Yesterday I was inspired in church. I felt that "light bulb" moments (as I like to call them) are often useful wisdom that is gained along a lifetime. Why not share that wisdom you just gained so that it can be passed on or corrected if it's a misconception?
A week or so ago I got a card from my brother's family. It contained a gift to help us during these trying times. In addition to the thoughtful gift, this card had many scriptures written on it to help anyone going through trials. I read them over. I was so appreciative of the gift, but the card had more meaning. I have recently been leaning much more on my faith to help me. I realized several months ago that my bible, that which was my father's, is packed away in a box in storage somewhere. So, I have been using my kindle and random other places to read the bible. I, myself, still find it very difficult to understand. The language is old and often cryptic. Sometimes the message jumps right out at me, but more often than not I need a little guidance. There was a particular passage that was on the card; whereas most were written out, this one was just noted (I see now that it was too long, as many Psalm or Proverbs are) so I took a mental note to look it up later.
It was Psalm 126 '...when the Lord brought home our treasure, all delights were like a dream; in defeat, a shout of victory; in the sand, a flowing stream. Mouths that once were parched with anguish, now with shouts of joy are filled; laughter now replaces sadness for the goodness God has willed. Bring us back to former glory, lost through the year's of exiles pain. Generations long forgotten, seek God's favor to regain. Those who plant their seeds with grieving, wetting soil with falling tears, shall rejoice in time of harvest, reaping hope for all those years."
I didn't have to wait long or dig through boxes to find my bible to look up the passage. In yesterday's church service it was used, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was feeling so vulnerable for my last blog post. I poured my heart out, showed all my weaknesses and fears, and basically told the world I was crumbling. This passage reminded me that the crumbling that is happening is only helping to make the future brighter. It is natural, normal, and perfectly fine for people to show emotions as I did. It is actually useful. Just hearing that coming from Him made me feel like I am doing fine.
Then the liturgist stood up to read more passages. Before she did her duty, however, she stopped to let the congregation know that her son was coming home from his last tour of duty. She explained that her son has been in the military 18 years and has made a career out of it. I don't remember exactly how many tours she said he has already done, but she said with confidence that this was his last. She was pleased to share that after all these years he is returning home safe. All of this was said with extreme joy but covered with emotion. Her voice shook as she spoke and she had to gather herself before moving on to her Sunday duties.
This was another "light bulb" moment for me. I thought of how incredibly stressful it would be for my own son to be serving for his country in a war. The fear every morning waking up wondering if he was going to be OK and the fear at night wondering if he will see tomorrow. The shear feeling of having no certainty of seeing your loved one again. Then my mind branched off to a possible wife or kids this soldier may have, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, etc. Having a family member serving must make so many proud of their loved one's sacrifices, but we cannot forget all the families go through here at home. I thought, "...and I've been feeling sorry for myself?! I wouldn't trade this pain and anguish for that. I don't have it that bad." I will be taken care of, and for the time being I am spending it with my family as we all should be. I just felt her joy along with all she must have felt these last 18 years.
I have a lot on my plate. This camel's back is about broken. Or so I thought last week and the weeks before as things just seemed to continue to pile on. My husband and son are going through this with me everyday. Although they do not feel the physical things I go through, they are on this journey in a different way. At this point, I think it is so overwhelming, none of us can see the others' perspective so we do have short fuses and occasionally overreact to unrelated things. But, I look at us as a unit, as a team, and we will get through this together. This will make us stronger, and we will have a greater understanding of each other thereafter (I can only assume).
Chronic illness, in any form, is a devastating and difficult life to live. This not only applies to the patient, but the families as well. I cannot equate illness to serving in a war by any stretch of the imagination. The only thought I can give is that the grass is NOT always greener on the other side. YOU do not have it worse than.......there is always a worse possibility. In tough times, that is the most difficult thing to see other than the light at the end of the tunnel. Ultimately, everyone involved is affected. But we cannot take away from what the actual patient goes through or (to stick to topic) what the soldier goes through while serving.
It changes us. Trauma, stress, anxiety, and instability changes a person. Time changes a person. Change is the only thing in this world we can expect to happen. The problem may lie in acceptance. I have heard stories of soldiers coming back and their families talking about how much they have changed. Even veterans are spoken about in that manner, "Well, before the war...." The chronically ill are very similar in the regard of these extreme emotions being dragged out over long periods of time. I hope with this information we can all start to look at each other with a little more acceptance, considering we have no idea what glasses the other person is looking through.
Ultimately, what I got out of all this is:
1) I have got to get the box I am sure my bible is in and get it out.
2) I want to find an accessible way for me to study the bible to gain a better understanding (it's the information junkie in me, craving anything).
3) I have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and push away the thoughts that I have such a hard life.
4) Remind myself how cushioned and comfy my life is with my husband and son and our little home.
5) Stop looking at negative emotions as negatives. They are our path to positivity.
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