Recently I have been lashing out at those I love. I have had trouble putting my finger on the exact source of my frustration. As many of you know, that doesn't go over well with people. I have blown up at my sister whose is my best friend in the entire world and I love her dearly. I have yelled at my husband and son numerous times over who knows what. I have been passively rude to many around me. And lastly, the one that was the tipping point, was the meltdown I had with my dad on the phone the other night.
I have been struggling for about 2 months now trying to pinpoint this frustration. I have talked with my husband in my moments of sanity and expressed my sincere apologies for the misdirected anger. Even letting him in on the fact that he isn't doing anything to initiate these outbursts. Oh how I wish I could blame it on someone else......hahaha. But the more I do it, the more it eats at me.
I wake up in the middle of night with anxiety. For what? I do not get tired when it is time for bed. I am uninterested in TV. The Internet just fuels my negative fire. And yet, still, I cannot pinpoint a thing. You may ask what I am thinking about. Good question? Literally, NOTHING. I am not wallowing in pity. There are no negative thoughts running through my mind. Everything and everyone just seems to be pushing all the right buttons to tick me off.
Today was the start of summer vacation for my son. On a side note, he will be moving on to 1st grade next year. Where does the time go? I have been trying to slow myself down. My thought is that my Type A personality is creeping up on me and pushing me to do things my body cannot do. I am obviously ignoring my body's indicator (random anxiety and frustration) that I am pushing too hard. But, that just leads to another question, how do I turn it off?
I must have in the past. I have been through trials and tribulations that were completely out of my control before. There is nothing new going on. There is not a darn thing in the entire world that is worthy of me complaining about. Somehow, that last statement, has carried me through so much. It has brought me peace before. Why not this time? What is nagging me? I still can't answer that........until today.
My life is not a problem that needs fixing.
Plain and simple. I have even said this (not in these exact words) to people recently in an effort to get them to back off. Today I realized it. I heard those words spoken by someone else today in passing and they clicked. Has that ever happened to you before? I almost feel like it is Divine intervention. So many times in this last year I have gotten lost and asked for guidance, strength, wisdom, and knowledge. Maybe because I am being more conscious these days, but inevitably something happens to answer my prayers. The answer may not be what I am looking for and it never comes as I expect it. Certainly, it doesn't come as quickly as I think it should. Nevertheless, it comes.
Of course, the comment resonated with me. As I thought of these past few months, because they are always on my mind due to the guilt I feel for throwing blame in all the wrong places, I realized this is what I needed. My friends, my family, shoot nearly everyone around me, has had nothing but the best intentions. They see me struggling. My life is obviously consumed with my comorbidities and the burden they carry. This is very prevalent everyday. Obviously for me it is always in my face. "Every move you make, every breath you take......." It's there. But for those who love me, it is the thing that draws them to want to help. Is there anything wrong with that? NO, absolutely not. They wouldn't be there if they didn't love me. But there is something we have all been missing.....
My life is not a problem that needs fixing.
Yes, I have several diseases. Yes, life is difficult. Yes, my life has changed drastically in the last 5 years. Yes, quality of life leaves a little to be desired (to put it lightly). Something has happened along the way that my loved ones missed out on. I accepted it. I love my life. I love my husband. I love my son. I love our house. We have two great dogs. We, as a family, eat healthier. We spend so much quality time together. There is so much these trials have taught me. I have learned and come to see it all as blessings in disguise. I am such a better person today because of what I have been through and those who carried me through it. I know what is in store for me, but I also know there is so much in store that I cannot predict. No one can. We all live life this way. My life is perfect for me. (and really that's all that matters, right?)
So, I extend the olive branch to those I have hurt. I am sincerely sorry for lashing out for no reason at all, or what seemed like no reason. You were all trying to help in any way that you can. I have not been wronged. No blame needs to be directed towards a single soul. The problem is, everyone is continually trying to fix me. "So & so found a new cutting edge doctor." "Here are some new foods that may help." "My (insert family member or friend here) does this or said this.....have you tried that?" "Are you taking care of yourself?" "Why haven't they tried this or that?" "How come?" "I'm so sorry!" "Go here. Go there. Do this not that. Do that not this." and so on and so on. I thank you! I truly do. You are showing me love in the only way you know how. I get it. It is a difficult situation. No one knows what to say or how to approach it. Honestly, neither do I.
By now, it is a part of me. LAUREN. The only me I can be. I am happy. I am content. I am not scared (well, most of the time...), but if I am I know I can handle it. If I can't, I know you all will be there. Please, (as nicely as I can say this) back off. You do not need to fix me. I am more than my struggles. Talk to Lauren. Love Lauren. Accept Lauren. If I need something I will ask. I promise. But allow me to live my life. You know I am making the best choices for me, and I am perfectly capable of doing that on my own. I know you all want this to go away. I thank you for your love and support.
Now, let's get back to the good stuff.
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