Have you ever had one of those times when you just feel like the world needs to stop so you can catch up? There are times in life when something is so tragic or detrimental that it feels like the world should stop turning. I believe this happens to all of us. Even in times of great despair and struggle we are still expected to pay our bills, get to work, and take care of mundane responsibilities. Sometimes that just doesn't feel right. Death is one of those times.
This week my family lost one of it's own. My 34 year old cousin went out for a walk Tuesday evening and never returned home. We are all devastated and shocked by her death. The hardest part for me is thinking about my uncle and aunt, her parents. They lost a baby years ago, then lost a daughter a few years back. A short time after the death of that daughter they lost her oldest son. And now, their youngest. How can that be possible? For one family to go through so much tragedy?
Mother Theresa said once that 'God only gives us what we can handle. I just wish he wouldn't trust me so much.' Not only do I think of my uncle and aunt when I hear this, but I use it to inspire myself as well. It does seem overwhelming. It does feel like I cannot bear the weight of this trial. Life is swirling around me. I feel as though my head is spinning. I do not know which way is up or down.
My husband is a hard working man. He is the most honorable and admirable man I know. He works hard day in and day out to see to it that my son and myself have a safe and stable home. He has to pick up the slack when my body is weak. He has to be the rock that we all lean on when times get tough. Although he works in a position he went to school for, he still struggles to keep our heads above water. That seems unjust to me. I cannot blame him for doing his best. I cannot blame my illnesses or myself for holding us back. I can only pray that all his hard work will pay off.
My son is glorious. Not only does he bring a smile to my face everyday, but he approaches life with such hope it is inspiring. He is so smart and compassionate. He was brought into this world with love. Alas, he is an only child. He longs for a sibling, a playmate, a companion. I cannot give that to him. He deals with this crazy world alone. Yes, we as parents are here to guide him and teach him and love him, but ultimately he is left to his own devices to figure it all out. He sees daddy working so hard for our family. He sees momma on my good days and on my bad days. And lately he has had to hear the news of our lost family member. Although he did not know her, he sees the pain it is causing and his compassion kicks right in. It is heartbreaking to me for such a young, innocent child to have seen so much already.
My cousin was one of a kind. As all of us do, she had her flaws and demons. Beyond the struggles we all must overcome she had a good heart. She was true to herself no matter what. Even in a situation where you might put on a little show because you know the people around you might be judgemental, she was herself. Take it or leave it. The other thing I loved about her, my sister put into words so beautifully, is that she had the same expectations for those around her. She was outgoing. My sister and I are a little more introverted. Anytime we'd be around her, she wouldn't allow us to withdraw or back down. She wasn't pushy or aggressive. You just saw the openness in her eyes. Almost as if she was always saying, "Go for it. Who cares what they think?! Be happy." And I believe that is how she lived her life, in search of constant happiness.
Her parents deserve a slice of heaven. They have seen so much pain and tragedy in their lifetime it is unbelievable. Yet, they continue to move forward. My uncle is a business man with an amazing talent to bring people together. My aunt is a kind soul who loves animals. They love their family unconditionally and would do anything for them. It is baffling to me that bills are being mailed out, funeral arrangements need to be made, there are other struggles our family as a whole are going through.....and through it all they have to take care of responsibilities while coming to terms with the loss of their baby. I understand this is how it goes for everyone of us.....but it just doesn't seem right.
These unexpected pains just hit you like a ton of bricks and stop you in your tracks. It leaves us lost. This is when we all need to pull together. Hunker down with those who can relate and let the feelings flow. As a whole we will pick each other up and put the pieces back together. Once the dust settles we will be able to see where we need to start. If you look too hard, there are struggles and pain every day of our lives. Everyone of us has bad luck in that sense. But flip that! If you look hard enough, there are blessings and joys every day of our lives. We are all so lucky to be here, together, and know that we have each other.
That is the conclusion I have come to. The weight on my shoulders has gotten too much for me to handle. The pain in my heart is overtaking all other emotions. So at this time, I lift them away. I lift them to the Lord. Guide me through this time in my life when I have no more strength to carry on. I will wait, patiently, for the storm to pass. I will come through this a stronger person. I will be able to conquer more after the lessons I learn from all of this.
And with that....I sign off. Off to go read my son a book. Off to go cherish the time I have and the loved ones I have it with.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
A Bump In The Road
Life dependent on a durable medical equipment can be tricky. I am reminded of this on a daily basis while completely everyday tasks, but none compared to what I experienced this past weekend.
I am a pump patient. That is diabetes jargon for I use an insulin pump to deliver my insulin throughout the day as opposed to insulin injections with syringes and needles. The insulin pump is an amazing invention. It is about the size of a pager. It has buttons to control its functions similar to that of a pager. Inside there is a battery for power as well as a reservoir the patient fills with insulin. The reservoir is connected to some tubing that is connected to an infusion sight on the patient. An infusion is similar to an IV in that it is a tube inserted into the body, except an infusion for insulin goes into subcutaneous tissue (fat) as opposed to the vein. The infusion is only changed out every few days so it has made the quality of life for insulin dependent diabetics drastically better.
Using shots required diabetics to schedule their entire lives around these shots. There are several different types of insulin that are absorbed differently and can be used for various occasions, but there is always peaks and valleys the patient has to work around. Meaning food is required during the valleys and activity should be done during peaks to insure the most natural and comfortable outcome.
An insulin pump, on the other hand, has the potential to eliminate or minimize these peaks and valleys. This is due to the fact that insulin is delivered in small doses throughout the day. As a patient with this technology we have the power to tell it what to do and how to do it. Patients know their bodies better than anyone. This allows us to live a little more freely, and have our medicine right at the touch of a button. As you would imagine, not everything is flawless.
This past Friday I changed out my infusion as well as my reservoir on my pump (Medtronic 523). To me this is always a good feeling because the insulin is fresh and I have the peace of mind knowing I will not have to mess with it for another 72 hours. This is increasingly harder for me because over the years patients develop scar tissue that can affect absorption in addition to my weight loss it is harder and harder to find good sights. This particular sight wasn't necessarily comfortable, but I thought I could tough it out for a few days.
A few hours past and I noticed my blood sugars creeping up. This is not normally a red flag. Blood sugars fluctuate all the time, especially in woman with hormones fluctuating as well. A normal blood glucose (sugar) reading is between 80-120 or 70-110 depending on who you ask. My normal average is in the lower 100s. By 5:00pm I was 300. I was definitely feeling it. My vision was slightly blurred. I felt very sluggish and heavy. My hands and legs were starting to get numb. All signs of high blood sugar. I told my pump to give me some insulin to bring it down. That process usually takes 2-4 hours. Two hours later I check and I am at 250. Another correction. An hour later I check, just to see if there is progress being made, and I see 245.
Ugh. This is very frustrating for a well controlled diabetic who is active and eats well. These numbers are not something I am used to seeing especially when I have been on point for several days with food, insulin, and activity. I won't bore you anymore with all the details that go behind it all, but some troubleshooting needed to be done.
I personally have people to contact in extenuating circumstances such as these to prevent a trip to the ER if at all possible. I am sure most pump patients have similar set ups. I checked with my professional and throughout the evening we worked on trying to bring my blood sugar down. Finally, a good old fashioned shot with a syringe and needle did the trick. We thought possibly the infusion might be to blame. Sometimes, rarely, the tubing can get kinked. Sometimes, again rarely, the infusion is in scar tissue and so the insulin is not being absorbed properly. Whatever the case, it is always safe to redo a sight if unexplained highs are occurring. That's exactly what I did that night, twice. Yup, you read that right. I changed my sight 3 times that day. Not a fun time, but doable if necessary.
The next morning I woke up in the 170s. On the rise....again. A good fasting blood sugar is below 120 for sure, and typically I am there. Why, then, if I have not eaten badly, I've exercised adequately, and I am not ill or menstruating, is my blood sugar so high? I checked with my professional again. At this point even she was at a loss so she advised me to call Medtronic. I did, immediately.
The representative on the phone was very nice. She began walking me through various troubleshooting options. None of which were panning out. In my head I am starting to think I am either too thin or have too much scar tissue........will I have to stop using the pump? No, please, no!!!! She decides to try one last ditch effort at solving our problem. She suggests I rewind (basically reset) the pump and start fresh. When I go to remove the reservoir from the pump I notice moisture. Droplets inside the reservoir as well as it's holding area in the pump. There should never be moisture in the pump.
Turns out, the o-rings in the reservoir are faulty. They are leaking. Imagine a syringe and how fluid is sucked up into it with a plunger. At the end of the plunger there are o-rings to prevent leakage from the wrong end of the syringe. Similar concept in the reservoir. So, when I was asking my pump to "push" more insulin into the tubing so that it would be "pushed" into my body for absorption the pump was pushing. As it was pushing, however, the insulin was leaking out the back end rather than being forced through the tubing. I went nearly 26 hours with very little insulin delivery.
My reason for sharing this story: I have been a pump patient for over 5 years. I have never had this happen before. My professional had not even thought to have me check the reservoir for problems. I imagine this problem is very uncommon but not impossible. I know that pump therapy has been amazing for me with very little hassle. I just want it to be known that these seemingly impossible flaws may be the cause of some unexplained problems.
Lesson learned here: keep a very open mind when troubleshooting. It doesn't matter how long you have been diabetic. It doesn't matter how well controlled you may have your disease. It doesn't matter what type of education you have or how much you know about your disease and the tools you use to control it. You may be missing something. And finally, when in doubt, call the manufacturer!!
Lucky for me this event, although scary, was not too bad. My blood sugar was high but not frighteningly. It stayed high for some time, but we caught it early. The worst part was the symptoms of high blood sugars, the stress and doubting on my own part, and the shocking realization that even my pump is not perfect.
I am a pump patient. That is diabetes jargon for I use an insulin pump to deliver my insulin throughout the day as opposed to insulin injections with syringes and needles. The insulin pump is an amazing invention. It is about the size of a pager. It has buttons to control its functions similar to that of a pager. Inside there is a battery for power as well as a reservoir the patient fills with insulin. The reservoir is connected to some tubing that is connected to an infusion sight on the patient. An infusion is similar to an IV in that it is a tube inserted into the body, except an infusion for insulin goes into subcutaneous tissue (fat) as opposed to the vein. The infusion is only changed out every few days so it has made the quality of life for insulin dependent diabetics drastically better.
Using shots required diabetics to schedule their entire lives around these shots. There are several different types of insulin that are absorbed differently and can be used for various occasions, but there is always peaks and valleys the patient has to work around. Meaning food is required during the valleys and activity should be done during peaks to insure the most natural and comfortable outcome.
An insulin pump, on the other hand, has the potential to eliminate or minimize these peaks and valleys. This is due to the fact that insulin is delivered in small doses throughout the day. As a patient with this technology we have the power to tell it what to do and how to do it. Patients know their bodies better than anyone. This allows us to live a little more freely, and have our medicine right at the touch of a button. As you would imagine, not everything is flawless.
This past Friday I changed out my infusion as well as my reservoir on my pump (Medtronic 523). To me this is always a good feeling because the insulin is fresh and I have the peace of mind knowing I will not have to mess with it for another 72 hours. This is increasingly harder for me because over the years patients develop scar tissue that can affect absorption in addition to my weight loss it is harder and harder to find good sights. This particular sight wasn't necessarily comfortable, but I thought I could tough it out for a few days.
A few hours past and I noticed my blood sugars creeping up. This is not normally a red flag. Blood sugars fluctuate all the time, especially in woman with hormones fluctuating as well. A normal blood glucose (sugar) reading is between 80-120 or 70-110 depending on who you ask. My normal average is in the lower 100s. By 5:00pm I was 300. I was definitely feeling it. My vision was slightly blurred. I felt very sluggish and heavy. My hands and legs were starting to get numb. All signs of high blood sugar. I told my pump to give me some insulin to bring it down. That process usually takes 2-4 hours. Two hours later I check and I am at 250. Another correction. An hour later I check, just to see if there is progress being made, and I see 245.
Ugh. This is very frustrating for a well controlled diabetic who is active and eats well. These numbers are not something I am used to seeing especially when I have been on point for several days with food, insulin, and activity. I won't bore you anymore with all the details that go behind it all, but some troubleshooting needed to be done.
I personally have people to contact in extenuating circumstances such as these to prevent a trip to the ER if at all possible. I am sure most pump patients have similar set ups. I checked with my professional and throughout the evening we worked on trying to bring my blood sugar down. Finally, a good old fashioned shot with a syringe and needle did the trick. We thought possibly the infusion might be to blame. Sometimes, rarely, the tubing can get kinked. Sometimes, again rarely, the infusion is in scar tissue and so the insulin is not being absorbed properly. Whatever the case, it is always safe to redo a sight if unexplained highs are occurring. That's exactly what I did that night, twice. Yup, you read that right. I changed my sight 3 times that day. Not a fun time, but doable if necessary.
The next morning I woke up in the 170s. On the rise....again. A good fasting blood sugar is below 120 for sure, and typically I am there. Why, then, if I have not eaten badly, I've exercised adequately, and I am not ill or menstruating, is my blood sugar so high? I checked with my professional again. At this point even she was at a loss so she advised me to call Medtronic. I did, immediately.
The representative on the phone was very nice. She began walking me through various troubleshooting options. None of which were panning out. In my head I am starting to think I am either too thin or have too much scar tissue........will I have to stop using the pump? No, please, no!!!! She decides to try one last ditch effort at solving our problem. She suggests I rewind (basically reset) the pump and start fresh. When I go to remove the reservoir from the pump I notice moisture. Droplets inside the reservoir as well as it's holding area in the pump. There should never be moisture in the pump.
Turns out, the o-rings in the reservoir are faulty. They are leaking. Imagine a syringe and how fluid is sucked up into it with a plunger. At the end of the plunger there are o-rings to prevent leakage from the wrong end of the syringe. Similar concept in the reservoir. So, when I was asking my pump to "push" more insulin into the tubing so that it would be "pushed" into my body for absorption the pump was pushing. As it was pushing, however, the insulin was leaking out the back end rather than being forced through the tubing. I went nearly 26 hours with very little insulin delivery.
My reason for sharing this story: I have been a pump patient for over 5 years. I have never had this happen before. My professional had not even thought to have me check the reservoir for problems. I imagine this problem is very uncommon but not impossible. I know that pump therapy has been amazing for me with very little hassle. I just want it to be known that these seemingly impossible flaws may be the cause of some unexplained problems.
Lesson learned here: keep a very open mind when troubleshooting. It doesn't matter how long you have been diabetic. It doesn't matter how well controlled you may have your disease. It doesn't matter what type of education you have or how much you know about your disease and the tools you use to control it. You may be missing something. And finally, when in doubt, call the manufacturer!!
Lucky for me this event, although scary, was not too bad. My blood sugar was high but not frighteningly. It stayed high for some time, but we caught it early. The worst part was the symptoms of high blood sugars, the stress and doubting on my own part, and the shocking realization that even my pump is not perfect.
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