You Cannot Hold Me Down

After about a week and a half of feeling practically normal, I hit a wall this past Sunday.  Mostly tired and achy.  I can feel pleurisy acting up in my upper left back that is now starting to radiate to my right side as well.  That is my cue to put the brakes on.  I have obviously done too much for my body to handle and it is yelling, "STOP!"  This time, I listened.

I had a check up with my primary care physician today.  Due to recent concerns, particularly digestive stability, they are keeping a close eye on me these days.  With the week and a half of feeling awesome (in my world) I had hoped I would show some progress on the scale.  My appetite has increased a little and I have tried to indulge in more "comforting" foods opting for the higher calorie, and maybe less nutrient rich, foods.  I know my husband has enjoyed the meals for sure.

For whatever reason, I am always nervous for appointments.  Even routine check ups with a doctor I have been seeing for over three years leads to terrible anxiety.  "What am I doing wrong?  What will they find this time?  Hopefully my blood sugar is in normal range so I don't hear anything from the nurse."  These are all common thoughts that roll through my mind the hours leading up to an appointment.  Today was no different other than the additional thought of, "I hope I put on some weight."  Obviously a very strange thought to be going through a 28 year old woman's mind. 

The nurse calls me up very quickly, actually interrupting my reading (imagine that).  With confidence I get on the scale......and see her pushing that dumb little thing further to left.  My heart drops.  2 more pounds lost in the last four weeks.  How can this be possible....again?  I even ate nearly an entire box of brownies I had made myself on Saturday night.  I had planned to have them around for the week, but they were so good I couldn't stop.  Thankfully, my husband and mother in law jumped in and ate some to save me.  Either way, I have indulged and indulged and still keep losing.

At this point in time, I am actually feeling some fear.  I try to do everything they tell me.  I research and educate myself on healthy weight gain.  I do not want to endanger another body part by putting on pounds in an unhealthy manner.  That would only cause more trouble down the road.  The look in my doctor's face is a look I have only seen a few times in my life.  It is definitely a look of concern.  Normally, I hear some words of encouragement, a plan of action, or what to expect from a change.  Not on these occasions.  When the doctor is left with no words and that concerned look in her face, it radiates pretty deep. 

I left the appointment in despair.  I couldn't help but think that my body is slowly shutting down despite any and all efforts.  I see people rush through life consuming horrible things with bad habits and not a care in the world (or so it seems), but their bodies hold up.  I understand everyone has a story.  Everyone deals with some struggle even if it is not physical.  I understand that the unhealthy habits will and do lead to problems....but I can't help but envy the healthy/ healthier.

Then, I read a blog from one of my favorite sites, sixuntilme.com.  It talked about health in a manner of perspective not science.  Just like any other aspect of life, I suppose, health is in the eye of the beholder.  I decided, this is my healthy.  I am doing everything in my power to be the best I can be.  Beyond that, it is out of my control.  Why should I feel guilt?  Why should I feel a need to act?  Why should I envy what I do not have?  I've done what I can, let it go.

I went to pick up the light of my life from school after my pity party.  Sadly, his day did not go well either.  A few altercations with some kids which meant he lost his sticker for the day.  He was very upset.  When he explained to me what he did wrong (he is very honest), I simple said, "Well, you learn from your mistakes so you know how to react differently next time.  No big deal.  We'll try again tomorrow. "  The poor little guy walked all the way to our truck with the bottom lip out.  When we got home he cried to Daddy about his disappointment in his self (very wise 5 year old).  Daddy responded similarly to me.  "Tomorrow is a new day.  It happened, you had consequences, now let's move on."  That got me thinking.

Here I was feeling sorry for myself for over 3 hours, and honestly several weeks now, and I am trying to teach my son to not hold on to negative feelings.  ?!  This is the hand I have been dealt.  I have also been dealt an amazing husband, a beautiful son, a great family, supportive loving friends, stability, a home, a vehicle, two polar opposite dogs who bring joy everyday, and the love of God.  I have incredible knowledge about health, nutrition, and the human body.  I cannot even list all the blessings.  I could list the downfalls.  That tells me, I have more good than bad in my life.  Take that immune system!  Coming atcha antibody ninja girl.  You cannot hold me down.