? Good possibility. But medication is not always the answer. Validation and acknowledgement is where it starts. Eliminating the stigma and accepting someone fully. Perfection is a word, not reality.

  I ran into someone yesterday who bravely disclosed to me that he had been suicidal for 12 years. The thing that pulled him out of it was the word of God and he returns to that more and more now as the pressure is on. The word of God is not for everyone, just like medication. I have known others who simply started exercising more consistently and it pulled them out of a hole. Exercise induces endorphines which your brain loovves! I also know several family members who rely on talk therapy. All of these avenues are being used at remarkable rates during the pandemic. I ask where I fit into all of this and the answer is right here. 

  I have no answer to solving the world's problems. I have no magic trick to calm everyone's psyche. What I do have to offer is an open door. I can empathize with those struggling. I can tell you, the struggle is real. The positive in all of this is that we do still have choices. We feel stuck or paralyzed, but we're not. We are all like snowflakes. No two are alike. What works for one of us will not work for all of us. But you do have to try. I am a layman. I can only speak from my own experiences. I have highlighted some good tools that can be used when nothing else works; medication, therapy, exercise, a higher power. None of this works without coping skills, though.

  I could write for days on this topic. So, to wrap it up I just want to say, be self-compassionate. Do not beat yourself up. We are all struggling. Find a creative outlet to grasp onto. Try adult coloring, learn a new skill, craft, DIY, write poems or songs, journal, watch or read the funny things, get dressed up, you do you. Keep yourself informed, but do not watch or read every news brief that comes out. Take a beat when you are in a tough situation. Try to name your emotion whether it be frustration, anger, sadness, panic, etc. What got you there? This way you can direct that emotion in the right place and calm it. I cannot direct my negative emotions at the pandemic because it is not tangible, but I can let those around me know what I am upset about. This prevents them from internalizing my negativity. I am not always mad at my husband, but he is there which makes him an easy target. When I tell him I am upset at the situation, he knows I am not taking things out on him. This is not easy. Practice makes progress. Remember, perfection is just a useless word.

  When you have an awful, terrible, no good, very bad day just stop. All it takes is three seconds to shift your processing. If you take those three seconds, maybe make it 30, you can find something good to focus on. When you focus on the good, the good gets better. I told my son today "It is like looking at a beautiful tree with a broken branch. Don't focus on the broken branch, acknowledge it. But focus on the beautiful tree." It is much easier to say than to do, especially when the negative you are facing is something as terrible as losing your home. In those tough situations acknowledge it is hard and emotionally unbearable, but what good do you have at that moment you can focus on. Maybe it is just a simple "hello" from someone walking by. As tiny as that seems, it is good. A building is built from bricks or wood, not as a whole but in small pieces put together in such a way it provides shelter. Continue to collect the bricks of the good you see around you so you can provide shelter from the struggles you need to overcome. I don't care who you are, you are a champion in your own right. Dig deep. If you need to, comment on this post and I can reach out to you personally and privately. Again, I am no professional, but I have two ears for listening, two eyes for reading, two arms for hugging (when that's allowed again), and tons of empathy and compassion. 

   

Osteoporosis Won't Break Me

  Osteoporosis. That is an interesting word to hear at 37 years old. That's what I got. I had to do a bone density scan last week. Not just because my broken foot is taking its sweet time to heal, but I am also very thin, malnourished, and I have ovarian failure. Yup. You read that right too. Ovarian failure. These are two things someone in their thirties rarely has to think about. This is now what I face. Although a little frightening, I see this challenge as a learning opportunity. It isn't a great deal of fun for a man to read about ovaries so I will keep that short and simple.

  For years I have had irregular periods. For a few years I was treated for ovarian cysts and that worked out great. When we moved from a metropolitan area in Texas to a rural area of New Mexico I kind of brushed it off not wanting to find an OB-GYN because, let's face it, who does? After 2 years and a serious lack of periods I finally broke down. I would love not to have one, but I am smart enough to know it is not good to not have them. There is not a chance of pregnancy. I had my tubes tied back in 2011 due to my fragile health. I found an OB-GYN. After a detailed exam and discussion she knew things might be more complicated. She ran some blood work and called back a few weeks later to notify me that I have ovarian failure. What's that?

  Well, I had been warned since my early thirties that many auto-immune diseases cause early menopause. My assumption was that may be what is causing me to be irregular. I have never heard of ovarian failure.  The Mayo Clinic refers to it as ovarian insufficiency. That word again, "insufficiency". Seems to be one of my running themes. Basically, my ovaries are not producing enough estrogen and/or eggs. This is not normal for women under 40. It is different from menopause in that women with ovarian failure or insufficiency can have periods on and off and possibly even get pregnant during this time (not me). Women who have premature menopause  stop having periods completely. Glad we got that sorted out. So the next question is what do we do about that?

  The doctor talked about hormone therapy and a few other things. All of which I listened to but barely understood. This is not in my wheel house and I have never even researched them. I am such an information junkie, I am usually ahead of the curve. She then explained she wanted to consult with an endocrinologist (specializes in hormone and hormone glands) as well as my primary care physician to go over options for any possible treatment. Her concern, of course, was starting something that may be dangerous considering my complex medical history. She heard I broke some bones in my foot so she decided to have a bone density scan done.

  I had to go to the local hospital. All diagnostic imaging is done there in our small town. That is a scary experience during COVID and I have been there several times since I broke my foot for different scans. A side note to this is the woman who checked me in was not wearing a mask. It is state mandated and it is a hospital. That made me uncomfortable. The scan took hardly any time. She did have to take my official height. I am proud to say I am officially 5'3". I am the tall one in my family haha Due to the pandemic, results get to the doctors faster. Radiologists are not having to do as much since healthcare is focused on necessity right now. The very next day the OB-GYN called to let me know I have osteoporosis.

  Now that was not what I was expecting. I am pretty good at being prepared for a new diagnosis. My gut instincts are good at knowing even before I consciously know myself.  Not this time. Because it is not something that was on my radar and no one in my family has really talked about it, I honestly had no concrete idea on what the different bone diseases/disorders meant. She explained and I listened, but I can't relay what she said. I don't think it registered at the time. Again, she wanted to consult with my endo and primary care doctor before starting any treatment, but some treatment is needed. I do take a calcium supplement and vitamin D because I do not absorb them naturally. She believes some hormone treatment may be necessary at this point.

  Osteoporosis literally means porous bone. Bones do have a blood supply. They also have two very important cells called osteoblasts and osteoclasts. The osteoblasts break bones down. Osteoclasts rebuild. Diabetics already produce more osteoblasts than osteoclasts which is why it takes longer for our bones to heal along with poor circulation. In osteoporosis there are also more osteoblasts than osteoclasts causing the body to lose more bone than it can reproduce. This makes the bones porous and brittle. Sometimes something as little as a sneeze or minor bump can cause a bone to break. The main concerns are the spine, hips, and wrists. I have read that even just sitting there a vertebrae may crumble. How do you protect yourself when you are a 37 year old mother?

  Strength training, impact exercises, and nutrition. So, we know I can only do so much nutrition wise. I eat as healthy as I can within my limitations. My body does not absorb all nutrients. I take supplements to help, but it is not a fix all. I am limited in protein intake due to my gastroparesis. Most of us know, protein is crucial for repair and development of the body. That one gets me. I have always exercised. In the past ten years it has really only consisted of long walks and yoga. Since my broken foot I have had to become more creative. I do a lot of floor or chair work which really strengthens your arms, abs, butt, hips, and back. Little did I know, that strength training is exactly what is necessary for osteoporosis. Score one for Lauren. The impact exercises will come in due time. They are things like walking, running, and jumping. But at least I know. Now, I can be sure to do a variety of exercises even beyond my foot injury. 

  I have mentioned this before, but I found some great content on YouTube for "hurt foot" workouts. Donovan Green (Dr. Oz's trainer) and Caroline Jordan are my two favorites. They make chair cardio videos. Caroline also makes floor barre and total body non-weight bearing workouts. I have come to really enjoy them. I used to be a long distance runner and basketball player. These workouts get me to that level of intensity. Who would've thought? Walking and yoga are peaceful, but nothing beats a runners' high. I am strengthening muscles I didn't know I had yet are so crucial to preventing injury. They have even gotten my shoulder feeling great. I had a labral tear last August and have struggled through physical therapy and more to rehab. These exercises really strengthen your posture muscles in turn strengthening your shoulders. I highly suggest you try it before you knock it, especially during this pandemic. It will reduce anxiety, help you strengthen, possibly lose weight (if needed), and as my son puts it, "It's somethin' to do". I recruited him for my evening routines. It has changed my life for the better.

  That is what is so cool. We all say, "there is always a rainbow at the end of a storm" or "the sun will come out tomorrow" yet it is difficult to really internalize. We also know there is power in positive thinking. Well, the shoulder injury and then the foot injury seemed horrible, but have now proven to actually be a blessing. They have made me really slow down. I tend to push myself beyond my limits then pay for it. These injuries have reset my mind reminding me to not push so hard. They also brought me to new exercises. I learned I really enjoy things I normally passed up. That has made me rethink trying other new things in other aspects of my life, These two trainers are incredible at educating while not judging. They are motivational. I have learned to be compassionate with myself. I am constantly reminded to be grateful for how incredible the human body is. It is one of the rare things that can heal and get stronger. I am better at pushing away negativity. I am better at focusing on my health. That helps all else fall in to place. 

  As I sit here with my foot propped up and no end in sight, I do feel thankful. I am excited for the day I can walk again because that just means I can add more to my arsenal. I will never get bored with the variety of exercises I can do. I may not be competing anymore, but I think I am stronger than when I was. I talk about exercise so much because I love it. Movement is medicine. Having a bad day> Exercise and get endorphines. Feeling tired? Exercise and get endorphines. Bored? Don't eat. Get up and move. The endorphine rush is real. The best natural remedy on earth. As long as you are doing it right and for the right reasons, there are only good side effects. Even as sick as I am, I think I was born with far too much energy and I have to get it out some way. 

So, welcome osteoporosis and ovarian failure. I am here to fight and win.