Unthinkable

Words cannot even begin to describe how I feel right now.  Life is beautiful.  The human body is miraculous in its ability to keep even the most minute pieces of a puzzle in place to sustain life.  Within that, humans are given a brain and cognition that all combine to create a person.  A person with a spirit, mind, body, personality, and light.  But, this miracle is fragile. 

Today an integral part of our family was taken home to be with the Lord.  He was my uncle.  He was the third of six siblings in a rambunctious family born in the fifties.  In a big way, he was the glue that held us all together when life takes its toll and slowly takes away the foundation. 

The siblings began having children in the seventies and eighties.  This only enlarged the family.  Throughout is all they stayed close, always returning home.  As the world goes, with such a large family, we began to lose members slowly throughout the years; whether it be to illness, tragedy, accident, what-have-you.  The young, the old.  None of us were immune.  He was always there.

He lived a good life and made a huge impression on anyone he met.  I currently live in my family's hometown and nearly on a daily basis I get asked about him specifically because he is so memorable.  He was loud, outgoing, fearless, carefree, and an amazing athlete.....not to mention a bit of a charmer.  He dealt with his own set of trials throughout.

As a young adult he married a wonderful woman.  They had a beautiful daughter that was the center of their world.  Unfortunately, he lost his love to cancer.  As a young child, watching him with my cousin, I always thought how difficult it must have been to go through something so awful.  My heart just prayed they would one day find peace in it all.  Even though I was so young and not much was shared with me, my heart always wished the two of them hadn't gone through losing a mom and a wife.  But, he loved his daughter and faced the world head on.

Part of the humor I find in my memories of my uncle was this stream of woman years after the loss of his wife.  He always had a trophy by his side.  It never surprised me because people adored him.  As did all us cousins (minus the romance of course).  Everyone wanted to be around him.  One visit in particular that sticks out in my mind, we went to pick him up at the airport for some family gathering.  I was very young, still in elementary school, but I had a clear understanding of how charming and full of life my uncle was.  The trip to the airport was about 2 to 3 hours and I was excited the whole way.  When we got there, my uncle had in tow a beautiful blond woman with a matching track outfit on.  You know, the one's from the early nineties that were plastic with loud colors.  (When I told her this story, she tells me it was his idea for the matching outfits....and that is just like him)  My first thought was, "Here we go again."  That trip back from the airport, I quickly realized I really liked this woman.  I could also see my uncle saw her differently as well.  Soon after that, she became his wife.  

I remember being so happy that my uncle had found love again and that my cousin would have a mother figure around.  Nothing can replace your mother, but growing up with only a man to turn to for advice must be difficult no matter how much love there is.  My new aunt, who never seemed "new" to me, had three kids of her own.  They happened to be around my age, which only heightened my excitement because I was the youngest cousin at the time and always felt left out.  My uncle and my aunt blended this family together with their amazing love.  I'm not trying to paint this pretty picture of butterflies and roses.  All families have their own set of obstacles, but the love was undeniable between parents and children.

Our family has always been so large and continued to grow as the grandchildren began having kids.  Throughout it all we all stayed as close as possible living only one or two states away from each other, we all returned home for family gatherings.  As the years past, as they always do, my grandparents were taken from us and my uncle lost a sibling.  In all of it, he had his own struggles with a blended family, teenage daughters, life......he always stayed positive.  He always found joy or humor in everything.  He always pushed through with a determination as if the worst case scenario wasn't even a factor.  That was something that drew so many of us to him.  That combined with his love.

He loved his family with everything he had in him.  A mother, a father, a daughter, a wife, three additional children, brothers, a sister, nieces, nephews, soon a grandson, add in two son in laws, granddaughters to follow and not to mention the countless lifelong friends, coworkers, colleagues, acquaintances, etc.  This man loved us all and we all knew how deep the love went.

About six years ago (don't quote me), I got a call from my parents giving me the news that my uncle had cancer.  Forgive me now, it has all been overwhelming, so I cannot recall the specific type of cancer.  I was devastated.  My uncle was always the picture of health to me, but not only that, his spirit was so big, it just didn't seem possible.  At the time, I worked as a medical assistant.  I took the information to the doctor I worked for and asked him to explain it to me.  He was reluctant, but I kept pushing.  Finally, he took me to his office and got on his computer.  He also pulled out some books.  He went over all the information of this type of cancer with me, and it floored me.  When my parents told me, things were so new, we were not sure we had all the right information.  I went into denial.  I figured everything the doctor I worked for had gone over with me was useless information.  It was scary and there was no way my uncle, who was so vital and vibrant, could be suffering from that.

Not too long after that, I started getting calls from my uncle urging me to get help for my ailments.  I had been dealing with symptoms and frightening episodes for a couple years and he wanted me to get treated or at least evaluated.  I argued with him all the time.  I was too young.  I was working too hard.  I was a new mom.  He was being overbearing and making a big deal out of nothing.  One day, as I was driving to work, my uncle's doctor called me.  Imagine the look on my face and thoughts going through my head.  The gentleman spoke with me in detail about my diabetes and the symptoms I was having.  He recommended disability.  He urged me to look at the whole picture because it was more serious than I was treating it.  He even offered to help in any way if I decided I wasn't going to push back anymore.  I thought about it for a few days, and the whole time I was amazed that my uncle was going through testing and who knows what else for a form of cancer and he was worried about little ol' me.

Of course, after some time and continued urging, I followed my uncle's advice.  As soon as I did, he jumped on board.  He gathered anyone he knew who could help to get me, my husband, and son in a situation for me to start getting better.  These past four years with diagnosis after diagnosis for me, he has been there every step of the way.  Sometimes, even living 8 hours away, popping up at my door just to check on me while he was in town.  All this time, he was dealing with his diagnosis and all that it entailed.  Never once did he complain or show any signs of weakness.

I remember many nights crying to my husband in fear that we would lose him.  I didn't understand the diagnosis they had given my uncle.  As you can tell, with me giving no details, I still don't understand it in totality.  Which is so not like me.  I am an information junkie, and I feel that information gives you power.  If I cannot fix something, I will learn about it until I find a way.  Something about my uncle being ill and it being so fragile was so overwhelming, I believe I was in denial because not a single piece of useful information stuck in my brain.  I just knew he was very ill and I was terribly worried, but he was my uncle, the rock, nothing would take him.

When treatments started getting more intense, I would call to let him know I was thinking about him.  I also wanted details.  I wanted to know he was going to be alright.  He would never allow the conversation to be focused on him.  I would call and ask if he was OK.  His answer was always, "I'm doing great, darlin'.  How are you?"  I'd try the same trick and push again for him to lean on me, but he wouldn't take it.  He was concerned with me.  He would give me advice and tell me what doctors to call or what he thought I should do for my own health and well being.  He always asked about my son and my husband.  Then, we would leave the conversation with an "I love you."

That did the job.  He would calm my nerves enough.  My denial would only solidify with his upbeat, positive, and lively personality.  I know my illnesses changed me a lot so I began to assume that if he wasn't affected by this illness, I shouldn't be scared for him.  The fear was always in the back of my mind, but I would always tell myself that the cycle of life takes us all.  I never believed this would take my uncle.

He raised his daughter.  That in itself is an honor many men take for granted or completely disregard.  He loved with everything he had.  He found his perfect match in life.  He helped raise her kids as his own.  All the dysfunction, trials, and tribulations never broke him or backed him away from loving his family.  He helped raise his grandson who worships him.  He has taken care of those around him in any way he can find.  He has seen his share of heartache, and yet none of it ever broke his spirit.  I attribute that to his amazing personality, but also to my aunt who stood by his side.  She matches him perfectly.  The joy and heartwarming feelings I get when I think of my uncle, I get the same feelings thinking of my aunt.

She did not have to join this crazy family.  She did not have to put up with all of our antics.  She did not have to take us all in with an open heart.  She did.  From day one, many moons ago, she has been someone I look up to.  She is gorgeous.  She is smart.  She is just as charming and crazy as my uncle.  She is loving and caring and so giving.  She has been through some major tragedy these past few years.  I believe she is glad to see my uncle's suffering come to an end, but I also believe that God must have his hands carrying her through this all.  She has been through enough.  She deserves us all to be here for her.  She deserves the world. 

The world is a cruel, cruel place.  To us, at many times, nothing makes sense.  Right now, the only sense I can make of all of this is that I am grateful for every memory I have of my uncle.  I am grateful for the extended family he has given me.  I am grateful for the way he cared for so many.  I am grateful and honored to say he was my UNCLE PEBO.  And he will be missed greatly.

This will not break us.  This will strengthen us all.  We will band together and surround my aunt and my cousins with the love, comfort, and support they need at this time.  The world does not stop turning, but we can take on what they cannot.  That's what family is for.  That's what family is.  God is with us and now we have a beautiful guardian angel to help guide us.

My only concern, my uncle was a jokester.  He is now in a place where he is healthy, young, and free.  What havoc will he wreak down on us in laughter showing us his love?  That gives me hope.  Knowing his joyful spirit will surround us all.