Guilt

I think today it is important for me to discuss an issue that is often overlooked.  Guilt is a natural emotion for human beings.  It is there to keep us on track, and insure that we make the right choices.  It can also be a terrible burden.  Especially for those with chronic illnesses, and I imagine it may be worse for parents with chronic illnesses. 

It is no surprise that the first question in any persons mind when they get a diagnosis is, "Why?"  A natural human instinct to sooth ourselves is to try to piece it all together in such a way that it makes sense to our minds.  The reality is, however, sometimes there is no rhyme or reason.  This, I believe, is where the problem lies.  In trying to figure out the "why" behind it all, we end up using ourselves as scapegoats when no other logical explanation can be found.

I have recently been overwhelmed with this emotion of guilt.  It is not my friend!  No matter what the science behind it all says, I still feel that in some way I could have prevented these diseases I have been dealt.  Then, to take it a step further, when I give myself some slack and say, "you did everything you could...", the guilty voice comes in and says, "yeah, but you could be handling this situation better..."  I realize the irrationality of it all, but these are emotions.  You cannot control your emotions.

In the past week or so, I have found myself allowing the guilty voice to get the better of me.  My son wakes up in the middle of the night pretty consistently.  He is nearly 6 years old at this point and has slept through the night since he was a year old.  The struggle with this new pattern has been so mind boggling.  On his way to school today, walking with his dad as he always does, the truth comes out.  He cannot sleep because he is worried about me.  How do you react to that?

My husband and I try our best to be age appropriately honest with him about my situation.  It would be terrible for a kid at school to tell him something or for him to see something on TV that suddenly clicks when we haven't been upfront with him about the seriousness of the matter.  We reassure him that we are working together everyday to make Momma better.  The doctors are really smart and they have all the tools to make sure Momma will be around for a very long time.  We tell him he has nothing to worry about.  We also get him involved by explaining to him that his most important job is school.  He needs to work really hard in school.  That is his job.  Everybody has a job, and when we all do our job, we can make it through anything.  Unfortunately he is not my only source of guilt.

I look at my husband and the tired in his eyes.  He did not walk into this marriage knowing he was going to have such a huge responsibility.  He came into this marriage with an educated, full time working mom who ran 30 plus miles a week and always kept the house tidy.  He came into this marriage with an active partner.  He now has a whole different life.  I thank God everyday that he is here by my side.  He is an amazing man that deserves great honor and credit for all that he does.  I just cannot fight the feeling that he would be better off if I hadn't brought this burden on him. 

Then we move on to outside influences that effect guilt.  Friends, gatherings, church, etc.  Sometimes I have pushed so hard throughout the week to get up every morning and be the mom I need to be.  School, home, homework, soccer, and not to mention the unexpected's we all deal with on a daily basis.  By the time the weekend comes, along with the weekend chores, I am worn out.  I barely have the energy to get done the necessities.  And yet, I allow the guilt to push me further.  Feeling like I need to make an appearance here or there.  I need to be here for this person or I cannot miss another event so and so invited me to.  The cycle is non stop.

I am here to say, it must stop now.  I could not control what happened.  I take all the steps every doctor suggests and follow their professional opinions as far as they'll take me.  I do my absolute best for my family, friends, and myself.  Can I allow myself to feel guilty for unattainable goals?  No, absolutely not.  And you shouldn't either.  Chronic illnesses effect your life for the rest of your life.  That in itself is burden enough to carry on your shoulders everyday.  Do your part.  Do your best.  Love fully and live in the present.  Listen to your body and heed its warnings.  We all need a little break sometime.  I am deciding that today I give myself that break.

The people in my life that matter will understand and still be there no matter what, as I would for them.  The people who drop like flies, may only have been pests to begin with.  Let's celebrate our blessings and forgive ourselves a little more often.  Life is good, and so are you.