Have you ever had one of those times when you just feel like the world needs to stop so you can catch up? There are times in life when something is so tragic or detrimental that it feels like the world should stop turning. I believe this happens to all of us. Even in times of great despair and struggle we are still expected to pay our bills, get to work, and take care of mundane responsibilities. Sometimes that just doesn't feel right. Death is one of those times.
This week my family lost one of it's own. My 34 year old cousin went out for a walk Tuesday evening and never returned home. We are all devastated and shocked by her death. The hardest part for me is thinking about my uncle and aunt, her parents. They lost a baby years ago, then lost a daughter a few years back. A short time after the death of that daughter they lost her oldest son. And now, their youngest. How can that be possible? For one family to go through so much tragedy?
Mother Theresa said once that 'God only gives us what we can handle. I just wish he wouldn't trust me so much.' Not only do I think of my uncle and aunt when I hear this, but I use it to inspire myself as well. It does seem overwhelming. It does feel like I cannot bear the weight of this trial. Life is swirling around me. I feel as though my head is spinning. I do not know which way is up or down.
My husband is a hard working man. He is the most honorable and admirable man I know. He works hard day in and day out to see to it that my son and myself have a safe and stable home. He has to pick up the slack when my body is weak. He has to be the rock that we all lean on when times get tough. Although he works in a position he went to school for, he still struggles to keep our heads above water. That seems unjust to me. I cannot blame him for doing his best. I cannot blame my illnesses or myself for holding us back. I can only pray that all his hard work will pay off.
My son is glorious. Not only does he bring a smile to my face everyday, but he approaches life with such hope it is inspiring. He is so smart and compassionate. He was brought into this world with love. Alas, he is an only child. He longs for a sibling, a playmate, a companion. I cannot give that to him. He deals with this crazy world alone. Yes, we as parents are here to guide him and teach him and love him, but ultimately he is left to his own devices to figure it all out. He sees daddy working so hard for our family. He sees momma on my good days and on my bad days. And lately he has had to hear the news of our lost family member. Although he did not know her, he sees the pain it is causing and his compassion kicks right in. It is heartbreaking to me for such a young, innocent child to have seen so much already.
My cousin was one of a kind. As all of us do, she had her flaws and demons. Beyond the struggles we all must overcome she had a good heart. She was true to herself no matter what. Even in a situation where you might put on a little show because you know the people around you might be judgemental, she was herself. Take it or leave it. The other thing I loved about her, my sister put into words so beautifully, is that she had the same expectations for those around her. She was outgoing. My sister and I are a little more introverted. Anytime we'd be around her, she wouldn't allow us to withdraw or back down. She wasn't pushy or aggressive. You just saw the openness in her eyes. Almost as if she was always saying, "Go for it. Who cares what they think?! Be happy." And I believe that is how she lived her life, in search of constant happiness.
Her parents deserve a slice of heaven. They have seen so much pain and tragedy in their lifetime it is unbelievable. Yet, they continue to move forward. My uncle is a business man with an amazing talent to bring people together. My aunt is a kind soul who loves animals. They love their family unconditionally and would do anything for them. It is baffling to me that bills are being mailed out, funeral arrangements need to be made, there are other struggles our family as a whole are going through.....and through it all they have to take care of responsibilities while coming to terms with the loss of their baby. I understand this is how it goes for everyone of us.....but it just doesn't seem right.
These unexpected pains just hit you like a ton of bricks and stop you in your tracks. It leaves us lost. This is when we all need to pull together. Hunker down with those who can relate and let the feelings flow. As a whole we will pick each other up and put the pieces back together. Once the dust settles we will be able to see where we need to start. If you look too hard, there are struggles and pain every day of our lives. Everyone of us has bad luck in that sense. But flip that! If you look hard enough, there are blessings and joys every day of our lives. We are all so lucky to be here, together, and know that we have each other.
That is the conclusion I have come to. The weight on my shoulders has gotten too much for me to handle. The pain in my heart is overtaking all other emotions. So at this time, I lift them away. I lift them to the Lord. Guide me through this time in my life when I have no more strength to carry on. I will wait, patiently, for the storm to pass. I will come through this a stronger person. I will be able to conquer more after the lessons I learn from all of this.
And with that....I sign off. Off to go read my son a book. Off to go cherish the time I have and the loved ones I have it with.
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