My last blog post was pretty dark. I am not normally that type of person. Let's be honest though, that person lives in all of our heads no matter how hard we try to fight our demons. It is completely normal, and definitely healthy to let those emotions flow out occasionally. Otherwise, we are all just ticking time bombs waiting to be detonated. I like to use a 90:10 rule.
The 90:10 rule is something I came up with on my own (of course there are various versions of this idea) to justify my typical womanly mood swings, but realized that it helps greatly in times of great stress. I allow myself to be that dark, negative, emotional victim (if those words are even a good description) for about 10% of the time. The remaining 90% of the time my mind just naturally goes towards the positive.
I came up with this idea within these past few years. Having a child and just trying to help them through their tantrums gives you great insight. Obviously as you get older life does get harder. For myself, these health issues just keep snowballing as I get older as well. At times it is completely overwhelming. I have had 2 relatives take their own lives as well as many others use drugs or even lose their life to drugs. My own personal thought on those matters is that it was a matter of the heart and mind not being able to find balance, and that is how those individuals coped with their struggles.
One relative in particular that took her own life was extremely traumatic for me. She was my aunt. I had always seen her as a beautiful, strong, independent woman. I thought she was smart. I thought she was incredibly resilient. I thought she knew how to take care of herself even if no one else would. I really looked up to her and admired her as well as loved her so.
When I got the news of what had happened I was shocked! I knew she had issues just like any other woman. She had two kids, was a divorcee, and worked as a nurse. As a child I was not in on great details of her life nor do they need to be shared here, but I knew she had the same insecurities many woman do. I could not believe that she thought death would be better than continuing to live on this earth. I was devastated.
I remember thinking over and over, "Didn't she know how much I loved her? Didn't she know how bad this would hurt me? How could she do this to me?" The devastation turned into anger. I thought she should have reached out to me. If she had I would have told her all those things I thought about her. If she had I would have told her how much I loved her. I thought she knew, but maybe I didn't say it enough. I was angry at the pain she caused the rest of the family. Then, I was angry at my family, wondering if they had not shown her enough of their love and need for her.
As I got older, I realized the reality behind a situation like that is far beyond anything I could ever comprehend. It took a lot of religious talks, faith, philosophical talks, and just plain life lessons to know that she was doing what she thought was best for her at that time. At some point in every one's life, you have to do what is best for you. No one can decide what is best for you, but yourself. That doesn't mean I have to agree with it or understand it; that only means that every person has an untold story. Life is based on survival. To survive, you must do for you. Short story turned long, her death has taught me a lot.
The most important lesson I learned from her death was to not allow myself to get sucked into the black hole of despair that we all face in life. Not one single person on this earth is immune to tragedy, pain, hurt, or suffering.
My own father died from complications of Type I Diabetes when I was 3 months away from turning 5 years old. He was 35 at the time. Monday (my dark day post) would have been his 60th birthday. That, the death of a parent, is something you never get over. It has been nearly 25 years and it still feels very fresh. The milestones in life are particularly hard; high school graduation, turning 18, turning 21, pregnancy, giving birth, marriage, college graduation, buying a house, etc. I am realizing that it is actually getting harder as I get older because no matter how old you are, you are still your parents' child and look to them for guidance.
These past few years have been increasingly hard in that manner. Although I have had some autoimmune diseases for 15 plus years now, 2008 really began the snowball of the enormity of what I am facing. I had my son in 2005. From the moment I found out I had diabetes, in my head, I would be dead by the time I was 35. I soon came to realize the advances in medicine and the differences in our lifestyles that would most likely save me from what I thought was my own death sentence. As the years passed and the diagnoses kept rolling in, I kept that "medical advances" and "lifestyle differences" in my head consistently to keep myself from that black hole. I certainly thought that once "stability" was reached, I would be in a much better place physically so the emotions would be easier to control. I suppose that was my mind's coping mechanism to get through such traumatic experiences.
I am now 29 years old and 6 months from my 30th birthday. Last fall I was going through the struggles with my digestive system with no clear answers. It was daily torture, and continues to be, but now we have answers and stability. This fall it is these new episodes with my head. (Happy to report my MRI came back normal, neuro appointment next month) Since 2008 and my first visit to the Mayo Clinic I have not gained much back in life other than wisdom and knowledge. By that, I mean my quality of life has decreased and my physical well being is progressively getting worse. (I work hard everyday to slow the progression as much as possible) I am not on my death bed. I do not want anyone to think I am like a terminal cancer patient or even look at myself that way. Life is just difficult with so much to juggle. I am in no way shape or form a victim in this; these are the cards I was dealt.
Feeling like we have never had a complete handle on my body and it's illnesses is frustrating. I have lived for years with the hope that "stability" would bring me to that place where I could then begin to process the emotional side of all that has been thrown at me, and possibly get to a place of peace with it all.
My son will be 7 next month. As I said, I will be 30 in the new year. I do not feel like I am in a better place physically than I was when I was first sent to the Mayo Clinic. I have never expected a magic pill or a cure, just respite. At this point, with one thing after another and one unanswered mystery after another I am becoming increasingly more frightened. There is no way I can prevent my mind from going to that place that focuses on my own dad's death at 35 when I was a child and me, now moving into my 30s, and my young son.
I try to take advantage of every moment I have with him. I do think that is a blessing that comes from the death of my own dad as well as my illnesses; I realized that literally every second counts. Even if I were not chronically ill, tomorrow is never promised.
That is my main theme for this post. So often we get caught up in the moment. It is easy to get caught up in greed, gossip, comparison, status, self righteousness, and so on. The list could go on for days. It is human nature to seek comfort. We use justifications for our actions to ease our minds and make ourselves comfortable. Misery seeks company. A smile is contagious. Keeping up with the Joneses. The grass is always greener on the other side. Blame and shame are some of the easiest crutches we use to seek comfort. So much of this can be counterproductive in our lives.
In my heart and in my mind, family is the absolute most important thing you have in this world. Love conquers all things (even with no romantic connotation) We feed off of each other for all of the previously noted comfort, similarly and most intensely, we feed of of love.
I did not set out today to get preaching or lecture, but I ended up on this soap box so I'm going to ride it out. Treat those you love like every moment you have with them is your last. We hurt the one's we love the most because we are most comfortable with them. We have the security ingrained in our minds that even when we throw hate towards our loved ones, they will return to us in time with the same love. That should be the case. That would truly be the meaning of unconditional love. But, I think, the more important aspect of it is, why throw hate towards anyone. What does it gain for us? (haha suddenly "WAR! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! starts playing in my head)
Every single time you end a conversation with someone important, make sure they KNOW the are important to you. Speak with them, in good times and in bad, as you would want them to speak to you. You can assume what your own reaction to any situation could be. So often we assume our counterparts reaction and we react based on that assumption. It isn't worth it.
What's worth it is taking the time out of your day to tell your child that you are proud of them. What's worth it is sacrificing the few minutes it would take to call your best friend just to say hello. What's worth it is while you think of your spouse throughout the day, stop, and take a moment to let them know you were thinking of them. With modern technology, a simple I love you can be said in under 2 seconds with a few pressed buttons. What's worth it is not worrying about the new TV you want and spend that money making memories with your grand kids. What's worth it is turning off the computer long enough to hear your 6 year old's incredible story about a cobra he learned new skills from (their imaginations alone will humble you).
Republican or Democrat. Catholic or Jewish. Doctor, lawyer, teacher, nurse, secretary, cashier, waitress. Home owner, renter, or homeless. The President of The United States of America or the man on death row. Every single person deserves respect that you would want. Every single person deserves answers to the questions you have. We all bleed red. We all drink water and eat food. We all need love. We all need encouragement.
That's how we keep ourselves as well as our loved ones out of those dark places and far away from the black hole that so easily sucks us in. We cannot change anyone else in this world but ourselves. The most effortless yet most crucial change is how we treat each other. Change comes from positive action.
Praise, criticize, praise. I don't even like the word "criticize". I'd rather use motivate. Praise, motivate, praise. That will get you far in this world!
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