Recently I have been lashing out at those I love. I have had trouble putting my finger on the exact source of my frustration. As many of you know, that doesn't go over well with people. I have blown up at my sister whose is my best friend in the entire world and I love her dearly. I have yelled at my husband and son numerous times over who knows what. I have been passively rude to many around me. And lastly, the one that was the tipping point, was the meltdown I had with my dad on the phone the other night.
I have been struggling for about 2 months now trying to pinpoint this frustration. I have talked with my husband in my moments of sanity and expressed my sincere apologies for the misdirected anger. Even letting him in on the fact that he isn't doing anything to initiate these outbursts. Oh how I wish I could blame it on someone else......hahaha. But the more I do it, the more it eats at me.
I wake up in the middle of night with anxiety. For what? I do not get tired when it is time for bed. I am uninterested in TV. The Internet just fuels my negative fire. And yet, still, I cannot pinpoint a thing. You may ask what I am thinking about. Good question? Literally, NOTHING. I am not wallowing in pity. There are no negative thoughts running through my mind. Everything and everyone just seems to be pushing all the right buttons to tick me off.
Today was the start of summer vacation for my son. On a side note, he will be moving on to 1st grade next year. Where does the time go? I have been trying to slow myself down. My thought is that my Type A personality is creeping up on me and pushing me to do things my body cannot do. I am obviously ignoring my body's indicator (random anxiety and frustration) that I am pushing too hard. But, that just leads to another question, how do I turn it off?
I must have in the past. I have been through trials and tribulations that were completely out of my control before. There is nothing new going on. There is not a darn thing in the entire world that is worthy of me complaining about. Somehow, that last statement, has carried me through so much. It has brought me peace before. Why not this time? What is nagging me? I still can't answer that........until today.
My life is not a problem that needs fixing.
Plain and simple. I have even said this (not in these exact words) to people recently in an effort to get them to back off. Today I realized it. I heard those words spoken by someone else today in passing and they clicked. Has that ever happened to you before? I almost feel like it is Divine intervention. So many times in this last year I have gotten lost and asked for guidance, strength, wisdom, and knowledge. Maybe because I am being more conscious these days, but inevitably something happens to answer my prayers. The answer may not be what I am looking for and it never comes as I expect it. Certainly, it doesn't come as quickly as I think it should. Nevertheless, it comes.
Of course, the comment resonated with me. As I thought of these past few months, because they are always on my mind due to the guilt I feel for throwing blame in all the wrong places, I realized this is what I needed. My friends, my family, shoot nearly everyone around me, has had nothing but the best intentions. They see me struggling. My life is obviously consumed with my comorbidities and the burden they carry. This is very prevalent everyday. Obviously for me it is always in my face. "Every move you make, every breath you take......." It's there. But for those who love me, it is the thing that draws them to want to help. Is there anything wrong with that? NO, absolutely not. They wouldn't be there if they didn't love me. But there is something we have all been missing.....
My life is not a problem that needs fixing.
Yes, I have several diseases. Yes, life is difficult. Yes, my life has changed drastically in the last 5 years. Yes, quality of life leaves a little to be desired (to put it lightly). Something has happened along the way that my loved ones missed out on. I accepted it. I love my life. I love my husband. I love my son. I love our house. We have two great dogs. We, as a family, eat healthier. We spend so much quality time together. There is so much these trials have taught me. I have learned and come to see it all as blessings in disguise. I am such a better person today because of what I have been through and those who carried me through it. I know what is in store for me, but I also know there is so much in store that I cannot predict. No one can. We all live life this way. My life is perfect for me. (and really that's all that matters, right?)
So, I extend the olive branch to those I have hurt. I am sincerely sorry for lashing out for no reason at all, or what seemed like no reason. You were all trying to help in any way that you can. I have not been wronged. No blame needs to be directed towards a single soul. The problem is, everyone is continually trying to fix me. "So & so found a new cutting edge doctor." "Here are some new foods that may help." "My (insert family member or friend here) does this or said this.....have you tried that?" "Are you taking care of yourself?" "Why haven't they tried this or that?" "How come?" "I'm so sorry!" "Go here. Go there. Do this not that. Do that not this." and so on and so on. I thank you! I truly do. You are showing me love in the only way you know how. I get it. It is a difficult situation. No one knows what to say or how to approach it. Honestly, neither do I.
By now, it is a part of me. LAUREN. The only me I can be. I am happy. I am content. I am not scared (well, most of the time...), but if I am I know I can handle it. If I can't, I know you all will be there. Please, (as nicely as I can say this) back off. You do not need to fix me. I am more than my struggles. Talk to Lauren. Love Lauren. Accept Lauren. If I need something I will ask. I promise. But allow me to live my life. You know I am making the best choices for me, and I am perfectly capable of doing that on my own. I know you all want this to go away. I thank you for your love and support.
Now, let's get back to the good stuff.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Getting Back To Life
Summer is coming and I am enjoying the weather we are having. I live in southeastern New Mexico near the Pecos River. As a matter of fact, for the desert, we actually have a lot of water in this part of New Mexico. I always loved spending my summer days and nights at the river. I have such fond memories of outdoors in the summer.
The past few years have taken me away from those memories. I have been going through tests and diagnoses for the past 9 years almost consistently. Having diabetes slowed me down a lot. In the beginning, I was an avid runner. That coupled with the honeymoon phase of diabetes (along with the unknown at the time that I am unable to properly absorb nutrients) lead to a lot of low blood sugars. I began to avoid activities beyond my daily runs. Once I was put on an insulin pump, swimming became such a challenge, I avoided it completely.
For those of you who don't know, insulin pumps deliver fast acting insulin. There is not a maker of water proof (that you can fully submerge) insulin pumps. This means, when you get into the shower or go swimming, you must detach your pump. This is ok for a short period of time, but if you plan on being in a pool for longer than 20 minutes you run into the challenge of not receiving insulin. This will lead to high blood sugar levels within a couple of hours. Low blood sugars as well as high blood sugars should be avoided. So what do you do? Get out every 20 minutes to connect and give yourself tiny doses as the day goes on? Then you run into the challenge of having your pump/ insulin in high temperatures which can render insulin useless. My thought, take an ice chest (you'll want food and drinks anyway) and a Ziploc bag and stick your pump in the ice chest while you swim?
I also have a connective tissue disease. I have trouble with high temperatures. Temperature extremes hot or cold. Most people get uncomfortable when they are hot or cold. Minor adjustments to clothing or activity usually can help. For myself, it is a complete intolerance. My body will get very exhausted trying to regulate itself. In cold, I am in a lot of pain. In heat I tend to get very bad headaches, rashes, and become very weak. It seems no matter how much water I drink, it is never enough when I am overheated. Add to that photosensitivity that comes with connective tissue diseases, and a day at the river sounds out of the question.
Or so I thought........I have been learning to adjust small things in my life to accommodate my limitations thus allowing me to join the real world a little more often. Although it is easier and much more comfortable to stay at home where everything I need is at hand, I want to stretch out every now and then. I would like to come out of my cave in the summer. With so much at our fingertips these days, like Facebook, I am bombarded with images of people living the life I used to live and I miss it so much. BUT change is inevitable, even for the healthy, so accept it, grow from it, learn to love it.
Here is my challenge for you. I am the only person I personally know with these issues. I have no one to turn to with questions or for advice. I am determined to take my son to the river this summer. A full day. A true southeastern New Mexico, small town fun summer day. That means hitting the river early, packing plenty of food and drinks, and enjoying every second we can in and out of the water. I can take an ice chest with almond milk and my protein shake powder (a vegan mix with tons of nutrients), plenty of water, a little fruit, and some nuts for sustained energy and hydration with no fear of contamination or digestive complications. I can pack all of my pills (every few hours I have some form of medication that is needed for one condition or the other). I will wear sunscreen and pack extra, along with a hat and sunglasses....possibly even an umbrella. Maybe a Tupperware-type container rather than a plastic baggie for my pump to go in the ice chest while I jump in the water. Plenty of bug spray (do all diabetics get eaten up compared to their counterparts? I do). What else? Does anyone have suggestions?
I am sure there are insulin pump wearing diabetics who are surfers and river rats. I am sure there are people with lupus who enjoy outdoor activities despite stamina and weather related frustrations. These are the two main illnesses holding me back for this particular activity. I will not just let life pass me by. I will not watch while everyone enjoys life. I will find a way to incorporate the things I love into my life, limitations and all. I will find new passions and hobbies that are more conducive to my current life. I can, I will.
Will you help me?
Someday you may need help. I will gladly be that person that holds your hand and walks you through your unknowns; granted I have the experience to offer. I will happily be the person that helps you go out of your comfort zone in the name of happiness and fulfillment.
Let's all find a way to quit hiding from our fears and avoiding things we once loved. Even as a healthy individual, we all lose things as we age that we once enjoyed. It is not impossible to maintain these things with a few adjustments.
The past few years have taken me away from those memories. I have been going through tests and diagnoses for the past 9 years almost consistently. Having diabetes slowed me down a lot. In the beginning, I was an avid runner. That coupled with the honeymoon phase of diabetes (along with the unknown at the time that I am unable to properly absorb nutrients) lead to a lot of low blood sugars. I began to avoid activities beyond my daily runs. Once I was put on an insulin pump, swimming became such a challenge, I avoided it completely.
For those of you who don't know, insulin pumps deliver fast acting insulin. There is not a maker of water proof (that you can fully submerge) insulin pumps. This means, when you get into the shower or go swimming, you must detach your pump. This is ok for a short period of time, but if you plan on being in a pool for longer than 20 minutes you run into the challenge of not receiving insulin. This will lead to high blood sugar levels within a couple of hours. Low blood sugars as well as high blood sugars should be avoided. So what do you do? Get out every 20 minutes to connect and give yourself tiny doses as the day goes on? Then you run into the challenge of having your pump/ insulin in high temperatures which can render insulin useless. My thought, take an ice chest (you'll want food and drinks anyway) and a Ziploc bag and stick your pump in the ice chest while you swim?
I also have a connective tissue disease. I have trouble with high temperatures. Temperature extremes hot or cold. Most people get uncomfortable when they are hot or cold. Minor adjustments to clothing or activity usually can help. For myself, it is a complete intolerance. My body will get very exhausted trying to regulate itself. In cold, I am in a lot of pain. In heat I tend to get very bad headaches, rashes, and become very weak. It seems no matter how much water I drink, it is never enough when I am overheated. Add to that photosensitivity that comes with connective tissue diseases, and a day at the river sounds out of the question.
Or so I thought........I have been learning to adjust small things in my life to accommodate my limitations thus allowing me to join the real world a little more often. Although it is easier and much more comfortable to stay at home where everything I need is at hand, I want to stretch out every now and then. I would like to come out of my cave in the summer. With so much at our fingertips these days, like Facebook, I am bombarded with images of people living the life I used to live and I miss it so much. BUT change is inevitable, even for the healthy, so accept it, grow from it, learn to love it.
Here is my challenge for you. I am the only person I personally know with these issues. I have no one to turn to with questions or for advice. I am determined to take my son to the river this summer. A full day. A true southeastern New Mexico, small town fun summer day. That means hitting the river early, packing plenty of food and drinks, and enjoying every second we can in and out of the water. I can take an ice chest with almond milk and my protein shake powder (a vegan mix with tons of nutrients), plenty of water, a little fruit, and some nuts for sustained energy and hydration with no fear of contamination or digestive complications. I can pack all of my pills (every few hours I have some form of medication that is needed for one condition or the other). I will wear sunscreen and pack extra, along with a hat and sunglasses....possibly even an umbrella. Maybe a Tupperware-type container rather than a plastic baggie for my pump to go in the ice chest while I jump in the water. Plenty of bug spray (do all diabetics get eaten up compared to their counterparts? I do). What else? Does anyone have suggestions?
I am sure there are insulin pump wearing diabetics who are surfers and river rats. I am sure there are people with lupus who enjoy outdoor activities despite stamina and weather related frustrations. These are the two main illnesses holding me back for this particular activity. I will not just let life pass me by. I will not watch while everyone enjoys life. I will find a way to incorporate the things I love into my life, limitations and all. I will find new passions and hobbies that are more conducive to my current life. I can, I will.
Will you help me?
Someday you may need help. I will gladly be that person that holds your hand and walks you through your unknowns; granted I have the experience to offer. I will happily be the person that helps you go out of your comfort zone in the name of happiness and fulfillment.
Let's all find a way to quit hiding from our fears and avoiding things we once loved. Even as a healthy individual, we all lose things as we age that we once enjoyed. It is not impossible to maintain these things with a few adjustments.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)