I really don't know where to begin...except at the beginning. Two days ago we all got a call that none of us expected. My uncle, Boyd Lunsford, had suffered a heart attack over night. From those early morning hours until late that morning we all collectively prayed and cried, yet all of us geographically far from one another. Many of my family members have built their lives in Texas, particularly the Dallas/ Ft. Worth area, but some further south. As many could, they rushed to be by his side and to be with family. Unfortunately, we lost him late that morning.
I would like to put this into perspective for my readers. A few blog posts back, June 2012 as a matter of fact, I wrote about my cousin who passed suddenly. That was his daughter. The third child he has lost in addition to a grandchild. Then, in October of 2012, not even six months later his brother passed (another uncle of mine). This recent loss, has again left our family shell shocked still healing from the open wounds we have been mending. As all tragic things do, this got me to go deep inside myself.
This site was set up to discuss the daily joys and struggles of living with multiple auto immune disorders. As we all know, one facet of our lives does not define us. It is simply a piece of the puzzle that makes one whole. I had been down with the flu since Friday. My doctors prescribed Tamiflu as the flu can be dangerous to all individuals but especially for those with compromised immune systems. By Monday, I felt almost no relief so back to the doctor I go and a new prescription is written for an antibiotic as I am also battling strep. So when Tuesday morning rolled around I was in no mood for phone calls. I ignored them. Within a few minutes if not an hour I received an email from my sister. That's where I got the news. I quickly got in touch with family in Texas and stayed close to my phone waiting for the best possible news. It certainly ended much differently than we all hoped and prayed. In the end, however, I do feel that my uncle is where his heart may have been for some time now. If nothing else, he no longer has the daily trials we all see.
The next morning, as sick as I had been, my adrenaline, anxiety, and grief would not let me rest. I walked my son to school. Even with his enormous imagination and joyful way of describing it along our walk, I still felt pent up emotion. When I got home I took my dogs out for a short walk, knowing if I pushed myself too hard I would be in trouble, but I had to 'release'. On that walk something happened to me. It was particularly peaceful.
I could vividly smell the April morning air in our small town, my uncle's home town and where he will be laid to rest with those who passed before. I saw a beautiful bushel of purple flowers. Purple is my favorite color and purple flowers hold a special place in my heart. It's like a high dose of serenity. My uncle was a spiritual man. Anytime he would visit home he would come by and talk to me or take me to visit with him at his hotel. He always had a story to tell and it usually ended with spiritual wisdom. I felt that rushing through me as I walked along the canal with my dogs. I wondered how these past few months had been so difficult, but in times of extreme stress I can somehow get outside of myself and feel weightless. I talked and talked to my uncle and before I knew it my heart felt a little lighter.
Now, days have passed, memories are rushing in and family is tying up loose ends. Services have been scheduled and we are all just trying to cope. Something resonates with me from that walk yesterday morning, alone with my thoughts and words to my uncle. My roller coaster, my emotions and rationality ebbing and flowing, my sense of loneliness and feeling lost all has a reason. There is a void in my life right now I never imagine would affect me so greatly. My sister.
About 8 years ago my sister and her husband decided to follow their dreams. They threw caution to the wind and moved from New Mexico (the only place my sister and I have called home) and moved to California. They met in college. I could try to pretend I understand what they do, wanted to do, or even got degrees for, but I don't. All I know is from the time I can remember my sister wanted to live in LA and have something to do with the entertainment industry. Luckily she found a match in college that suited her and off they went. At the time I had just learned I was pregnant with my son.
I have to admit I was astonished. I was amazed that all these years of talk had turned into reality. I felt so happy that my sister was spitting on everyone who had doubted her along the way, and her ambition never wavered. I was happy that she had married a man that had similar desires to her. I was happy that he encouraged her and supported her in her dreams. But I was devastated. I was hurt that they had not consulted the little sister before making this HUGE decision (as all married couples should, right?!) And to add fuel to my fire, this baby growing inside of me, I thought I could only carry with my sister there to hold my hand. But I stood strong and put on a brave face as they loaded the Uhaul and drove away from the apartment complex we both lived in. I could not be the thing that held her back. I had to let go.
Time has passed. My son was born. My sister and brother in law are slowly but surely finding their footing (not exactly a "go to college and get a nice job" kind of field). I have since been married and moved back to my hometown. I have made friends and lost friends along the way. The most trying of all has been my health, I must say. I just recently noticed how much harder it is to keep picking myself up and dusting myself off to continue moving forward. On that walk that morning after my uncle passed my light-bulb moment hit and I realized it's "The Void".
I have a void in my heart. My sister. I never thought of it completely or in the light it was shown to me on that walk, but I realized all that she meant to me. As kids (she is my only biological sister) we were always together. She, this pretty little prim and proper princess with acting coursing through her veins and I, this rough and tumble tom-boy never understanding a word she said. We had our differences and our fights, or so I thought. I remember the day my parents drove her to college and the second the car drove away from our house, I crumble to the floor in tears. I thought, "What?! I thought you'd be the happiest to see her go. What is all this?!"
Once I got to college, I went to UNM just as she did and just three years behind her, we grew so much closer. She became my best friend. I felt similar sadness when she left for California, but I thought my sadness would be replaced by knowing she was where she really wanted to be. I also thought I would grow to learn to live without her so close. I never have. Recently, that has become so unavoidably apparent.
She and I lost our father to complications of diabetes when we were young. Before his passing, my parents had spilt so my sister and I traveled from NM to CA for visits. After his passing we continued those trips to stay close with his family. Although in our small town in NM we had different identities, anywhere else we went she was by my side. Even in our town she had my back when I was too young and dumb to realize. When she went off to college, I was starting a new school and found it difficult to find friends. I realized back then, she was the good one at talking to people and analyzing situations. I didn't know how to do it on my own, comfortably. When I got to college, she was a veteran and walked me through everything from finding a place to live, a job, and teaching me about finances and my future. I always thought she was too dramatic and grown up. I always thought she worried too much. I now know, she did it for the both of us........my entire life.
Now I am in NM and she is in CA. This last year has been tumultuous for our close and extended families. I recently upgraded to a smartphone (I am technically challenged and was trying to be the driving force holding the USPS open) and so she and I have been in better contact. You know them Cali folk, all tied down to their gadgets and too busy for phone calls. For a long time I resented our lack of communication until I got the smartphone and realized the different lifestyles these two states have.....well let's face it, I was living a little in the past. These days we communicate as if we lived in the same town.
That morning walk I took, sick as a dog with my dogs just to clear my head. That morning walk to come to grips with the sudden passing of an uncle I have always learned from. He taught me or should I say showed me what I was really reaching out for all this time. My sister. My best friend. My caretaker. My financial advisor, possible lottery-winner coach, therapist, and punching bag.
I have written recent posts about feeling down and out. I have written recently how difficult it has been to open up about all of that as well as feeling like I had no where to turn. I have recently, openly written about my sense of hopelessness and feeling lost. God takes His time, but He really does have a plan for everything. He really does carry you through the most difficult parts of life. This time, I believe through my uncle, He touch me. He hugged me. He held me tight and told me the answer to the prayers I have been screaming for months and for years.
It is not friends I need. It is not that dream job I need. It is not the degrees I came short of before falling too ill to finish that I need. It is not the perfect husband or child that I need. It is and never has been about possessions. It is the one thing that has stayed strong, sturdy, faithful, loyal, and honest from my first breath. My sister. She really does complete me.
We are opposites in every aspect. Our personalities are different. Our styles are different. Our passions are different. Our approach on life is different. Even our spiritual and faith ideas do not always match up. Yet somehow, they do. So well. She makes my puzzle complete. I know God has His plan and certainly is not done with me yet, but without my sister He would not be able to complete my puzzle. He knew we needed each other. And that is something I will hold on to for the rest of my life.
