Today I had to take my truck into a body shop for an estimate. I live in the same town I went to high school in so the gentleman running the shop was my neighbor as a kid. He and I have crossed paths a few times these last few years. I knew he took over his dad's shop, but I haven't stayed in close contact with him.
As he was going about the business of getting my estimate done, paperwork filled out and filed, and whatever else they need to get done when it comes to insurance claims he asked, "So what have you been up to these past few years?"
This is a dreaded question for me. I hate answering it. I can always say, "I am a stay at home mom." That is an incredibly hard job that is definitely a necessity in my mind. But I only have one child who is in school so I have at least 6 hours out of the day I feel people think I should be out working. Many women in this area have several children so staying at home with them in a no-brainer, but this day and age- one child doesn't seem to constitute a need to stay home.
After spending the beginning of this month with family for the loss of a loved one my mind set changed a bit. I was around family, granted many of them I hadn't seen in years. They are all aware of my situation on some level, knowing that I have some chronic illnesses. As hugs and greetings or goodbyes were exchanged I'd get the whispers in my ear, "Good to see you. You are so tiny." "Glad you made the trip, but you look good." "Oh you tiny, little thing. I am so glad you could get here." I know they all love me and I knew they were glad to see me because I have had to miss so many family events in the last few years. In talking to my husband though, because we deal with this daily, we joked about how that was a polite way of them telling me I wasn't looking too great or at least not as good as the last time they saw me. That wasn't what changed my mindset though.
I was comfortable with them. I felt the love all around me. I felt comfortable avoiding the food or other contaminate that may threaten me. I felt comfortable not putting on makeup to prevent my face from getting a rash. I felt comfortable needing to sneak away for some medicine. I felt comfortable being allowed to me. The me that I have always been, but also the new me with all that is attached. I embraced myself a little more.
So, today with this old friend asking what I have been up to, I did say "Staying home with this guy" as I pointed to my son (he is off for Veteran's Day). My old friend gave me a smirk, then I said "I actually got sick not too long after high school. A rare immune problem. This guy is my little miracle, and he keeps me plenty busy."
With that, I received a beaming smile from my old friend. He said, "I've been wondering when I see you around. That must be why you're so skinny. I'm really sorry." At that, we laughed and joked about how I'd love to enjoy some more scrumptious food. He the said, "You look great, then." And we finished out our business for the day. With a "Thank you" and a "Good to see you" my son and I left to go about our day.
I cannot tell you how refreshing that interaction was for me. We all see people day in and day out we may know closely, as an acquaintance, or a stranger. We all exchange small talk and mutual etiquette, but I assume most of us leave these interactions not knowing truly what was between the lines. With so many insecurities about my health and my appearance, it was nice just to hear the truth. It was nice to be accepted, heard, and told an honest truth.
Sometimes when we are trying to spare the feelings of others we make the mistake of putting our foot in our mouths. You never know how things will be received on the other end or perceived for that matter. Thinking about your responses first, especially too much, usually ends badly. Go with your gut. Be kind to everyone you meet. But, first and foremost, be honest and genuine with what you say. I promise that will be received much better, and the perception will most likely be that of what you intended.
