Chance Meetings

Yesterday I went to my son's soccer game.  I have to say that watching kids as young as 3 years old try to figure out and play the game of soccer, in itself, is a joy.  He has been playing since he was 5 and he is about to turn 7.  At this age they still do not have a full field or team.  The coaches are allowed on the field to guide and direct the players.  It is total chaos with plenty of smiles, laughs, trips, and spills.  Best way to spend an hour of your life, in my opinion.  The kids joy is contagious.

Building on that, I volunteer to help out during lunch at his school once to twice a week.  It's almost like an addiction.  I used to volunteer in his head start classes as well.  I could never be a teacher.  I have so much respect for those who take responsibility for our kids for 6 to 7 hours a day.  They put in so much work, it is remarkable.  Volunteering, however, is at my own will, and I am not held "accountable" for much so the stress aspect is removed.  I get to just fully enjoy the innocence and joy of children.  Even in their little arguments or temper tantrums, you can feel their emotions.  It really keeps you grounded, and can help remind you what is really worth focusing on in life.

Although, I am supposed to keep my life as "easy" as possible, we all need something to look forward to everyday.  I look forward to sharing joys and trials with my son. 

Last night, at the soccer game, my mother in law said hello to the woman who sat down right next to me.  They seemed as if they knew each other.  My mother in law is much more outgoing and vocal than I am, so I brushed it off as her being extra friendly.  Within a few minutes, they started up a conversation.  It turns out, they knew each other because they worked together at an elementary school a few years back.  My mother in law had been there 30 plus years until last May when she retired.  This woman I had never seen so I assumed it was a short term working relationship they had.  I was right.

As the conversation went on, they got to the topic of "What are you up to now?"  My mother in law talked about her retirement and the freedom she enjoys these days.  The other woman said "my lupus began to flare up so my husband suggested I just stay at home to take care of myself.  I work a few days now at the college, but....."  That's when my mother in law gave me the look.

She and I had just been discussing the frustrations of all the medicines, appointments, tests, and maintenance I go through with all these diseases.  While waiting for these most recent neurology episodes to be figured out, it seems to make things more difficult.  I am one big, giant Jenga game on top of a high wire.  I am one symptom or one medication away from the whole thing toppling over.  I have to be so careful as to what I chose to do and what treatments I decide to use because one inevitably affects another.  I was telling her that sometimes I think that modern medicine is a cop out and we should let natural selection do its job.  BUT I want to be here for my son and I truly see the treatments as a gift.....I'm just tired of the mary-go-round.

I do not, especially with strangers (face to face), openly discuss my illnesses unless directly asked or it is a necessity.  My mother in law's look was her nudging me to speak to this woman.  I opened my mouth, "Is it just too tiring to work with your lupus?"

That began our conversation.  Turns out she was having very similar neurological problems that preceded her leaving her job.  She is old enough to be my mother because she was there watching her grandson who is on my son's team.  She talked about the years of mystery she went through with doctors not knowing what was wrong with her.  It wasn't until after her 3rd child, I believe to be about 25-30 right now, did doctors finally diagnosed her with lupus.  As the conversation went on, I realized what a mirror I was looking into.  It was almost refreshing....if nothing else, validating.

I explained to her that I have never actually met another person with lupus.  I have seen them on TV, read about them online or in magazines, heard my doctors stories of other patients, but NEVER have I met anyone with lupus before.  She was very friendly and kind.  She told me I would be in her prayers.  I was so intrigued by every word she said, yet it was this casual conversation during our kid's/ grand kid's soccer game.

I came home and told my husband all about it.  I felt so good knowing that the symptoms I have are not a mystery.  They are a mystery to us, but this other lupus patient has them and is being treated so there is hope.  I am not crazy or a hypochondriac because she talked to me and told me these things first hand before I even let on that these symptoms were bothering me.  It is a feeling I cannot describe.  A feeling of, "I knew I wasn't alone, but now I am really not alone.....not even in this town.  There is someone else who understands from the inside."  That was enough for me to walk away with some peace. 

My husband and I got into the deep talking.  I told him it was almost bittersweet meeting her.  I am glad to feel validated.  I am glad to not feel like such an outcast.  I am glad to see this woman being able to go see her grandchildren play soccer.  She got to watch her 3 children grow up to adulthood, get married, and have kids.  That's something I thought was impossible for myself.  Then, to know she has had similar symptoms and problems that have been determined and treated gives me hope.

The flip side to this all is the look in her face.  She was just as tired, frustrated, and depleted as I.  She and I were the only two wearing hoodies and shivering.  It was an evening game in New Mexico fall so even though the temperature was 65-70 degrees, the breeze was cold.  Lupus patients, especially on treatment, are very cold intolerant.  I'll spare the science behind it, but it has something to do with vasoconstriction.  She also talked about her "wasted degrees" because she can not work due to her illness.  "All the wasted time and effort and knowledge" she said.  (My husband has always told me "knowledge is priceless, a degree is never wasted") She even spoke of the misunderstanding from the outside world.  We look like normal people on the outside so we are often judged when a flare up occurs.  I could tell her emotions were so very similar to my own on the inside even though neither of us went there when talking to one another.

That fear of this constant struggle.  It haunts me.  It used to haunt me before I had any diagnoses, wondering if I would ever feel like myself again or get some relief.  Now, I have plenty of diagnoses combined with some stability in many areas, yet I still feel physically bad more days than not (4-5 out of 7 days in a week).  That look in her eye and that unspoken understanding of how hard it all is, broke my heart.  I told my husband, "I would love to see our son grow up and live to see his children grow, but I cannot imagine another 40 years of this day in and day out."

That is something I will need to mull over the next few days.  I will see her often throughout the season so maybe she will be somewhat of a role model.  Her grown kids seem very happy and love her dearly, so she did something right.  Plus, the family is so close knit.  All things to strive for in my future.  It is so hard to compartmentalize the negative aspects out of all that good.

As I laid in bed last night thinking about the days events I told myself I needed to blog about this chance meeting I had because it was so impactful.  I sat down at my computer to get this novel of a blog (as they all are) out, and I had an epiphany- there have been more chance meetings I was not so astute about.  The woman who works in the cafeteria at my son's school had a daughter with Type I Diabetes.  Unfortunately, the daughter has since passed away.  I believe she would be in her early 40s by now.  October is particularly hard for the mother because her daughter passed on Halloween.  Nonetheless, yesterday she had us decorating up a storm in the cafeteria for the kids to enjoy this month.

School has been in session for about 6 weeks and I have been volunteering for at least a month now.  Throughout this month we have shared small talk that gradually leads into personal short stories.  She has shared with me several stories of her daughter.  Mostly good.  All the little quirks she had and the funny things she would say or do.  She also talks about the dog she inherited from her daughter.  This lunch lady has seen so much trouble in her life, and yet every time I show up, there she is with a smile on her face and a friendly greeting. 

In the short month or so I have been working with her and getting to know her she has taught me so much.  I also enjoy the fact that she is not judgemental or insensitive to me about any of the limitations I have or special requirements that may be necessary. 

I look at this now as a way God is walking me through this, if not carrying me.  I may not always take notice, but he is sending down subtle signs here, there, and everywhere that, no-matter-what, we are all going to be OK.  That, in its own right, gives me peace and puts a smile on my face.  I feel horrible today, but I feel taken care of and watched over as well.  That makes the pain a little easier to take.

I do have to note my son goes to a Catholic school so every Thursday morning they have mass as well as complete their catechism requirements during school hours.  The other day he came home from school and told me he was so happy to learn that I will not be sick in heaven.  "In heaven, everyone is young and healthy.  At their best." he said with a beaming smile.  To that, all I could respond was "You're absolutely right." with a big return hug and an equally beaming smile.