Hello world. It has been a while. Quite a long while. I'm glad to be back though. The last three or four months have been a roller coaster. I feel that every time I get on it my blog that is what I have to say. Life with chronic illnesses, especially comorbidities, is a roller coaster. Why do I still find myself waiting for the lull? waiting for the downtime?
The holidays turned out to be great. My last post was just before the holidays, and I remember being so down. I was so worried for my son and family. I was so worried I would be feeling horrible and they would have to deal with me that way throughout. Luckily, I have an amazing family who pulled together and lifted me up. Although, it did not go off without a hitch, I must say that my son had a wonderful time. I got to enjoy some modified yet traditional holiday food as well as seeing the joy on my son's face. It was extra special to me because this was the first holiday I did not feel like an outcast, a burden, or forgotten. That is something I have not been able to say for at least 4 years.
The immunologists tests came back. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am not completely sure I understand the terminology and jargon he used so I will reserve my explanation and results until after my followup visit with him next week. I can say that we do have some new answers and my hope has been restored.
I really don't even want to make this entry about health. Health is such a vital part of everyday life for all of us. It has consumed my life to the umpteenth degree. Today, I would just like to take a deep breath and reflect on any other aspect of life.
I have come to the realization that the ages between 25-30 are a very difficult transition stage for many. I happen to be in this age group so I know first hand, but in my interactions with my peers as well as my elders I am hearing many of the same concerns. It got me thinking? How can they all be so confused, overwhelmed, and have so many doubts? I thought I was nearly alone in my feelings because my health has derailed so many of my plans and dreams. I was wrong. How selfish, right? HAHA
We all get to a stage in our lives where we realize that what we thought we would have accomplished, has yet to be achieved. What we thought we would be doing, most of us are not. Where we thought we'd be in our lives is far from where we are now. What will the future hold? Did I take the wrong path? Can I really live this way for the rest of my life? And why did no one tell me it was going to be so hard? Does anyone have an answer?
I do! The answer is, no one knows the answer. What I do know that is that our lives are not in our control. We can do the best we can, but we have to just go with the flow. Change is inevitable. You cannot plan who you will fall in love with. You cannot plan landing the perfect job. You cannot plan how many kids you'll have by any certain age. These things can be planned for, but they are not certainties or give ins by any stretch.
The truth of the matter is, every generation has been through this transition of being a kid turning into an independent adult. All at different ages and different stages, but everyone goes through this. But look at this from a broader lens. In your twenties, given the life expectancy these days, is only about a third (if that) of your life. The changes, uncertainties, doubts, fears, joys, accomplishments, achievements you have gone through at this stage are merely a small portion of what you have yet to see. Rest in the fact that no one knows exactly what they are doing. Rest in the fact that you have every opportunity to change the situation you are in at any point...or even, at that, maintain where you are i that's what makes you happy.
You do not have to live up to anything. You do not have to do things because someone else told you that's how it is done. No one has the answer. Find what inspires you. Don't expect great things. We forget that as kids the smallest, seemingly most insignificant, things amazed us. If reading inspires or motivates you, do it. If exercise does, do it. If blogging does, do it. If sky-diving does, do it. If starting a company does, do it. The bottom line is, nothing gets done if no work is put into it. You have to decide for yourself that "this" is what you want to do. Be confident in that. It is what makes you happy.
Yes, we all have responsibilities. We all have obligations. We all have some sort of expectations. But sometimes the simplest statements wrap it up. Do your best. That's ALL you CAN do. Beyond that, let it go. Knowing you've done what you can will give you so much power. You know the saying, change the things you can and accept those you cannot change. It's true. All the worry, thought, and anguish in the world will not affect the powers that be. Find one thing everyday that warms your heart, even for a second, and hold onto that feeling as long as you can. Come back to it throughout the day in times of stress. You may be surprised at how incredible you really are. You may be surprised at how much the world has to offer.
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