Waiting on something that will change your life is like watching water boil. Now, imagine eagerly watching water in a pot waiting for it to boil while having to juggle three balls in the air, chop vegetables, and find and open the package of noodles intended for that pot. Have I lost you yet? Well, that's what my life has felt like this past month.
Currently, as I have mentioned in the past, I live in southeastern New Mexico. Beautiful country. Small town, great community, slower paced lifestyle, and very few doctors, even fewer specialist. I cannot count how many times in the past 5 years it has been recommended that I move to be closer to a team of doctors who can follow me closely. While that makes perfect logical sense, try telling your heart to leave your home. I have been working on this last part diligently for the past several months but even more so since I returned home from Johns Hopkins.
My son is my world. Everyone commends me on my strength and resilience when in reality they need to commend that little man who keeps me smiling every single day. He goes to the most remarkable school I have ever come across. His first grade year he made milestones beyond my imagination. His classmates are like his family and they go grade-to-grade together. The entire school consisted of 82 children last year and yet they have better scores than any large school. It is a private, religious based school but tuition is kept low with help from the community. Religion is so important to me. Maybe not religion as much as faith, but faith is learned through religion. He has such a strong faith just from what he has learned in his short time there and the mini lessons we have taught him throughout the years. It is so hard to walk away from a setting like this, especially when public schools across the country are declining. Add to that moving an elementary school aged child and your heart can't help but get a little caught up.
My husband and I bought our first home here in the community we grew up in. We planned to raise our son here. Our home is no mansion, but it is perfect for the three of us. We have a nice yard my husband enjoys tending to while my son plays. It is the perfect size for me to keep up my wifely duties without getting too exhausted. We feel safe, secure, and stable. Isn't that what everyone looks for in a home?
The reality is, however, we are no less than four hours away from good medical care. That is a good six and a half to seven hours for medical care that can handle my condition. So, we come to this battle of the mind and the heart. Logically, I need to be closer to doctors who can help. Logically, we will find a new home, a new school, and a new church. Logically, we can make any place a home if we can make a safe, secure, stable environment for us all together. What's the hold up? Emotions? Fear? Uncertainty? All of it plays in as well as intense stress.
I am still waiting to hear from the doctors on an exact date of surgery to implant the gastric stimulator. I was told that I should receive a call with that information this week. I have to travel for appointments and to pick up medication this week. The Fourth of July is coming soon and it is a very big holiday in both my husband's and my families. My family has a big reunion type celebration planned. His family always makes a big thing out of the Fourth because it was his uncle's (the patriarch's) birthday, who passed away from cancer 6 years ago. We are always torn on how to celebrate. And we are both anxious to get the stimulator implanted to know what life will entail thereafter.
This, as you can imagine, has added so much tension to our home life. I am no expert. I have never been through any of this before nor have I dealt with anyone who has. I have no comprehension of what my husband, as the man-of-the-house, the father, the husband, the sole bread winner, the caretaker, has to deal with. I cannot imagine the stress and fear he must be facing, let alone the anger and grief that comes along with any major health concerns in a family. I, on the other hand, am going through it and trying to be as positive as I can. I feel like I am kind of gliding through it all fairly smoothly until I have a bad day and my emotions bottom out. My son is watching this, soaking every action and word up like a sponge. He must be terrified hearing so much he doesn't understand concerning his mother, his family, and himself. He must feel a little overshadowed by it, although I try to make sure he is not! It is just one of those situations you shake your head at. You know what is right and logical and good for us but you can also put yourselves in our shoes and see how difficult navigating it all really is.
What else can you do but face it? Dead on. This is what we have been dealt. There are so many blessings in disguise, if we just look they become so obvious. I get to be a stay-at-home mom. I am the sole caretaker of this amazing human being we created out of love. I know so much more about how the body works and what good nutrition and habits can do for the body. That I can turn around and use with my son to give him the best health future possible. My husband and I know the value of hard work and determination. My son sees the hard work and determination and demonstrates it himself already. We all have a very strong faith. We all have also learned deep compassion. We have also all learned to live in the moment and not take each other for granted. All of these are great things even if we cannot execute them 100% of the time.
The surgery will be done in Dallas, TX. Due to the fact that New Mexico has proven it does not have the doctors or facilities to treat me, we are looking to move to Dallas. The hospital that will do the surgery has all the specialists I need. They would all be in one facility so they would be able to look at each other's notes and communicate if necessary. This would in turn cut way down on the traveling we currently are doing to get to appointments with doctors from different facilities who do not communicate. That means it would also cut way down on the leg work I personally have to do to maintain my current treatment. I would be close to a well equipped facility in case of emergency as well. The blessings we may walk in to just by moving to Dallas could be astonishing.
The opportunities my son and husband could see would be great. My husband's job options would be endless. His continuing education opportunities would be wide open. My son would have better sports available and his education opportunities would be wide open as well. The Dallas/Ft. Worth area is so good at accommodating all sorts of dietary needs. This would allow me to leave my home for longer than a few hours at a time without preparing a day's worth of meals and medications. This would open up all of our social lives a lot more. Social interactions and support systems are so crucial to human survival. I can only imagine what good it would do for my son to see his mother be a little more active socially with a few more laughs and smiles.
Alas, this is all talk. The surgery date is yet to be heard. We have not packed a single box. Although my husband has a job lined up, there are a few technicalities that need to be worked out first. We have not found a place that we can call home yet. We struggle daily to keep our heads up and stay focused on what is really important, our love for one another.
Never lose sight of what is important. No money, house, or material possessions can replace your family. Fear, anger, and grief can cloud your judgment and do more damage than good. Allow the emotions to flow. They will not go away unless you do. By never losing sight of what is important, you can take those negative emotions and turn them into positive productivity. Life is what you make of it. Let's make it good and worth it!
