Hello friends. I recently passed my 7 month birthday/anniversary for my Enterra gastric stimulator. I saw my doctor a few days before. I have gained another pound. Slowly but steadily I am progressing through this recovery with flying colors. I am hoping to get a little more meat on my bones in the next few months. My doctor is happy with my current status. As long as my symptoms from gastroparesis are lessening and my weight is stable, he feels confident. Weight gains are gleefully accepted by all.
I will be honest. I haven't been feeling all that great. It genuinely has just been a general feeling of malaise. Lack of motivation, aches and pains, blood sugars completely erratic, and headaches that won't quit. This certainly affects my appetite. I am sure much of this is intertwined. The warmer weather kicks up allergies. Allergies send your immune system into a frenzy. This could possibly cause erratic blood sugars. Immune response in addition to warmer weather allowing more activity outside can confuse the body. Immune system causing high blood sugars while activity lowers blood sugars. Factor in the general routine your body is acclimated to and chaos ensues.
Now, (if your not diabetic) imagine water running through your veins carrying little sugar and oxygen to the rest of your body. That would make you feel pretty weak. Then imagine that quickly changing to syrup overloaded with tons of sugar while carrying oxygen and nutrients to the rest of your body slowly. Again, this would cause you to feel pretty raunchy. All the while, your body is fighting to reach homeostasis. Imagine going through this several times a day. Swimming for hours then running in the sand then swimming then running.....you get the picture. By 10 pm you would crash on the couch, aching all over, and worn out completely. This explains lack of motivation along with aches and pains. The headaches can be tied in as well. Sugar and oxygen are the main sources of energy to the brain; water, syrup, water, syrup....throbbing is no surprise. Well, I am glad we worked this out together. I feel much better knowing what is happening. Thank you for your help. ;-)
All joking aside, I am no expert.
I will tell you all some joys of mine. Who wants to talk about hardships all day long?
A few short days before the 7 month birthday, as I like to call it, I had my own birthday. I am an extremely young 31. This is a milestone. A major milestone. Feeling so helpless and hopeless, hearing all the daunting information the doctors through around, and feeling every moment of it....wow, 31 is welcomed with open arms. This, of course, does not come without the typical breakdowns many of us have while aging.
Everybody talks about turning 30 and having heart palpitations until that day. Women especially, talk about a deep depression and seeking ways to feel younger. Well, let's face the truth and realize that 30 is less than half our life expectancy so what's so frightening. Nevertheless, this milestone is usually a dreaded and hated one. For me, 30 was great. I felt mature and suddenly smarter. 31 started rolling around and all of a sudden my mind is counting back the years to high school. My mind is calculating the years I have known my husband, 14. My son is 8. What?! When did I become old enough to have, let alone, raise an 8 year old. He's nearly as big as I am. Whoa?! My heart began to ache too. It's been all of 2 or 3 weeks and I am over my "quarter-life" crisis.
Again, another special day rolls around in my new journey. My birthday came with as many joys as the holidays. I have discovered that fatty, sugary treats are just too much for my belly to handle. I talked about making blueberry muffins in place of pies for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Well, my son and I made gluten-free, dairy-free chocolate chip muffins for my birthday. Chocolate has always been an addiction for me. Chocolate cake in any form or fashion fills me with joy. Frustration follows these days so I treat my addiction with small doses here and there. Anything made with the love of my son tastes even sweeter, so those chocolate chip muffins were just the "cake" that I needed for a true birthday.
My birthday fell on a Sunday. My family got up and went to church with spoken words welcoming my special day. After church, I requested we go to PF Chang's. Mmmm gluten free heaven. Along the way is a store that sells, what I like to call "tall-boys", as in the good ol' fashioned 16 oz. cans of beer. The beer, in my case, is swapped out with Zevia. I am not sure if I have talked about Zevia before, but it is an all natural soda. It contains stevia instead of artificial sweeteners, it has less caffeine, less sodium, just all around a good switch from soda. My belly doesn't handle the traditional soda, so I go for Zevia. I had a long loving relationship with 44 oz. diet cokes for many years; like all other foods I have learned coping skills. Proudly in my new birthday outfit and with my tall-boy we sat for a leisurely lunch that I could enjoy without regretting. When we returned home, my son insisted we light a candle next to a muffin, as to not contaminate me in any way (so thoughtful), and they sang "Happy Birthday". I ate it gladly and oh was it good! The rest of the day was lounging and movies. I couldn't ask for anything better.
Being able to enjoy things with friends and family is such a beautiful thing. Finding tricks and little details to tweak can make it even better. It doesn't happen over night. Getting a diagnosis is a shock. Any diagnosis. A chronic illness entails a lot of learning the first few years. As you learn and grow and the disease becomes part of you instead of defining you, you will be able to make small adjustments that help bring these special moments back into light as well as making you feel at ease. It is hard to blend into a world that is not made for you. Change that world so it is yours.
The interesting thing about my motivational writings and positive thoughts are that they are all inside of me or I would not be able to write about them genuinely and with so much passion, yet somehow in my heart they are not always fully embraced as of yet. I don't know if they ever will. I talk a lot to those close to me about trying to get to a place where I fully accept the diseases I face and the paths they will take me down. I know I have control of my own free will, but like all other responsibilities, I have to take the diseases seriously. This is where the phrase "easier said than done" comes from. A lot of times we intellectually know how we should be thinking, how we should be reacting, and what we should do about things, but a great percentage of those times our hearts do not fall in line with our intellect. I do think these thoughts would not come to me or any one else if we didn't genuinely feel them. It's the tough parts of these roads that trick our hearts into feeling the opposite of what we know to be true.
I am a true introvert. I can talk an ear off for hours if I am comfortable with someone. Put me in an environment where I feel unsafe and good luck with getting the real me. I think a lot. I analyze everything, especially myself. If I am feeling bad, down, wrong, hurt about anything, I look inside myself and think "How did I or my actions contribute to this...". I try to take accountability for everything because we are all full of mistakes. I am embarrassed easily and embarrassment and shame go hand-in-hand for me. That's a tough disconnect to make even though I know they are separate emotions. When I get to these impasses of shame and accountability, I shut down.
That's when the gears start turning. I look everywhere for answers. I always need an answer. Then, I get to a place where I tell myself "Not everything makes sense. Do your best and know you have given your all. What you cannot change cannot be a burden." That's when these positive, motivational thoughts begin to roll in. In an effort not to depress my readers, I come to my keyboard stressed and emotional but disguise it often. As I write, I work these things out in my head and in my heart. The thoughts and analyzing come together and by the end of each post I feel positive and relieved.
I suppose this blog is sort of like a journal. When I think of it that way, I scare myself knowing so many people know my inner workings. So, I think of the blog as a true connection to friends and families and the curious. I have said it before and I will say it countless times again, we all have struggles. I am not the only one in a situation that often overwhelms me. Opening up about these struggles takes the stigma of weakness out of them. Being overwhelmed, ill, overworked, stressed, grieving, lonely or concerned should never be seen as a weakness. And being an introvert holds me back from really discussing my feelings with those close to me. If a thought is interrupted or overlooked, I cease. As I said earlier, if shame is involved I most often shut down. This blog is my release. It is my connection to all those who struggle. It is a tool to lay everything out to look at it more clearly. And it is a way to expose some details not discussed with my inner circle due to shame and a feeling of weakness. Maybe this helps them piece things together as well.
I saw a recent quote I cannot repeat verbatim, but it basically said "serving others is the best way to help yourself". I firmly believe that with all my heart and mind. I may not always be the best with encouragement and unsolicited advice, but my ultimate goal everyday is to be a shoulder to cry on or a contagious smile to pay it forward. This is not a conscious thought in my mind every morning, it is just me. I suppose the missteps come in when I am so underwater, I become selfish and cannot see the pain I may be causing another.
Love is our best weapon. Openness is great ammunition. Love comes from above while openness comes from within. Let's all look within.
